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Can I say this to dp?

(34 Posts)
BrianaTheBadger Sun 02-Oct-16 17:09:00

Well, obviously I can, but I'm wondering if people think it is wise.

I had another thread (which I'll try to link to below) about my dilema re staying with my partner who has chronic health problems. We have discussed some of the issues, although not really resolved them, plus I think he has got the wrong end of the stick a bit and thinks it's all about finances, which it isn't.

Things I want to say to him are:

I cannot cope with the frequency of sex we have now.

I find it difficult to come home from an interesting and productive day at work, and all you want to talk about (apart from house renovations, which admittedly are important and time consuming), is computer games. I know the house stuff is important but it bores me. And the computer games makes me sad because it is such a waste of time.

I will try hard to get my head around the possibility of you being a sahd if we have children, but
A) I need you to at least try to work, otherwise I will feel resentful
B) I'm scared that if things go tits up with our relationship then you would get custody of any children. You already own the house outright, so if I ever left I would have to move out and leave you and then there while I support you all. That would be shit.

These are all quite brutal topics. I feel I need to discus them but am useless at having these conversations without being either a pushover or a bitch.

Any advice? Please don't be too harsh. I honestly don't want to hurt my dp. I am crap at this.

BrianaTheBadger Sun 02-Oct-16 17:11:32

Previous thread..

AyeAmarok Sun 02-Oct-16 17:14:51

So you're not married, he owns your house on his own and your name isn't on the deeds, and he doesn't work so you are paying for his house, while he plays computer games?

Sounds like children would leave you in a very, very vulnerable position.

BrianaTheBadger Sun 02-Oct-16 17:17:10

I'm not paying for the house. He owns it outright and is paying for all renovations out of his savings.

BrianaTheBadger Sun 02-Oct-16 17:18:06

And if we did have children we'd get married first.

skyyequake Sun 02-Oct-16 17:25:15

Why would you be resentful if he didn't try to work if you had DC? Would you expect him to be resentful of you if you were a SAHP?

If he was primary carer then he would get automatic residency rights to any DC, but that doesn't mean you wouldn't see them. You have to trust that if things went south with your relationship that you would both be able to reach a compromise in which you are both happy in the amount you see any DC. You of course would have to pay maintenance as the non-resident parent.

What about the frequency of sex are you unhappy about? Too much? Too little? If its too little and you are with a chronically ill partner then I'd say that that's just something you need to come to terms with. If its too much then you need to put your foot down about saying no. And if he doesn't respect that then run very far away.

With the computer games: If he does spend all of his time doing nothing but gaming then I can see why you're frustrated. If it's because of his illness then you may have to find a way to understand. If all he can talk about is games, without taking an interest in your day then that is a massive problem and you need to tell him how that makes you feel. If its just that he has nothing else to say when you ask him about his day, then you might need to he more patient and see of there are any other hobbies he can enjoy within the limitation of his illness.

I haven't read your other posts but I think you just need to talk to him about how you feel. With the opening sentence being about how you are not making any accusations, or attacking him, but you simply want to air how you feel at the moment, your worries, etc, and you'd appreciate it if he could just listen and then help you try to solve these issues to the benefit of everyone. And also offer him the chance to air any feelings or worries without either of you assigning blame or demanding anything from each other until everything is out in the open.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 02-Oct-16 17:31:26

What do you want the answers to be? I don't think they are unreasonable, they are brutal, but I don't think they are things that will be easy to solve, either.

Quantity of sex will be an issue. It splits lots of couples. You'll both need to compromise if it's going to work. If you're already having more or less sex than you'd like, it suggests the pair of you haven't managed to compromise well.

If he likes video games and you think he's wasting his life, you will feel resentment. It also seems very odd to dictate what topics of conversation there should be. Do you naturally converse well most of the time? I'd definitely ask him to tone down on gaming or house talk if you need too, but I think the usual etiquette would be to change the subject. If conversation between you isn't natural, I'd bail on this now.

The final one is the kicker. It's his house. If you marry first, you'll be in a better financial position, which is good. Why doesn't he work? I think you need to seriously consider if you want to be the SAHP. It sounds like youll resent him for being a SAHD whilst you're having to work, and he'll resent you for making him work.

Then there's the issue of it all falling apart. I think I'd be seriously assessing compatibility before this point, to be honest; it doesn't sound like you have much. Residence is usually split as close to 50/50 as possible, although it may not be possible for you to do 50/50 if you're working full time or have to move a distance away. Spousal maintenance is rare, and he'd be unlikely to be able to claim if he's currently unemployed pre childten, and child maint nance would not be payable if you're 50/50. Look into all of these things to make sure that you understand what's likely to happen. I'm not sure what benefit discussing it with him would have, though, he's likely to have very different views on what he'd do now than if you split. You couldn't bind him to any decisions, he couldn't promise not to go for residency and you actually be able to enforce that. I think being prepared is the better course of action.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 02-Oct-16 17:32:29

I think Skys answer is actually perfect and spot on.

Groundhogday2016 Sun 02-Oct-16 17:35:49

He sounds even worse on your other thread. Do you really want to live like this?

Groundhogday2016 Sun 02-Oct-16 17:36:44

I did post on your other thread under a different username and questioned how he could look after any prospective children given his health problems anyway.

skyyequake Sun 02-Oct-16 17:52:46

Ok I read your OP on your other thread and really really doubt his health would stand up to being a SAHD. The only way he would cope was if you put in MAJOR help when you weren't at work. I'm talking sorting evenings out, night feeds, basically you wouldn't get a single minute off your feet. Else he will probably collapse from exhaustion. He might be more suited once any DC are older and at school but during the first two years it would be hell for both of you.

I think you need to put it to him like this: He wouldn't be able to be a full-time SAHD. Its not a job where you can take time off. Which means that you would have to go PT in order to pick up the slack without killing yourself in the process. This then means that he would need to get some sort of job PT to make up the finances else you simply couldn't afford the DC in the first place. Be gentle, tell him you will help him gain confidence back, and you will go at a comfortable pace and not rush things. But also point out that you absolutely cannot have any DC until this situation is sorted, plus being married.

If I were you I'd be pretty concerned that he didn't want to marry me because he "didn't want to tie me to him" because to me that screams two options.

1) he doesn't actually want to marry you and is stalling

2) his health issues, job loss, and lack of confidence have put him so low that he legitimately thinks that he's saving you by not marrying you. In which case I'd get him down to a GP to see about potential depression pretty sharpish.

I think you have A LOT to sort out before you start considering bringing DC into it.

Kr1stina Sun 02-Oct-16 17:53:25

I think you sound incompatible . I'm sure you are both really lovely but that's not the point really .

Essentially he's retired. He's given up work and doesn't plan to work again.his house is paid off. He spends 1/4 of his time caring for his father and the rest of the time playing computer games and organising contractors . ( The last two are what most people do in their spare time and not as a job ) .

I understand that he's not in the best of health ,so I'm not blaming him for any of the above . He's obviously very happy with his lifestyle and has no plans to change it . He certainly won't change it because you want him to.

You are in completely different place in life. Early 30s good job, building your careers, out socialising . Totally normal . You think you want kids but you are not sure .

You don't even have any common interests to talk about at night.

Your sex life is unsatisfactory .

It's not going to work is it?

Getting married or you getting pregnant won't change his lifestyle , his hobbies or his aspirations. He's just the kind of guy who says " well you go ahead and have kids if you want but don't expect me to change my life becaue I won't / can't / I'm too tired / busy/ have other commitments " .

I'm sorry. The good news is that you are 34 working this out and not 40 .

skyyequake Sun 02-Oct-16 18:03:01

If I'm honest I do agree with kr1stina. I just wanted to give you the opportunity to work it out on your own... I can understand that you clearly love this guy, so take what has already been suggested and discuss with him but if I were you I would be judging how he responds.

No one can really get an accurate reading of someone from a post on MN. But it does sound as if he'll respond as kr1stina predicts. He may not, he may surprise us all and react very well, but please don't feel like you have to be the one doing all the legwork in sorting out your relationship and bringing up your DC and earning a wage.

Separate what is a legitimate issue caused by his illness, and what is just him not being on the same page as you/willing to compromise with you. If he's really dismissive of your worries, especially regarding the care of DC, then maybe you do need to question whether you really want to stay in the relationship.

Kr1stina Sun 02-Oct-16 18:19:06

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I don't mean to be. I'm sure he'll say

" yeah, if it really matters to you we can get married and have a baby. I'll do my best to help but I can't know how things will be with my parents or the house or my health "

And I'm sure he will mean it . But a marriage certificate won't change who he is and what he wants out of life .

I think the reason that you are unsure about kids is that you are very dissatisfied with your life right now and you want SOMETHING to change . And because you are a 34 yo woman, society suggests that that something shoudl be having a baby.

But that's not right for everyone , it's certainly not compulsory . I don't think he's the right man for you, at least not to be part of the kind of family life you envisaged .

You might never want kids, or to have them with someone else or even on your own. But I cant see how it's going to work with this guy . Lovely as he is .


SandyY2K Sun 02-Oct-16 18:28:43

I see where you're coming from.

I don't mean any offence by this, but I wouldn't marry and have kids with a man who had chronic health problems, to the point he was unable to work.

I just know I'd be resentful and feel like the whole financial burden was on m. Then God forbid the marriage ends. I'd end up with less custody and I'd be paying him CS and spousal support.

I just wouldn't do it.

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 02-Oct-16 18:34:19

I think if you're having these doubts, you probably shouldn't be thinking about marriage or children with this man.

Cary2012 Sun 02-Oct-16 18:38:39

I don't understand how you can be in the mindset where you are talking about future custody of kids who as yet haven't been conceived!

You must see that your current relationship couldn't cope with bringing children into what is already an unhappy, unstable environment.

Please put future kids on hold, you have enough issues to try and address between the two of you first.

BrianaTheBadger Sun 02-Oct-16 20:34:06

Thanks all.

Its a bit hellish at the moment. We've kind of half talked things over. He's convinced we're going to break up and is devastated but desperately wants to avoid talking further. I still don't know what I want. Its sounds so obvious what the answer is in this thread, but in RL I love him and it is so much more complicated.

sarahnova69 Sun 02-Oct-16 20:41:54

Briana, you mean he refuses to talk about these important issues any more because he's afraid the conversation will result in you breaking up?

I'm sorry, but I think the blunt and simple truth is that your lives and your needs don't mesh.

BrianaTheBadger Sun 02-Oct-16 20:52:09

Sarah - yes, and because talking about it us so painful.

I just want to make sure we understand each other. I don't want us to make a huge mistake.

SandyY2K Sun 02-Oct-16 21:00:22

I just can't see how you won't resent being the only income earner in the house. You'll have to rush back from maternity leave and
if he's actually capable of looking after a baby/child, then he can get a job.

I don't mean to be harsh here .... but I can't see women queuing up to be with a man they'll have to financially support for life and potentially have to be a carer to as well.

It sounds like a life of doom to me. I'm sorry ... that's what it seems like. A life sentence of misery and sadness.

choli Sun 02-Oct-16 21:03:16

It's hard to decide which of you is more stupid. Please don't reproduce.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 02-Oct-16 21:06:10

That says it all.

The only way this works, the only way it doesn't hurt, is if you don't talk about anything big. If you ignore it all, you can eek it out a bit longer.

It will boil down to something very similar to; do you love him enough to give up on any dreams of being a SAHP? To put up with him not working and spending his days on video games, whilst you're the breadwinner? To know that if you give this a shot and it fails, he'll be the resident parent?

I think the fact that both of you think it's over and you won't survive is testament here. You both know. You're dragging out the pain.

BrianaTheBadger Sun 02-Oct-16 21:08:35

Sandy - I don't know.. Its not as bad as all that. We live mortgage free and tbh he has earnt more in his short career than I ever will in mine (I chose to leave a well paid private sector job and follow my dream career path in the public sector which is great but pays peanuts) so even without him working we're better off than many.

Naicehamshop Sun 02-Oct-16 21:39:28

I hope this doesn't sound trite, but if the relationship was really right for you then you wouldn't be having all these agonising doubts.

Honestly it won't get better, it will get worse. Bite the bullet and move on.

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