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Married sex life or lack of it

(94 Posts)
victoriafalls555 Sun 02-Oct-16 13:15:29

With so much cheating and divorces going on, I want to ask you all: How do you keep your sex life alive in a marriage with kids? Is it alive? Are you happy with it? Is your DP happy with it? How do you know?

If you're not very active, do you think your DP is fine with that, what do you do together instead? It seems to me this is a big problem in many marriages, I'm definitely struggling with loss of libido in mine. A happy sex life makes a happy marriage. Isn't it so?

TheNaze73 Sun 02-Oct-16 17:00:33

I think you're right OP. It's basically the only act that separates people from just being friends. Money & sex are the two biggest deal breakers with marriages & when I read some of the posts on here, I do think some people put zero importance on it & the problems it causes their partners (both female & male) who feel unloved & rejected. There are never excuses to cheat, it's despicable but, you can see why a non confrontational, weak willed person takes the easy option of seeking it elsewhere. Deplore it but, it does happen

Ellieboolou27 Sun 02-Oct-16 21:28:42

I think sex is important as well as affection and closeness (cuddles, kissing hello etc), however since having kids it has changed our sex life, we've got two, 4 and 1 years old. We can go for a month or more without, it matters more to my husband than me as in always so tired or I just want some time to myself. We've been together 12 years.
I'm sure he'd prefer if we have it more regularly but while the kids are so young it is what it is.

PastoralCare Sun 02-Oct-16 22:07:55

Yes, sex is not crucial on a daily basis, but the lack of it accumulates like layers of sands on dunes.

One day you realise the dune is so high you can't see one another.

If you've lost your libido, it is crucial you still make some effort on your part without necessarily having intercourse.

You might ask for little extra help and hugs from him and wear some naughty things (or whatever he's into) when you go out for dinner.

RainbowBriteRules Sun 02-Oct-16 23:00:21

I've been with DH for ages and, aside from the very early days, have never really been that active. Once a week or so, managed to get up to twice a week when TTC. Always felt as if I was just not that sexual. I know DH would have liked more but we are caught up in the typical young kids, busy life, tired stage like ellie described. I often worried about it but really didn't enjoy sex that much and couldn't be bothered to have any more!

Over the last couple of months I have suddenly had a massive increase in libido and I still can't put my finger on why. I found it all a bit unsettling TBH. DH also found the new me a bit of a change but I think he likes it now grin. I think it's a combination of having a bit more time to myself, a crush on someone else sort of woke me up (nothing happened before I get flamed) and hormones. I'm still really not sure why now and am just trying to go with it. I actually had a thread as was so unused to even being interested in sex and got some helpful advice grin. Thanks guys!

Actually writing this I am wondering if having a crush made me wake up and realise I needed to put more effort into my marriage. Also I really need time for myself to have enough emotional energy to give to anyone else.

cauliflowercheese14 Sun 02-Oct-16 23:19:26

Like ellie says really. Two young dds, ft job, absolutely knackered most of the time, also haven't had an unbroken nights sleep in 3.5 years and almost no time to myself. However, I'm optimistic things will improve over time, it can be a tough time having young kids, especially when they're bad sleepers, so you can't expect things to be the same as they were pre kids.

keepingonrunning Mon 03-Oct-16 01:10:18

Here's another question OP.
Are you researching for an article by any chance?

victoriafalls555 Mon 03-Oct-16 10:43:01

Haha no!! Just wondering what people do to keep their relationships happy. It is something I struggle with (the sex part). I know it is important, but our libidos just don't meet. I'm quite happy to go a week or two without, I think DH would like it at least weekly. Just wondered if there were these amazing couples out there who had it all covered and could shed some light into how they manage to keep it so fresh.

Happybunny19 Mon 03-Oct-16 11:09:05

My DP and I have been together for 22 years and have three dcs, 8, 5 and 5 months. We're very lucky that our sex drives match, but I don't think we'd still be together without that intimacy tbh. The amount we dtd has varied over the years but if it got less than every couple of weeks it would be an issue. During my last pregnancy we probably did it 5-10 times, so to make up for lost time we've challenged ourselves to do it every day. It's been a few months now and apart from a night off here and there it's been a fabulous success. I think we do it more often now than in our twenties. We're both making the time for each other and our relationship is even closer than ever for it. We don't go out anywhere, have dates or anything like that ( I'm still breastfeeding exclusively and can't leave baby for long) but put time aside for one another after the kids are in bed.

user1471535250 Mon 03-Oct-16 11:30:22

Fundamental ,Sex is a drive to procreate. Really, thats all it is. True affection is much more, the closeness, shared pursuit's, and of course the bringing up children. The lack of acceptance by both partners- usually the male but not exclusively- that the sexual side will and should fade is one of the main problems in relationship breakups, from what I see and read here and elsewhere. Its not for you to 'give in' if your partner badgers you for sex, but for them to accept that they need to move forward in the relationship. Its a very narrow step to mental and physical abuse, if this doesn't happen.

hangingoutattheendofmywick Mon 03-Oct-16 11:50:39

After being in a sexless relationship (after first couple of months then never again for 2 years) I genuinely believe sex or sexual chemistry is absolutely pivotal. My husband is the man I have always had ridiculous chemistry with - when we met i hated him .... but fancied the pants off him. And vice versa (nothing at all to do with looks, just a weird chemical thing). Now we have two small children so obviously we do it less ... but it's never bad and he always wants to which helps me feel good about my body even after two kids. We aren't doing a lot lately as I have a problem with my pill and don't want to risk a third child! If i was taking it I would say we would do it twice week (sat and sun) and sometimes mid week.. But yes i think it's so important. I thought of a little saying the other day "pick a husband who makes you laugh hard and ahem... orgasm hard." Those are the two most important things i think.

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 03-Oct-16 12:38:46

Too many journo type questions. Not going to answer.

SpookyPotato Mon 03-Oct-16 12:40:37

We don't have much sex as we have a toddler in a one bed flat, maybe twice a month? But we have always been low frequency yet still so close, always cuddling and touching each other, 10 years together and we hold hands on the couch! He is my best friend and when sex does happen, it's really good. Sometimes if it's been a really long time then we can feel a distance between us. But it all depends on if both people are happy with it.. It's difficult when it's mismatched as no-one wants to feel forced to have it more than they want.

victoriafalls555 Mon 03-Oct-16 14:06:38

IreallyKNOWiamright that is so funny!! You're not right this time 'cause I'm not a journo :-D
User1471535250, wow really?! And how does your other half feel about that? Is he still around? I believe (even though I don't really practise what I preach) that you should listen to your partner and try make him/her happy, and if it means more sex, then be it. I heard a saying that women need to feel loved to have sex, men need to have sex to feel loved. I wonder if there's some truth to it.
Happybunny19, I think you guys are amazing! Together for 22 years and to take up a challenge like that shows you guys really love each other.
My DH and I have two young children as well, and life is very busy. I have let that side go a bit, but I am beginning to think after reading all these unhappy threads that perhaps loads and loads of sex is the glue that keeps you together through these tough times. We also cuddle a lot and hold hands, but if I'm being perfectly honest I'm beginning to think that's not satisfying enough for a man..

leaveittothediva Mon 03-Oct-16 15:31:09

We're very happy the way everything is going at the moment, I have no complaints and he's more than happy. We have a very active sex life, we talk an awful lot about it, and manage it every day apart from illness etc,. It wasn't always this easy. My libido was awful. But we talked, tried different things, got over it. And this suits us both. Other aspects of our relationship have definitely improved because we also talk about everything. We're together 20 years.

HarmlessChap Mon 03-Oct-16 16:27:07

Unfortunately after many years of trying to resolve things with DW I am coming to the conclusion that ending our marriage is probably the only viable solution.

DW and I are best friends but she treats me like a brother rather than husband. She openly admits that she has a problem with affection, learned from her mother, but doesn't show any wish to address that problem.

I had a bit of a break down at the start of the year after no sex for 2 years and affection (hugs, kisses etc.) only come from me and often I was pushed away because she's so keen to tell me the latest piece of gossip from work etc.

This year she's made a bit of an effort when I've make a point of it but slips back into old habits within a week or two. We've DTD 3 times this year, and she's not as bad at pushing me away when I go for a hug but still it would be nice it it wasn't such a one way street. Recently I became friendly with a couple within the sports club I'm part of and who are the kind of people who give you a big hug to say hello or goodbye and its quite bizarre that I have had more hugs from them than do from DW.

I do find winter depressing (SAD?) and am not looking forward to it being harder to shrug off the feelings of rejection, ultimately I think I am in danger of getting seriously depressed if I stay, but the prospect of not being a daily part of my children's life is just as awful.

Alas I wouldn't be able to afford to have accommodation large enough to share custody and as a weekend worker I don't know when I would really see our kids other than school holidays.

So yes a lack of sex, and affection, is not just important for the sake of the marriage but also for the mental well being and self esteem of those within it.

user1471535250 Mon 03-Oct-16 17:03:05

Well, Victoria, he's just had to get used to it! Together 25 years,2 kids. I'm quite happy 'taking care' of my self if I feel the urge, I assume he does too! May sound vaguely heartless, but I'm not some sex toy when he happens to feel randy. We are affectionate in a non sexual way and do lots of things together and apart. If he ever does try it on I tell him to get his bike out and cycle it off! So I m basically in disagreement with some other posters.

victoriafalls555 Mon 03-Oct-16 19:00:58

User1471.. You seem really harsh. Poor hubby. You are basically telling him to go find it somewhere else. Would you blame him if he did? Chap,I'm so sorry for you. Your situation doesn't seem fair either. I think us women don't always appreciate how important sex is and then get a huge shock when partner goes and finds it elsewhere.

LostAtSea2 Mon 03-Oct-16 19:12:51

HarmlessChap. I'm where you are as well. We are seeing a counsellor as we just seem to have lost our way these last years. Taking it through we both see things that we have done that we need to change.

The lack of intimacy for me is a killer, and by that I mean the lack of hugs, touches, kisses as well as sex. We both no we need to try to fix this but I admit that we are 2 months in from where I also had a bit of a breakdown that resulted in hospitalisation, but it's hard.

Happybunny19 Mon 03-Oct-16 19:37:44

Wow Victoriafalls you really do sound like you couldn't give a shit about your husband. He must feel like the sperm donor you've used and discarded.

You should read through the posts from men who are devastated by their partners taking your attitude, and don't be surprised if your husband is not quite so content in your relationship as you. Shouldn't he have an equal say in things too? Oh and before you attack me for acting as a "sex toy" our arrangement was instigated by me, not my DP.

LostAtSea2 Mon 03-Oct-16 19:45:52

Happy bunny. I think you meant User1471?

Happybunny19 Mon 03-Oct-16 19:59:33

Sorry (I was outraged) blush

Princesspinkgirl Mon 03-Oct-16 21:28:31

Sex dwindled in my last relationship it literally stopped we was sleeping in different bedrooms it affected our rship and it did eventually end ....

FrameyMcFrame Mon 03-Oct-16 21:45:08

*'Poor hubby, you are basically telling him to find it elsewhere'
Did you really just use the word Hubby?

Are you sure you're not from the Daily Mail?

leaveittothediva Mon 03-Oct-16 23:16:25

user1471535250 You sound exactly like my mother, sex for children, after that she didn't want to know. My father stayed until he died, he was unhappy though. I changed the pathology.

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