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Please help me

(20 Posts)
user1475493334 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:10:36

Please help me. I'm really confused. I don't know if my partner is abusive / has been abusive or if I'm going mad. I suffer from periods of anxiety and depression but I don't know if they have been caused/enhanced by the issues in our relationship. (We are married and have 1 young child together).
I don't know where to start so I'm going to list the things that have happened :
Unsupportive during times of depression like being distant and not offering comfort.
Cruel comments regarding a matter that upset me greatly.
Lack of support during very difficult periods in life.
Lack of interest, mocking, cruel comments regarding my hobbies and interests.
Mock, ridicule my attempts at setting up a business with friend. Lack of interest and support as well.
Not apologising for hurtful comments.
I have always been the first having to apologise and try to make amends during fall outs.
Dismissing my feelings and upset over a miscarriage.
Hit me in the face causing me to fall over and suffer whiplash for 3 days (in front of our child). This happened when I was feeling stressed out, slammed a door and shouted at him when he said unhelpful things.
Not apologising for 2 whole days, saying I deserved it.
Makes me feel bad if I confront him for upsetting me. In fact, any time I've tried to talk about the things he's done to upset me it makes me feel worse and I end up feeling like it's me with mental health problems.
Completely uninterested in spending time with me doing things I like or things we used to enjoy together.
He pretty much refused to talk/interact with me unless I learned/agreed with his newfound interest in religion.
If I do discuss religion with him (my opinions aren't the same as his in a lot of cases) I get my opinions shot down and often find his comments threatening. Then I end up feeling bad.
He spends most of his time at home on his phone and it makes me frustrated because I feel he should spend more time with his child. Having cried to talk to him about this I get shot down and made to feel bad because he works full time and wants to relax at home (I'm full time mum).
The one time I went out to a show with a friend and he looked after our child he was angry with me when I got home.

He has left me twice in our marriage (12years) once when an old friend messaged me inappropriate comments because I didn't tell said friend to f*@k off and once when he fell out with my mum.
Still refuses to make amends with my mum and pretty much wants nothing to do with my family despite me trying an telling him how upset I am about it. He believes my family have nothing to offer him.
During a very depressive period I tried talking with him trying to get support but the most I got was him telling me to turn to religion that it would help everything.
He often wants sex and if feels to me like he will only hug/kiss me at this time. If I don't want it, I get harassed or he gets moody.
Often jokingly insulting me.
I'm scared to confront him over any disagreements or hurtful comments or to even disagree or offer my opinions on religion (which now consumes his life). Sometimes i ferl like he can only see things from his own perspective and is unwilling to view otherwise. Im just feeling anxious at home which leads to depression. I feel I've lost all confidence and I'm just an empty shell. I'm scared to look for work or talk with my child's teachers about school issues. I don't find much enjoyment in the things I used to enjoy. If anyone says anything negative about me or I think ive done/said something wrong to someone, it kills me. I can't deal with it.

He's a good person and often willing to go out of his way to help those in need. But feels like he doesn't have the time to support me or even his child at times.
I don't understand this relationship any more and feel I should leave but I keep thinking I should have done better and I can try to fix it. I just don't have the energy any more.
Please, any words of advice or help I'd appreciate a lot.

SandyY2K Mon 03-Oct-16 13:25:54

He is abusive

I wanted to home in on some of the things in more detail, but don't have the time right now.

Just a few though.

Not apologising for hurtful comments.

Dismissing my feelings and upset over a miscarriage.

Hit me in the face causing me to fall over and suffer whiplash for 3 days (in front of our child).

Not apologising for 2 whole days, saying I deserved it.

Completely uninterested in spending time with me doing things I like or things we used to enjoy together.

He pretty much refused to talk/interact with me unless I learned/agreed with his newfound interest in religion.

If I do discuss religion with him (my opinions aren't the same as his in a lot of cases) I get my opinions shot down and often find his comments threatening.

He spends most of his time at home on his phone and it makes me frustrated because I feel he should spend more time with his child.

Having cried to talk to him about this I get shot down and made to feel bad because he works full time and wants to relax at home (I'm full time mum).

The one time I went out to a show with a friend and he looked after our child he was angry with me when I got home.

My dear,

He doesn't value or respect you in any way. You're just the mother of his child abnd he treats you terrible.

Not sure how old your child is, but you need to get a job. Even a part time one. Is your family nearby? Can your mum or MIL help with childcare.

You need to start somewhere in getting your self esteem back.

He's not a good man by any means.

You need to make a plan to leave him. He won't change. He doesn't think he's wrong.

He has put you down so much. Can you leave and go to stay with your family?

Iamdobby63 Mon 03-Oct-16 13:32:45

He isn't a 'good person' if he treats you this way. He is good to others only for the admiration he gets in return.

You need to start making plans, see what you are entitled to and realise you deserve so much better than this.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 03-Oct-16 13:33:53

Do call 0808 2000 247 now!!!!
You need their support and you need it fast.
This is abuse of the highest order and the fact you can't see that is very worrying indeed.
Womens Aid will help you see this for what it is and help you with a safe exit plan.
You need out and away from this vile abusive bully.
Don't let on to him about anything.
You could start getting your paperwork together and out of the house to a safe place.
Passport, marriage certificate, etc....
Confide in a real life friend or family member you trust.
This is horrible to read so to suffer it on a daily basis must be hell on earth.
Life is far too short for this.
Get out and enjoy an abuse free life.
Womens Aid first though - 0808 2000 247

SortAllTheThings Mon 03-Oct-16 13:35:46

He is definitely abusive.
He hit you in front of your child. You're scared and anxious to talk to him. That alone is reason enough to leave him. You sound so lonely, and resigned to the situation, but the fact that you've started this thread means you know it's not right, but maybe that you just need the support and advice to enable you to leave him.

sad

Do you have anywhere else you can go?

BantyCustards Mon 03-Oct-16 13:37:34

No. He is not a good person. That part of him is his mask for the outside world and for when he needs to reel you back in after he's been awful.

He doesn't 'feel' like he doesn't have the time for you or the children, he 'feels' he's entitled to be top dog/head honcho/man of the house and you are his emotional punchbag and unpaid childminder.

user1475493334 Mon 03-Oct-16 14:34:00

Thank you all for taking time to read and reply. I do feel like leaving is the best thing for me to do. I feel like this whole mess is badly affecting my ability to look after my child (I honestly would not want them to be in a relationship like this).
I just don't want to make things worse or cause any hurt to him as I still care a lot.

Thank you for the comments and advice.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 03-Oct-16 15:16:26

or cause any hurt to him
You are being way to nice to him.
He's a nasty abuser who is making your and your DC life a complete and utter misery!
Sod him and his feelings.
He doesn't give a shiny shite about you or yours!
Seriously. You need to get out of this head space.
He'd conditioned you.
Womens Aid and get out asap.
Your DC WILL end up with a man like this or be a man life this if this is the man you model to them.
You know that.
You know only you can break the cycle.
Do it for your poor DC if not for yourself.

gillybeandramaqueen Mon 03-Oct-16 17:49:04

Like I said in your other post... he's an utter cunt. You are totally deluded if you think he is a 'good person'. He's clearly definitely not.

user1475493334 Mon 03-Oct-16 21:39:12

Thank you again for the feedback. Though I haven't made any other post, gillybeandramaqueen.

I keep feeling I'm overacting about it all. He does have nice qualities though I struggle to focus on them. Most things just seem trivial when I try to talk about them (got told I'm ungrateful at one point). I just feel so down and hate myself, often feel like I don't deserve anything good or I should try harder to do better.
Thank you all again for replying to this thread.

Gymnopedies Mon 03-Oct-16 21:52:44

You are definitely not overeacting, he is awful. It's amazing that you can bear all that and take care of your DS. You need to get out so you can build your self esteem back and enjoy life.

buckingfrolicks Mon 03-Oct-16 21:55:02

Oh goodness OP he's got your self confidence and your trust in your own judgement just where he wants it. On the floor.

He sounds absolutely vile to live with. Appalling behaviour. You honestly are being abused by him. You are not to blame you don't deserve what he's dishing out.

I would absolutely leave that relationship. Good luck.

user1475493334 Wed 05-Oct-16 21:18:01

Thanks for advice.

I might be able to stay with my mum for a short while. But wondering what sort of help I could get in terms of housing and benefits. We own our home (in my name but both have paid equally). I cannot stay in the home as I could not pay mortgage or any bills. I don't know how long it would take for me to find work.

Plus I just keep doubting myself. When I'm not feeling so down I wonder if it's just that I'm struggling with mental health issues and I should try harder to fix myself then everything would be ok. Keep feeling confused.

georgethecat Wed 05-Oct-16 21:24:11

Weirdly, I have the magic cure to your depression....

Get rid of this twat

Memoires Wed 05-Oct-16 22:35:43

He's not a good person. Not not not. He's NOT a good person.

twattymctwatterson Thu 06-Oct-16 00:48:35

Op. What if a friend came to you and said her partner belittles her, says cruel things, is unsupportive during difficult times?
What would you say if she then admitted that he harassed her for sex and physically attacked her in front of their child?
He is responsible for you feeling depressed. He has eroded your confidence and self worth to the point that you can't see that a violent assault is abuse. Leave. Take your child and go,

SunsetOnTheHorizon Thu 06-Oct-16 01:37:00

You need to leave, even if it mèans seperating until you sort your own issues. Speak to your doctor and maybe get some counselling. You need to talk thru your self esteem issues. Do it for dc if not yourself. Do u want ur child growing up in a unhappy home?

Hope you find a solution to stop this xx

aziraphale Thu 06-Oct-16 06:15:05

Am I right that you aren't married and the house is in your name? You don't need to go anywhere. WA will help you with getting him to leave.

user1475493334 Thu 06-Oct-16 09:17:56

Thank you for your replies.
The home is in my name purchased after we married so I believe that makes it joint owned. We've both paid pretty much half each.
I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage and bills if I stayed here. We've been trying to sell it for a while we need more space.
I think my mum would help for a bit but I'd need a plan to find my own home somehow soon.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 06-Oct-16 09:21:54

Contact CAB to find out what you would be entitled to after a split.
See what you would get as child support as well.
It all helps.
Then take it from there.

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