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Discovered best friend having affair

(73 Posts)
lcl Sat 01-Oct-16 09:39:20

I will try to keep this brief. Basically my best friend has told me she's unhappy in her 11 year marriage and they had a chat agreeing to give it 6 months. That was about two months ago. Anyway I didn't think they were right for each other ( night before they got married I asked was she sure about it) her mum did the same , however they have my goddaughter together and they seemed pretty ok. He's had to work away this past year and half in the week. Anyway I supported her with this and hoped they might work through it but was behind her if she decided to separate. Last week changed everything because she told him she wanted to separate ( without giving it the 6 months ). She blurted it out when he came home with a watch for her as a belated anniversary gift. I've now found out she sleeping with someone else. I'm really upset that she's made this decision with someone else involved. I can't get my head around the fact she's essentially having an affair and really her husband didn't have a proper chance of rectifying things as there's emotions involved with this other guy. He's told her he loves her and she feels she is falling in love. She hasn't made this decision with a clear head in my opinion. Am I being totally unreasonable , I know this happens and I know that staying in an unhappy marriage is not right but I just wish there wasn't someone else in the picture. At the end of the day surely the child comes first and she should be honouring her vows enough to separate before getting involved with this other man?

tribpot Sat 01-Oct-16 09:49:06

Well, it's not ideal but she has separated, hasn't she? Lots of people would have strung the DH along whilst seeing how the affair panned out, so I think she is at least trying to do the right thing.

If she hasn't been honest with her DH that she wants to terminate the 'trying again' period because she's met someone else, I would certainly advise her to do that - it may cause bitterness but it at least gives him the knowledge it isn't his fault, and respects him enough to tell him the truth. I find people having affairs are strangely reluctant to see themselves as the bad guy, however .. I wonder why..

I think it's fine to be angry with her, and to be clear you will play no part in any deception, but ultimately the best thing for the child is for her parents to be happy.

I'm sure you're right that this new relationship will backfire, but I think the main thing to do is caution her not to introduce him to her daughter too soon.

lcl Sat 01-Oct-16 11:51:49

Thanks so much for replying. She has been seeing this guy for about 5 months I think ( she's literally like a sister to me and I feel hurt she's deceived me too!!). She only admitted it because I asked her face to face about it. I knew they had kissed but i didn't know he was coming to the marital home at night ( when the child is in bed) and they have had sex together in the spare room !! I said there's no way you introduce this man to the child . The husband comes home at weekends and literally they are still as they were a week ago but since last Friday's bombshell in separate rooms. It's crazy but I grew to like and respect her husband even though I didn't initially and i feel so, so sad for him and their child. I wouldn't have such a problem is they separated , then she met someone later on. I think she's jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. She's saying how much she's changed but her husband is the same man she willingly married. I'm never going to like this other guy as he's basically pursued a married woman and smoozed her. She's very easily sucked in. I have told her I'm upset about this and it's wrong but I literally cannot abide it I fine before she dropped the affair bombshell. I really don't think she should tell her husband ( ever) as that would be the worst thing for the child wouldn't it as it would turn acrimonious ?

RealityCheque Sat 01-Oct-16 12:02:01

You are being VERY unreasonable. It really is less than fuck all to do with you.

I have never understood people that insist on poking their noses into other people's lives. YOU have NOT been deceived because it's none of your business. Get a grip and get on with your life.


lcl Sat 01-Oct-16 12:22:34

You are very self righteous. This is a mate who I'm there for every single day and we speak at least once a day and more on messenger and she expects me to offer advice and concern on everything ...then drops this one in which changes the whole issue dramatically. You are clearly having an affair yourself !!!

worriednotsure Sat 01-Oct-16 12:26:02

I also feel you are being very judgemental.

The situation isn't ideal - that's for sure - but your friend is an adult and has not committed any crime.

Are you always perfectly behaved? Never put a foot wrong in your entire life? Get orf your high horse I'd say.

peppercold Sat 01-Oct-16 12:28:38

are clearly having an affair yourself !!!

shock what a ridiculous thing to say

MulberryBush12 Sat 01-Oct-16 12:30:10

I don't think she needs to tell her husband either, what good will come of that? The outcome-a divorce-is the same anyway.
It won't take her husband long to work out this other man has been coming to the marital home while DH has been working away. Then it will get very acrimonious.
Ok-people have affairs, marriages break down , it's very sad especially for the children involved; but I think your friend has shown a severe lack of judgement having this other man come to the marital home. Just awful

lcl Sat 01-Oct-16 12:30:57

Incidentally I'm getting in with my life and I'm very happily married for 11 hrs in fact 4 weeks before hers. I'm just concerned she has made a decision to leave her husband for the wrong reasons.

Soozikinzi Sat 01-Oct-16 12:35:46

In a way you agreed with her that the marriage was a mistake from day one .This new relationship she is now in might be her chance of being loved and loving somebody.Maybe she has never even really experienced being properly in love before. I guess as with the rest of us she is getting older and not many chances like that come along.

lcl Sat 01-Oct-16 12:51:54

I think the main thing is she has changed and become a lot more confident physically and mentally. Her husband is exactly as she married him and is still about 3-4 stone overweight. Her other man was that overweight and has lost it and is really into fitness. She is really into her fitness ( with me) and she's realised she doesn't fancy her husband anymore. However I'd understand that if he'd changed physically since they married but she married him as he was then. I understand people change and they can fall out of love with their partner but marriage has its up and downs and I guess I feel she hasn't given it a chance. She's literally told him there's a problem 2 months ago and he's made a effort but because she's involved with this other man and its stepped up in the last 2 months her husband never had the opportunity to change things. It would be so much easier to understand if she'd given it a proper go and admitted her feelings earlier without this new distraction. It's far more exciting to move on to the next better model than trying to improve the relationship you've got.

Emmageddon Sat 01-Oct-16 12:57:33

Support her, don't judge her. Be a friend she can rely on. Help her, and be glad she has met someone special, after being married for 11 years to someone who wasn't right for her.

How do you know the guy she's currently seeing 'smoozed' her? Do you know him?

Is smoozed even a word? Oh, schmooze = to talk in a cosy and intimate manner to someone, typically in order to manipulate them.

popthisoneout Sat 01-Oct-16 12:58:02

I think you are way over involved and it's actually none of your business what she does. She's an adult that can make her yen decisions regarding her relationship.

lcl Sat 01-Oct-16 13:10:23

I did fail to mention her husband moved up to her hometown for her two years ago and then was made redundant but couldn't get a job locally so has to live in a shared house 3 hours away all week. I just feel really bad for him that she is cheating on him despite him trying his best for her and his child providing for them. Surely having sex with this guy is not right in their home ? I'm not on my ' high horse' I'm just having empathy for her husband who would be devasted if he knew this was the real reason she wanted out. I think she's not doing the right thing and I doubt she'd have some rated from him without this other influence. Anyway I will be there for her people assuming I'm not that's why I was asking for others opinions.

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Sat 01-Oct-16 13:12:10

I think you fancy her husband. shock

FunnyTummy Sat 01-Oct-16 13:14:58

Im sorry op, but I agree that you are far too involved. You say that she hasnt given her husband a chance, but it sounds like shes been really unhappy for a long time.

I went through a break up a few years ago, & made a few questionable decisions during that time. My friends were amazing & I never felt judged. They were honest with how they felt about the situation (which was sometimes hard to hear), but I always felt supported.

If you are as close as you say (like sisters I think you said), then imho, I think you need to drop the judgement & be there for your friend

FunnyTummy Sat 01-Oct-16 13:18:10

Sorry, I should also say that sleeping with the new man in their home obviously isn't good, im definitely not condoning that at all.

RealityCheque Sat 01-Oct-16 13:19:09

OP, the only self righteous one here is you with your ridiculous and judgmental pearl clutching. I am most definitely not having an affair - I just don't feel the need to stick my nose where it isn't needed.

Sounds like your friend has moved on from her husband and I guess will soon move on from her 'little miss judgy pants' of a friend.

lcl Sat 01-Oct-16 13:20:12

Ha I definately don't fancy her husband !! I didn't even like him she they met!! I just stuck by her decision then to marry the wrong man. Ok , that all I needed I will support her as I always have done I just don't want to meet / hang out with this new guy until some time has passed and they are properly separated / divorced.

TheLaundryLady Sat 01-Oct-16 13:22:31

If she is your best friend then support her and be there for her don't judge her..
I think we would all agree that affairs are not the best way to end a marriage or deal with marital issues but life isn't black and white.
Your friend has confided in you because she trusts you.
Friends don't always have to agree with each other's decisions but that shouldn't mean you stop being a friend

Gabilan Sat 01-Oct-16 13:42:20

She's literally told him there's a problem 2 months ago and he's made a effort but because she's involved with this other man and its stepped up in the last 2 months her husband never had the opportunity to change things. It would be so much easier to understand if she'd given it a proper go and admitted her feelings earlier without this new distraction

It sounds like it's dead in the water. IMO far better to split now and actually a bit cruel to drag out the inevitable. The new bloke may well just be a distraction but let's face it, if she were in love with her husband but going through a rocky patch, she wouldn't be that easily distracted.

You can offer her advice OP but you can't force her to take it. Then if she does her own thing, you just have to accept it. Of course if friends are repeatedly making such bad decisions they become exhausting, then it's time to give them a bit of distance. You do sound as if you've been a bit interfering. First you don't like her husband and say she shouldn't have married him. She tries for over a decade then wants out and you say she should stick at? No, I think not.

Having an affair is not good and I'm not saying she's acting well - but these are her decisions to make.

lcl Sat 01-Oct-16 13:51:04

Thanks so much for all the comments. Although it might not sound like it I'm pretty liberal and live and let live. I think it's just come as a bit of a shock as I'd hoped they'd come throigh this rough patch after a miscarriage last year. I essentially just want my friend to be happy and I will support her and my goddaughter all the way through this. She's always there for me during hard times and I'm there for her. It will be a secret I'll take to the grave as I think best her husband never knows there was another guy involved.

Emmageddon Sat 01-Oct-16 13:58:31

Her husband will find out for himself that there was another guy involved, when she set up home with the new man. He may feel vindictive towards you for not saying anything to him about it, when you knew all along.

I try never to get involved in other people's relationship, none of us know what the truth really is, only the couple involved. If she suffered a miscarriage recently, then she is probably still grieving for her lost child, so cut her some slack, and be a shoulder for her to lean on.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sat 01-Oct-16 14:04:53

Some of the replies on here shock

Support her

Support her having an affair?

Would you say support him if it was the other way around?

He will find out and she will have to disclose that she is with someone else when it comes to finances anyway.

As for thinking the OP fancies her STBXH just because they don't agree with the affair... what a ridiculous thing to say.

Personally I would take a step back from the friendship.

HuskyLover1 Sat 01-Oct-16 14:15:03

Married women who are truly in love with their DH, do not start sleeping with other men. She has fallen out of love with her DH, so there really is no point in her sticking at it, for any longer. Yeh, ok, it's not ideal that she's already seeing someone else, but it is what it is, he came along at a time when her marriage was rocky, and things developed. All you can do now, is to support her as she plans her exit. It's very easy to judge someone's behaviour, when you haven't been in that situation yourself. Don't write off her new man, as that could really impact your relationship. For all you know, they could go on to marry and be together forever. About 15 years ago, my good friends DH cheated on her. He had been unhappy in their marriage and met a woman at work who he knew was "the one". They had an affair and it was a very messy break up. Her ExH is STILL with this woman, they have 2 kids and they are one of the happiest couples I know. Although it was hard, I had to accept this new woman in to my life or lose he friendship with her H (also my close friend). Things can be messy, but sometimes it's just the way things pan out.

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