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Feeling ready at 22.

(19 Posts)
Xenojodia Mon 03-Oct-16 16:48:35

Hi, I'm new on here and just looking for some advice.

I'm 22 and have recently been feeling ready for a baby. My fiancé and I have a little life plan in place (as I feel I cope better having a rough time frame in place, strange I know), we get married in 2 and a half years, and he says he thinks he'll be ready for children in about 4 years. But I'm feeling really ready now. My partner is the same age, and we have a house, both have really good jobs and already planning our future. I know planning a baby is a huge step, and I would never want to push him when he's not completely ready but he'll see cute baby clothes and ask if we can buy them and store them, almost like he's 'nesting' or preparing, which makes me think deep down, he is ready, he just doesn't want to admit it to himself. I've tried to talk to him about it but he just clams up (something he's always done on heavy topics). I'm worried because I didn't plan on feeling this way just yet! I should probably mention that our two close friends recently lost their 2 month old baby, and I'm not sure if I'm feeling like this because of that?

Does anyone feel the same way? Or have any advice on how I can channel these feelings? Thank you in advance!

Cabrinha Mon 03-Oct-16 17:01:48

I suggest you don't have a baby with or marry, a man who can't talk to you about serious topics and who you have to second guess if he wants a baby "deep down".

Build some time into this "little life plan" for you both to grow up - especially him - into a couple who can have a sensible, open and non ambivalent conversation about something as important as starting a family.

He may not want a baby at all yet - afterall, that's what he SAID - and he thinks suggesting the occasional purchase of baby clothes to store is going to make you happy. Instead, it's just confusing.

Do not have a baby with a man where the relationship hasn't got emotional and communicative maturity yet.

TheNaze73 Mon 03-Oct-16 20:55:27

Is he the same age as you? If so, having a baby would normally not be anywhere near the top of his agenda at that age.

ALemonyPea Mon 03-Oct-16 20:59:23

2 and a half years is a very long time to wait to get married. Who decided in that length of engagement?

Myusernameismyusername Mon 03-Oct-16 21:07:27

I got pregnant when I was 21 and we had jobs and a mortgage but it wasn't planned. We never ended up married and I think I was too young now for many reasons. We should have had savings, not everything on credit (cars, house) because they became hard to afford on maternity pay. Also I had no friends my age with babies and I was very lonely. Also I wish I had made more of a career first because I didn't really have one to go back to (I had a job but not a career) and also we never got to do a lot of things we should and then resented each other.

Mine will be almost adults when I am 40 and I don't regret them now but I had to grow up while they were growing up and it was very hard. I wasn't very mature and didn't find night feeds and 'keeping house' while all my friends were on holiday or out in the city very easy at all

Just my experience

That's my experience.

Oysterbabe Mon 03-Oct-16 21:11:02

You will have much better protection if things go wrong if you marry before children so I'd focus on that.

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Mon 03-Oct-16 21:37:45

Same as myuser said. Having kids is much much harder than you think.

I found other mums were at least 10 years older than me and some definitely excluded me or looked down on me. It was a very tough time.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 03-Oct-16 21:40:08

I still am the youngest mother of most of my kids social groups and I've never made many friends with them as the age gap is usually a good 10 years.

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Mon 03-Oct-16 21:41:03

Same.

Left Mon 03-Oct-16 22:00:36

Same here. Am planning a full blown mid life crisis when my son is 16 to make up for my 20s that I missed out on. Not long to go now!

Myusernameismyusername Mon 03-Oct-16 22:13:42

Haha! Love that idea. I've never been to so many countries. Trying to build a career with little kids is hard and I am just really starting mine and my eldest is 14.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 03-Oct-16 22:15:09

It's weird now none of my old friends can go out or do anything as they have toddlers and I have teens. The shoe is on the other foot for all the ones who got pissed off with me for saying no to holidays, festivals and nights out for years

SandyY2K Mon 03-Oct-16 22:22:19

You're young. There's no rush. Enjoy your lives before getting saddled with the responsibilty of parenthood.

At 22 you can't have had much time to be earning money and do stuff like holidays etc.

How long have you known your fiancé for?

A child is a lifetime commitment. Each party should be 100% sure. Too many people just have kids like it's nothing.

If you have a child before he's ready, he could get very resentful. I'd usually advice a man in his position to take over responsibility for the birth control, before an accident happens.

BitchQueen90 Tue 04-Oct-16 07:57:49

I got married at 21 and my DS was born when I was 22. I know you say you have a good job but you will have to sacrifice some of that while you go on maternity leave. Have you thought about what you will do after that? Will you go back full time? Childcare costs?

22 is very young to have a baby. My exH couldn't cope with his loss of freedom and we split up before DS was a year old. I couldn't afford to go back to work initially and I've only just gone back now. I'm 26 and just starting to get back on my feet.

I'm not trying to be all "doom and gloom" but you can plan as much as you want and life won't always go the way you expect. I don't regret having my DS at all, but you are still growing as people in your 20s and I can tell you I'm a completely different person now to the one I was when I was 22. I'm still discovering who I am even now.

If your relationship is strong, why the rush? Get ahead at work, save as much money as you can, enjoy a bit of time with your DP. You have plenty of time. smile

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Tue 04-Oct-16 09:04:32

Also there are no guarantees when you have a child, both mine had medical conditions which made it harder to return to work and I did so a few years later than I intended. There is no guarantee of a 'perfect baby'.

Myusernameismyusername Tue 04-Oct-16 09:09:33

I'm totally different person now too. I won't lie that I felt terribly trapped by responsibility even though I had chosen it! I wasn't a very good mother for some time because of it. Also very scared during childbirth as I did not really have much life experience. I will never know the adult I could have been or what I might have achieved - I almost feel like my 20's was still part of my childhood. Sometimes my FB puts up some memories of status's I wrote in 1997 and they all look so immature even only 10 years ago!

Myusernameismyusername Tue 04-Oct-16 09:10:31

2007 not 1997. I wouldn't want to read the 1997 ones even if they exsisted confused grin

HarleyQuinzel Tue 04-Oct-16 09:22:54

Why does he clam up ? He should be able to talk to you about this. I have to say it is strange that he wants to buy baby stuff years before you would ever get pregnant confused.

I had my first at 22 and feel like it was the right age for us so it's not all doom and gloom but as others have said you've got plenty of time, focus on other things like holidays, more savings or a promotion at work etc. then see how you both feel again in 2 years. Would you be able to afford two or three right now? You might have the baby and find you want more (the dilemma I'm in at the moment).

junebirthdaygirl Tue 04-Oct-16 09:47:42

I think a guy at 22 is more immature than a girl. Usually catch up about 26 in my experience.. Do as much as you can to make life easier later, save but go on wonderful holidays, get promotion, organise your home but mainly just have lots of fun. There is no hurry.

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