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Is my husband having an affair of some kind

(114 Posts)
Flowersarefun39 Sun 02-Oct-16 17:12:49

I've been married 25 years and we have been very happy and people would say what a lovely marriage we have .But for the last two months my husband has said he wants space and is acting very differently .he use to call all the time etc which stopped overnight along with any affection .He is absolutely addicted to his phone and also very secretive with it has set it so no messages appear on screen when they are received and makes sure the screen is hidden when he is reading it . I know people would just assume straight away that he is playing away but he rarely does anything without me and he works with my son .my son just thinks he is having some sort of midlife crisis and his phone has just taken over his life , my daughter thinks he eveidently has something to hide but doesn't know what . I have confronted him over it and he swings from me being possessive ( and says it just because it doesn't include me) and other times said he is really going to try and be different he knows it's upsetting me .Am I just deluded ?

notapizzaeater Sun 02-Oct-16 17:14:02

Can you get a look at his phone ? Perhaps middle if night ? The not knowing would drive me insane.

Flowersarefun39 Sun 02-Oct-16 17:16:22

Unfortunately not as it has fingerprint id and yes the not knowing is driving me mad .

2rebecca Sun 02-Oct-16 20:09:35

I would tell him his secretive behaviour wrt his phone is making you think he is having an affair and if he wants the marriage to last he has to stop being so secretive and let you look at his phone. I'd be wanting to see his call history on his mobile records as well. I'd be happy to do the same (unless I was having an affair in which case it would be a huge invasion of my privacy)

2rebecca Sun 02-Oct-16 20:10:59

The lack of affection is a big red flag as well. If not physical affair emotional affair likely

fastdaytears Sun 02-Oct-16 20:13:05

Unfortunately not as it has fingerprint id and yes the not knowing is driving me mad

People on here often recommend getting round this by putting his finger on when he's asleep (I think drunk helps).

I would need to know.

2rebecca Sun 02-Oct-16 20:21:47

I wouldn't be devious. I'd just make it clear it's non negotiable if he wants his marriage to survive, and I want to know why he has withdrawn emotionally from the marriage. I'd be telling him if he wants to leave me for someone else he is welcome to go but if he stays this nonsense can't continue.

donajimena Sun 02-Oct-16 20:23:32

What rebecca said

ImperialBlether Sun 02-Oct-16 20:23:56

It certainly sounds as though he's up to something. What kind of work does he do? You say he's working with your son, but is it office-based? Plenty of opportunity to carry on with someone if you've got a computer in front of you.

Forgettheworld Sun 02-Oct-16 20:26:52

I think it's wrong to snoop on a partners phone but I think in this situation you have a right to ask. Next time he's on it just ask to look at it if he lets you fine, but if he doesn't then you know he's up to something he shouldn't be

keepingonrunning Sun 02-Oct-16 20:31:09

Put "how to unlock <name of phone> without fingerprint" into your search engine or YouTube. If it's an iPhone you can try taking it to an Apple store to unlock.

AnvilAnnie Sun 02-Oct-16 20:38:53

Unfortunately not as it has fingerprint id and yes the not knowing is driving me mad

If it's a (newish!) iphone - if you turn it on and off again, it requires for first boot up the digital code rather thant the finger print id. Maybe try that - if you know his code - or turn it off overnight and then eyeball him when he enters the code.

LucyLocketLostIt Sun 02-Oct-16 20:54:01

Sounds like textbook affair behaviour sorry.

Also agree with what Rebecca said.

OneTwoOneTwoThreeFour Sun 02-Oct-16 21:05:02

Yep, my money is in an affair. There is always time, no matter how it any seem.

It's shite, thiugh, sorry op

user1473454752 Sun 02-Oct-16 21:07:03

Let me tell you something, if you want to find out, wait till he is asleep, get his phone, get his finger on it and swipe it whilst he is asleep, open it and read the messages, that will tell you what you need to know!!

Fleekorunique Sun 02-Oct-16 21:08:41

Doesnt sound good OP, any of it.

SnookieSnooks Sun 02-Oct-16 21:15:08

Re the phone.... there will be a passcode to get into it. Probably his birth date. Once you're in, you can add your own finger print as a second option and he'll never notice (for an iPhone: click the settings app, once in the app scroll far down, then go to 'Touch ID and passcode')

Msqueen33 Sun 02-Oct-16 21:23:21

Just because he's office based doesn't mean he isn't using dating sites. I'd be quite suspicious. My dh is always on his phone but his behaviour hasn't changed and he leaves his phone about and is quite happy for me to look if I felt the need.

I'd be very tempted to put his finger on it when he's asleep to see to be honest.

SandyY2K Sun 02-Oct-16 21:32:15

Don't sneak to look at his phone.

It's very possible he is having an online affair, so he wouldn't need to go and see anyone.

I'd stop asking him anything and start investing time in yourself. You've discussed the reduction in affection and change of habit and the secrecy with his phone. Just leave him to it.

When I had something I wasn't happy about with my DH..(concerning another female, but not an affair), I just told him I was simply going to withdraw and detach from him emotionally. ....in order to protect myself.... and the result would be in the end I'd just have nothing left for him.

He knew how serious I was and he stopped what he was doing.

I don't have access to his phone, nor he mine. I couldn't confirm details, but I laid my cards on the table.

You should:

• Socialise with friends
• Do things that make you feel good. Like spa days or a simple walk or hike to clear your head.
• Keep yourself busy. Perhaps get a hobby.

Don't let your life revolve around him and just observe his actions from a distance, while getting on with your life.

You'll eventually decideif you want to carry on this way, or if your detached enough to not even care.

Flowersarefun39 Sun 02-Oct-16 21:59:05

Thank you for your replies .no it
Doesn't sound good on paper but as we have always been so close it's difficult to really believe that he could do this to me .iv know him since I was fourteen and we actually dated for 10 years before we were married so it's a long time
To throw the towel in on and he really is quite a straight up person . I don't particularly want to sneak into his phone .
Just really wanted to know if I was sounding crazy believing that a man does little without me could actually doing something to hurt me.

KitNCaboodle Sun 02-Oct-16 22:02:25

You can get into iPhones via Siri and the clock. Have a google to find the exact way.

Chocolate123 Sun 02-Oct-16 22:05:16

Well something had changed. Not necessarily is he having an affair but something is going on. I would be sitting him down and talking to him saying you need answers to what's going on as all this secrecy is not acceptable.

Chocolate123 Sun 02-Oct-16 22:06:10

Well something had changed. Not necessarily is he having an affair but something is going on. I would be sitting him down and talking to him saying you need answers to what's going on as all this secrecy is not acceptable.

keepingonrunning Sun 02-Oct-16 22:21:43

Everyone who has ever been cheated on almost certainly thought beforehand their partner could never be so deceitful, so hurtful and betray them so decisively.
I hope it isn't what it looks like Flowers. flowers

startingover231 Sun 02-Oct-16 22:24:16

I really really for your sake hope I'm wrong, but his behaviour is almost exactly what my XH did! After 24 years of a really good close marraige he started behaving like yours is, changing phone code withdrawing emotionally. I tackled him and he denied ow! I couldn't begin to imagine there could be, he never went out without me etc etc.... Sadly though he was cheating! Turns out I never really knew him at all or what he was capable of! But don't play games trying to get a sneaky look at this phone. Sit him down and tackle it head on! Something I wish I'd done months before it came to a head! But I genuinely hope I'm wrong because the fall out is awful, although I'm happier now than I've been for years, it takes a lot of heartache to move beyond it..... Good luck flowers

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