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Getting very frustrated with DH

(13 Posts)
burninthesun Sat 01-Oct-16 12:44:27

We are financially comfortable e.g bills paid, food on table but luxuries such as a new phone, laptop, holidays etc are not within our reach at the moment. I am self employed and business is difficult as there is a lot of competition where I live. I work very hard at it, often responding to emails at night, researching, finding new ways to reach my audience, updating social media etc -- all the raise my profile and brand. I had to take a break from the corporate world just it became too to manage full time work and intensive IVF treatments which make me feel really unwell. We also realised how much stress it was all giving me so decided to leave and start my own business which gives me flexibility and also time to go for scans and treatment etc. Besides the business was my lifelong passion. I have lived off most of my savings while my husband has been able to support most of our expenses with his salary. I keep my expenses very low, hardly by any new clothes or shoes and even if I did, its always from Primark or New Look especially in the sales. I wear cheap high street makeup and I do my own hair. He on the other hand would not hesitate to spend £180 - £300 on clothes and shoes three times a year. I never ask him for money to shop. He buys me perfume for birthdays and Christmas. Other than that I never really have any luxuries and I feel happy that despite going off what we assume is "normal" e.g working in an office and steady income, I have managed to keep my expenses low and have done everything I can do to make my business a success. I don't earn anywhere close to where I used to but I know new businesses take time to establish.

My husband on the other worked in his former company for nearly 20 years and then when he was made redundant, took the first job that was offered to him (probably the only one he applied for) despite having no career prospects, no bonus and no perks because its 10mins from home. I fully appreciate that he doesn't like to commute long but I did think he could have waited to see what was on offer before jumping on what was easy. He said then it was temporary as we were getting married the next year but now 4 years on , a new management takeover, people walking out etc he complains but doesn't look for a job elsewhere.

It took 3 years for him to get his CV done and now 5 months later, every now and then I would ask if he has seen anything interesting or applied....he would have a list of excuses:

1. I don't have word on my laptop - (I have word on mine. Feel free to use it any time) - Never does.

2. I am fixing my laptop - (took months and still not "ready")

3. I have to download tools (What sort of tools do you need to write your cover letter?) Word - (I have words in mine)

4. I need to sharpen my skills (He is a IT engineer) - I said, why not apply for the job and then when you get the interview, work on the skills they will test you for? "No, I need to do it first as then I will fail"

5. I need to cut my hair first to prepare (surely you can cut your hair when you get an interview date, not before you even apply for jobs?)

6. I don't have time ( But he has time to sit and watch tv all evening, and on weekend mornings, spend hours in AV forums and researching where to get the best price for lightbulbs - not kidding!)

I know he has some sort of anxiety about change and making decisions but this is really getting me down. A new job means a little more money for us so we can put away for the IVF. We also need to move house as ours is currently a little small. We need to renovate the kitchen before we can sell and understandably he doesn't want to take a loan for it.

I just feel that I am doing everything that is possible in our partnership to achieve our future goals - baby, house and savings yet he has the possibility to have a little more income, possibly with some bonus and perks which would be a good thing for him yet he has become so indifferent to our situation.

I am at breaking point and tired of being the "nagger" We have a great relationship otherwise and its only every other month when I say something so please don't think he is henpecked or being nagged at.

We have been in this house for nearly 10 years and our kitchen is falling apart and we have run out of space for everything. Its very challenging as my business needs a separate space but I make do and try to manage.

I am really starting to panic about the future. What if he won't change? This whole wanting a new job has been going on for years. What if he just says that to keep me thinking there is hope?

I know our future is not totally depending on him or his new job/salary but part of it is his attitude and procrastination.

How can I help him? Do I leave? Do I stay? Help!!

burninthesun Sat 01-Oct-16 12:46:27

apologies for the super long message and typos. Just realised I can't edit it after posting!

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Oct-16 12:49:31

It's not an equal partnership, is it? He feels free to spend whatever he wants and you are scrimping and saving. That's appalling, really.

What would you think if a friend wrote your thread?

AnnettePrice Sat 01-Oct-16 13:02:59

Seems like you have different goals and paths in life.
Maybe talk about this to make sure it will work between you before going further with the IVF?

burninthesun Sat 01-Oct-16 13:09:26

Imperial - I have to mention that he probably sees his spending as "basic" or a treat even and he would love to change his old dinasour of a phone to the latest Samsung for example but puts it towards other things we need such as the roof etc.

burninthesun Sat 01-Oct-16 13:10:56

The thing is, he says this is what he wants too but there is no money for all of this but my point is that he has the capacity to increase his income but yet has been procrastinating for so long that I am starting to feel we have lost time

pocketsaviour Sat 01-Oct-16 13:21:07

So some time ago you left your stressful but well-paid job to start your own business and improve your mental health. Family income went down.

Your H has taken a job which he presumably prefers to leaping into the unknown, as he values the short commute and better work/life balance more than the slightly higher salary he might get elswhere.

From what I can see, you've both chosen similar trade offs. I don't think it's fair for you to keep pushing him to do something he clearly doesn't want to do. (Although it's annoying he doesn't have the balls to say so and instead just keeps making excuses.)

He on the other hand would not hesitate to spend £180 - £300 on clothes and shoes three times a year.
I don't think this is particularly excessive. If it was every month, yes. But presumably you're not living hand to mouth.

Foldeemort Sat 01-Oct-16 13:23:02

Oh, that all sounds so difficult burn flowers

While of course no one should ever end a relationship based on random online advice alone, I would ask what's keeping you together - do you still love him?

"What if he won't change" - well, most people don't fundamentally. I mean, parenthood can turn people's lives upside down in ways they never expected, and it can transform people completely, so never say never, but it also pushes parents who were 100% committed and in the same zone right to the limits.

What if you end up with him as he is now, plus a tiny needy child - do you think you'd manage and be happy? Basically if your happiness depends on him switching personality type, then you might not be really right for each other.

If you do still love him and can't imagine life without him, then maybe you need to think about consciously adapting your expectations a bit. Can you live without the kitchen and the money etc? I'm not saying that you should just be a doormat or something - I just mean it's about prioritising as a couple what's important, and perhaps his low pay is a tradeoff for him not being anxious or stressed?

And in the nicest possible way, if you are otherwise happy in the relationship (again, it reads like you're not, but not everything comes across well online), is it possible that some of the "need" to sort this stuff out is partly a way you're dealing with infertility?

I'm sorry if I've worded that clumsily - but I'm on the same journey and it's extraordinarily difficult. I know I get obsessed with silly things to distract myself sometimes, or pick quarrels I shouldn't - it's about having some control over an utterly uncontrollable situation for me.

Foldeemort Sat 01-Oct-16 13:23:18

(Longest post I've ever written, sorry!)

burninthesun Sat 01-Oct-16 13:35:44

I do love him and I even hesitate about starting a new life without him. But when you are as frustrated as I am after years of this, you start to wonder but its a huge decision that I don't take lightly.

I get what you mean about baby/fertility. This has been on going way before we started the process. Well aware of the "baby" will fix this aspect of couples trying for a baby. We were never like that but I do think the prospect of having children in a seriously collapsing kitchen is perhaps making me feel we need to step up things.

burninthesun Sat 01-Oct-16 13:36:43

I should mention that we missed carried out twins in January and I am deeply frustrated that we cannot afford another IVF round this year.

hermione2016 Sat 01-Oct-16 13:45:10

How old are you both?

On spending I would agree an equal amount to spend on clothes, each month or whatever..Dont go without as you will only have resentment

If there isn't the money then he may feel more motivated.

It does sound however you have different goals.

Foldeemort Sat 01-Oct-16 14:21:45

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. That changes your whole life doesn't it? I don't think I'd have understood before dealing with it, not really, or known that mental count of "they would be a year old by now, two years, two and a bit". While time keeps flying by.

How has your husband dealt with it all? Does he talk to you about wanting kids, or trying IVF again? I'm perhaps reading too much into it, but it must feel to you like he doesn't really think it's going to happen deep down, or that if it did, you'd magically have time to fix all everything. Or even worse - that he just doesn't want this stuff at all.

Sometimes relationships do gently end over time and people do go their separate ways. This might be true for you but it would be a real shame if it was "just" the stress of infertility masking itself as something else.

Have you talked to him about how his spending makes you feel? Not in a casual "thought about applying for a job" way but a direct one, including detailed budget planning? Or in couples' counselling?

It can't be "all work no play" of course - you both still need to "live" as well as exist, so if clothes are something he wants or needs to buy occasionally, he should be able to do that too. And you should be able to treat yourself sometimes too.

But fundamentally, deep down, don't bank on him changing drastically. He couldn't expect that from you either.

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