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Why is being pushed/shoved always meant to be such a red flag event?

(140 Posts)
TemporarilyLost Mon 03-Oct-16 09:50:29

If it's only happened once in 15 years. Much worse happens to women on a daily basis. Worse in terms of name calling, shouting and other stuff has happened to me even.
I did slightly provoke him as well because i could see his anger was at boiling point but I didn't back down in my argument and get out of the room as he told me too.
Nothing has escalated since it happened and because it was so blatant I even brought it up (which I struggle to do with other stuff as he has a way of making it seem I'm the one in the wrong and overreacting) telling him it could never happen again. He even grudgingly apologised (which is massive as he is never sorry for anything) after I told him I wouldn't tolerate it.
Could it potentially be seen as a positive tipping point to promote positive behaviour changes?

smilingeyes11 Mon 03-Oct-16 09:54:30

You think being shoved indicates a positive change - erm no chance. There are very many red flags of abuse. Being pushed is only one of them. If you are being shouted at and called names then you are clearly being emotionally abused. If this has escalated to physical abuse too then this is a negative change. I don't care if he did grudgingly apologise - it won't change what he has done. Why are you with him?

Arfarfanarf Mon 03-Oct-16 09:57:37

well, it's a cause for concern because it's aggressive behaviour and aggressive behaviour is always cause for concern.

What would you do if your boss shoved you? Or your child's teacher? What if they pushed you backwards? How about your doctor? What if they put both hands on you and shoved you against a wall/through the door?

Because it's your partner it does not make the behaviour any more acceptable or understandable. Less so, actually, because you would hope for higher standards from someone who claimed to love you.

Does it mean it will inevitably escalate to you being beaten? Well no.

Does it mean it is acceptable? No.

Is it ok that the woman in the shop only shoved you over because the following day the other shop assistant punched another customer in the face so phew, lucky you eh? you only got shoved over. The other shop assistant punching a customer means you getting shoved is fine. Nothing to worry about. No cause to complain.

It's your life and your choice to make. If you believe that it is a turning point, that's up to you. Maybe it is. I'd be more likely to believe it if you'd got a heartfelt apology and he'd made an appt for anger management, but if you are happy with a grudging apology that again, is your choice.

words are nothing. Actions are what you're looking for.

pictish Mon 03-Oct-16 09:57:58

He 'even grudgingly apologised' ...and you were grateful for it to the point you think it was 'massive'.

He sounds like a dreadful bully.

TemporarilyLost Mon 03-Oct-16 10:00:26

Sorry I should have been more clear. I understand there have been elements of emotional abuse in our relationship but because they are so insidious it's difficult to act on them. At least when something like being pushed happens It is obviously wrong and I can stand up for myself easily by saying this is wrong. That way he has to see its not acceptable and change his behaviour for the better.

SaggyNaggy Mon 03-Oct-16 10:01:22

So he shoved you and:
which I struggle to do with other stuff as he has a way of making it seem I'm the one in the wrong and overreacting
Emotionally bullies you into submission?

How often do you walk on egg shells? How often do ypu keep quiet because you don't want to experience his reactions?

pictish Mon 03-Oct-16 10:04:39

Oh're in a dark wee place even if you don't want to see it. I'm sorry, I can't advise you that an escalation could be a positive thing, or on how to live with his abuse.

What's the set up here - have you got children together? Are you married?

BadToTheBone Mon 03-Oct-16 10:07:09

There is more than one red flag in your op. A single incident isn't necessarily a red flag (although it would be more stem than not), but you mention several and that's a concern.

BadToTheBone Mon 03-Oct-16 10:07:32

Stem.... Often

doji Mon 03-Oct-16 10:14:52

Because it shows a lack of respect and is likely to indicate that there will be abuse in the relationship (not necessarily physical). A man that thinks it's ok to shove/hit/push you, isn't going to consider shouting at you wrong.

Honestly, I found the physical abuse easier to cope with than the emotional and verbal abuse she I was with a man like this. Now I'd fucking run and not look back if there was even so much as a hint of any of them.

TemporarilyLost Mon 03-Oct-16 10:15:59

We are not married, have one dd 2.
I don't know why we're together as he has been a nasty prick in many ways but just as I got to the point of feeling sure of myself and getting real life support the wind has changed and he's being nice.

I'm aware in terms of moaning about him I'm at the 'either shit or get off the pot' stage.

I went out on Saturday and thought he'd be a jealous arse about it and apart from being pissed off a little before I went there was no endless phone calls or demands to know when I'd be back. Just nice, normal partner behaviour. I told a friend how unhappy I'd been and then because he'd been so kind about letting me go out I felt awful and guilty for bitching about him.

Ninasimoneinthemorning Mon 03-Oct-16 10:17:18

You can't see the woods for the trees because there is clearly a lot of drip drip abuse your not seeing it till 'something big' has happened - that you demand an apology for.

He used negative force against you. He used his strength against you. It doesn't matter that he told you to leave the room and you didn't - he lost control of his agression which resulted in an assault.

If you were at the supermarket and a stranger told you to leave the section you were at and you said no - and he forcefully pushed or shoved you, what would you do/feel? What would your Dh do/feel if he seen it?

It is not ok what he did. It's just another symptom of his abuse (which you said happens)

My mil left her Dh after years of abuse and violence - even pushing her down the stairs and breaking her arm, but because he actually blamed her for the 'fall' she was uncertain what had happened and blamed herself. She eventually left when she found out he was shagging some one else.

Honestly sounds like you are trying to justify his behavour - again .

pictish Mon 03-Oct-16 10:17:37

I mean let's face the plainest terms possible, living with someone who won't apologise for shitty behaviour is bad enough. To be told that you have brought that shitty behaviour upon yourself, or that you have no right to confront it, is fucking dreadful.
He bullies you.

Madinche1sea Mon 03-Oct-16 10:19:40

OP I'm sorry this has happened to you. The question is, regardless of the context and whether or not it will happen again, can you have any respect for a man who would shove you? For me personally, there would be no going back once that line had been crossed and words would mean nothing.

TheHoneyBadger Mon 03-Oct-16 10:22:22

well exactly. what you are feeling is exactly the purpose of being 'nice' sometimes (though behaving vaguely like a normal person doesn't actually equate to nice except in contrast to being a total arsehole). it's working rather well isn't it?

don't let a brief period of behaving vaguely well after realising he's gone to far change the resolve you'd found due to his usual ongoing behaviour.

smilingeyes11 Mon 03-Oct-16 10:23:41

'kind about letting me go out' - erm pardon? He has done a good number on you hasn't he? I think you need to research the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

SaggyNaggy Mon 03-Oct-16 10:27:17

being pissed off a little before I went
he'd been so kind about letting me go out

So he's basically trained ypu to not enjoy your life because it might upset him? He's got you well trained hasn't he?
"I better not go out because he'll be horrible" so you adapt your life to suit him. Get away from him ffs.

keepingonrunning Mon 03-Oct-16 10:29:42

In response to your own analogy: please shit (if that means LTB).
Break free to find a man who values, respects and is kind to you with whom you can model a positive, loving relationship to your DD.

TemporarilyLost Mon 03-Oct-16 10:29:52

About letting me go out: he had to look after dd if I go and we don't get to spend every evening together due to work commitments so yes, I have to ask to go out in a practical sense.

I got very close to leaving but the nice behaviour threw me off course.

pictish Mon 03-Oct-16 10:30:16

OP - no abusive spouse is awful all the time. They all have periods of niceness, harmony, understanding, support, affection etc. They're not stupid, they know that if they were horrible all the time you'd leave! You've said it feel you need something 'big' to happen to justify leaving.
They know they have to keep you wondering and hopeful, so they balance the shit out with some roses too.

SarcasmMode Mon 03-Oct-16 10:31:03

Just because people get stabbed during a mugging doesn't mean a mugging without a stabbing is OK.

I agree in isolation a shove once in 16 years may not be representative of the person but if they show other abusive behaviours then it does say something about their character.

See, physical violence is physical violence. A shove is a shove - if a stranger did it out of anger you wouldn't want to be anywhere near them again.

You cross a boundary when laying a hand on someone in anger.

Just because there is worse doesn't mean it's OK.

My ex used to hold me down if he wanted intimacy just with his weight. But he didn't hit me or anything so at least that's OK. Women get smacked about during sex all the time.

If you read that and think don't be ridiculous Sarcasm, you have your answer.

I know you love him and are grasping at straws.

If you don't want to leave him then don't - but you can't say you tried your very best for your DD in this scenario.

I don't mean to be harsh but I think that needed to be said (non confrontational person here).

pictish Mon 03-Oct-16 10:35:32

Take a look at these.

SarcasmMode Mon 03-Oct-16 10:37:34

That's great pictish.

SaggyNaggy Mon 03-Oct-16 10:38:24

Its his child, he's not a babysitter he's a parent, he doesn't have to look after DD he has to be a parent, which he should be all the time.

keepingonrunning Mon 03-Oct-16 10:38:43

A person should never EVER feel grateful their partner hasn't treated them worse. Kindness and no aggression should be a given at all times, even during disagreements.

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