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My parents "forget" my birthday every year

(11 Posts)
SwearyGodmother Mon 03-Oct-16 13:50:30

In spite of it being 6 days after my dad's (always remembered) and three days after my sister's (also always remembered). Honestly I never have anything from them, haven't for years.

I went NC with them in November after some atrocious behaviour on their part about my eating disorder, breaking it in May to try and create family harmony only to find out in June they were telling all and sundry that I have mental health issues because I took drugs in my youth (they are very mistaken on this, and besides even if I did I don't deserve to be ill).

Anyway, I'm sure you know where this is going. It's my birthday tomorrow and a card has arrived from them today. I think it's deliberate and to keep me in my place - that they get to dictate our relationship.

I'm torn between angry, upset and not giving a fuck. Wankers.

maslinpan Mon 03-Oct-16 13:55:39

But given what they put you through, if they had forgotten again, wouldn't you still have felt angry, upset, and not giving a fuck? Sounds as if remaining NC is the safest way forward for you. Can I wish you happy birthday instead?

SwearyGodmother Mon 03-Oct-16 14:26:48

I think I'd be thinking a lot less about them if they'd ignored it like normal. I wrote to them and told them not to contact me after I heard the rumours they were spreading about me so to send a card - particularly when they normally ignore (and I've ignored their birthdays) - just seems considered and cruel.

Thank you for the birthday wishes.

Mozfan1 Mon 03-Oct-16 14:35:13

What arse holes. I'm NC with my parents, my dad hit me in front of my son and my mum evicted me from her house when I was 17. Scum. This is so awful op, my parents do the same shite- send cards and money or whatever and think it makes up for what happened. I just post it back. They do not see their grandchildren thank god. You are better off without them, I know it's hard but don't let it consume you. And happy birthday! Many happy returns cakewineflowers

Hissy Mon 03-Oct-16 16:21:57

Tell the rumour mongers to fuck the fuck off, bin the card and go on with your life

They deliberately hurt you year in and year out, so continue your nc.

If people who know them and know you choose to believe them, more fool them. Good that you know because it keeps your Christmas card list down too.

mozfan by posting the cards back you're still reacting and giving them power. Just stop responding altogether. Donate the money to a charity they'd hate.

Mozfan1 Mon 03-Oct-16 16:23:11

Aye hissy you're probably right! It's a buggered up world isn't it eh

Lottapianos Mon 03-Oct-16 16:28:30

'I'm torn between angry, upset and not giving a fuck.'

I'm very low contact with my emotionally abusive parents and you have just described the state of my head 90% of the time smile The control freakery is jaw dropping and its totally about keeping you on the back foot and letting them know that they can still mess with your head any time they like. Its total bullshit.

My parents did the reverse a couple of years ago. They usually text me on my birthday and send a card / cash too. All day long I was checking my phone, secretly but obsessively, thinking 'well fuck 'em' but feeling desperately hurt at the same time. They made damn sure I was thinking of them all day on my own birthday.

Bin or burn the card and allow yourself to think briefly about how much better you are without these people in your life. Easier said that done I know. A very happy birthday from me x

Hissy Mon 03-Oct-16 16:49:20

mozfan that it is, that it is! I know it's a situation you feel you can't win, but ignoring them gives them nothing back. It's knowing they've hurt you that feeds them.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood Mon 03-Oct-16 16:54:00

If you don't live nearby, I'd write "not known here, return to sender" on the envelope and stick it back in the post. Do it enough and they'll think you moved without giving a forwarding address.

SwearyGodmother Tue 04-Oct-16 08:14:00

IT went straight in the bin yesterday and I seethed all day about it. I feel some progress has been made for me though as I couldn't give a fuck about how they feel, just how I feel - the FOG may be lifting a bit. And I was thankful that it arrived early and left me today to celebrate with people who I love.

Lottapianos Tue 04-Oct-16 08:22:00

The FOG takes a very very long time to shift - you've got decades of conditioning to overcome. Sounds like you're starting to prioritise your feelings over theirs. Good stuff

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