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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Experts - "Nothings happened". Would you believe this?

172 replies

yohoohoo · 03/10/2016 20:19

Found messages a month ago between DH and OW. Suspissions started on our hol. All the usual, his phone constantly glued to him and him looking at it, taking it in the bathroom etc. On our return I checked his emails and saw messages between the 2. Stuff over various messages from DH like "Hi sexy, hi gorgeous tried to call you but yr phones off. Ive sent you a really long message did you get it. Please let me know youve got it. Have a great flight and holiday send me a bikini photo. I miss you so much. From OW "Ive not heard from you dont forget you can email me. I miss your essays. Miss you too. Phones not working email me.

So when confronting turns out it was someone he met on a stag doone night whilst out end of July...he said he was stupid, just felt flattered by the attention and all theyve done is message nothings happened, didnt sleep together, no meet ups. The stag do was over a hundred miles away.

So my dilemmia is I just dont get it, it doesnt add up...we've had it out but so difficult to talk with DD around. and Ive told him I need time to process all if this. But I just cant move on. After meeting someone for 1 day/night 21 days later youre messaging all the above ????? and DH saying "I miss you so much" - that's the one line that got to me most. Or could an EA have formed over a short time.

Were talking this week and I need answers as it keeps going round and round in my head. What do others think?

OP posts:

Report

Doublemint · 03/10/2016 20:21

I think he's cheated on you, so sorry OP. Who the hell sends messages like that to someone they met once?

yohoohoo · 03/10/2016 20:22

Exactly that's what keeps going round in my head

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/10/2016 20:25

Nope, it doesn't add up

There is lots more to this. I am sorry.

Hassled · 03/10/2016 20:26

I think he's probably lying - you don't miss someone you've met once 3 weeks ago. And certainly not if you just "met" and didn't have sex. But even if he's not lying - he's still thinking about her, writing to her, lusting after her, all the rest of it. Maybe you can get past it and forgive and forget (I couldn't, but I know some women do) but you're going to need a lot of time and space to decide. Don't let yourself be railroaded into quick decisions and don't be made to feel you have to "move on". This will take as long as it takes. And I'm sorry - it sucks.

Bagina · 03/10/2016 20:28

Well they've obviously done anything from kissing/groping, to full sex and one night stand. They've also kept up the deceit, and he's been lusting after a woman who is not you. The relationship is completely over, surely? He's treated you like shit and the trust is gone. If you stayed together, what would it look like? You being a crazy paranoid lady; checking up on him all the time?? You feeling shit about yourself?? It's done, it's over.

Canyouforgiveher · 03/10/2016 20:28

He has cheated on you. And if by some miracle, he hasn't actually had sex with her yet, he will very soon.

Sorry OP.

yohoohoo · 03/10/2016 20:28

He has ended it by email he did it infront of me said "I wont be contacting you again dont contact me I need to get my life back with my wife and child. She replied saying ok Im cool with that as Ive said before...bit harsh of you. Later she sent a sad face and wrote sad. That was 3 weeks ago and I do believe there's been no contact. But for me it is not over

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/10/2016 20:31

It's not over because you haven't had the truth

I would contact her myself

yohoohoo · 03/10/2016 20:50

No not doing that I need to get it out of him

OP posts:

TwentyCups · 03/10/2016 21:04

I don't think you will ever get the truth from him, I would also ask her.

You can't decide if you can ever forgive him until you know what you are forgiving. Until then, your relationship will be based on a lie.

yohoohoo · 03/10/2016 21:50

Yes agree I need yo know. She obviously knew about me and DD. Something not quite ringing right.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/10/2016 23:05

I reckon she will drop him right in the shit if you ask her

He's treated you both like dirt.

yohoohoo · 03/10/2016 23:10

No I want to hear it from him. He knows it's serious. It's the "missing you" that keeps coming up in my head. Surely you miss someone when youve gone from seeing them to not. Also the long essays he wrote to her...he said it was just general stuff about what he was doing...really???? You'd send stuff like this 20 odd dsys after meeting someone once!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/10/2016 23:14

You won't get the truth from him.

You will have to force the issue or he will just keep up the broken record technique until your spirit is crushed

Have you considered making him leave ?

Cabrinha · 03/10/2016 23:17

Your sleazy cunt of a "husband" asked her for a bikini shot.
So... even if "nothing happened" right... and these essays were about the weather, that request - a fucking bikini shot - would seal it for me.

I'm sorry

clumsyduck · 03/10/2016 23:18

Even if it was just as he says ( which I doubt ) isn't what he has actually done bad enough anyway ? On holiday with you and constantly in touch with her and asking for bikini pics eughhh

Lilacpink40 · 03/10/2016 23:27

I'm in a new relationship (ex left me for OW) and those are type of texts my BF and I are sending each other at the start of a relationship. Not in a friendly innocent way, but in an I want you way.

Sorry but I'd bet money something physically happened and they were both thinking more could happen. Now he's done this once he could again.

It's rubbish to go through this, but in the end he's the rubbish to put out the door.

yohoohoo · 03/10/2016 23:31

Im still processing it all...It's so hard to keep going, Im trying to take every day as it comes. Feel like Im in mourning. Ive been told "nothings happened I was stupid, mad, pathetic" but it's going round and round in my head. Im analysing it all the time.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/10/2016 23:36

If he had any respect for you, he would leave so you can process this properly without his stupid cheating face staring at you over the cornflakes

Lilacpink40 · 03/10/2016 23:44

Has he arranged counselling or shown any real practical remorse for his behaviour? No, so don't feel pressure to quickly accept his nonsense account.

Your mind is throwing up the truth and he's trying to suppress it.

Optimist3 · 03/10/2016 23:49

Locate and read the long email.

adora1 · 04/10/2016 10:17

There is no way you write stuff like that after meeting someone once, so I'd assume it's been at least a full on EA, I wouldn't discount physical either OP, they seem extremely lovely dovey and the bikini shot, would you ask for that from someone you only met once and wasn't having sex with.....not looking good.

he won't tell you the truth, you only know because you caught him, otherwise this would still be going on, I don't know how you come back from this because what he has done is the pits - at least make him fuck off so you can digest and not have to look at his lying face, I'd be asking him for that at the very least.

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LesisMiserable · 04/10/2016 11:14

It doesn't sound to me like she's that interested in him to be totally honest - she sounds quite dismissive. It looks an awful lot like he's just making a wanker of himself over someone who probably just likes a bit of attention without actually having to engage to heavily (Phone not working? Yeh right)

Either way, he's a slight knob who I suspect will move on to finding someone else to text now. It's your call really.

yohoohoo · 04/10/2016 11:30

So this week Im having it out with him once and for all. I want to know the whole truth and I will push and push and push for it. It's 4 weeks now since it ended and he's doing everything right.

But I cant and wont move on or start to make decisions until I know the whole truth. He knows how serious this is and knows how ill it's made me. All I know is the "bare facts" I don't even know where they met, restaurant or bar, when was it the Fri or Sat. Who asked for contact details, why email exchanged as well as mobile. What did he say about me, just lots of thing I didn't want to know in the very beginning thinking that the sparse facts were enough to make me feel ok that "nothing" had happened but over these few weeks they've been whirling around in my brain and all I keep coming back with is - how can you speak, be like this with someone who you've met once! Doesn't add up and whether he's here or not it will all still keep going round in my brain and I just need to know.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/10/2016 11:38

Coming in at this point it looks as if you have your hackles well and truly raised, OP - and they should be. This doesn't look innocent to me. Not at all.

In fact, it looks like the relationship has been physical and almost worse than that, has now moved on to lots of conversation between the two. It's now a relationship. He has zero respect for you, he's doing this on holiday too - when he's supposed to be focused on his family.

If he's telling you that 'nothings happened' then he is a liar. Just from your first post that would be enough for me and he would be OUT. No further discussion about it, just ended. I'm so sorry that you're having to put up with this.

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