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How can I help him?

(14 Posts)
SecretAriel Sat 01-Oct-16 09:06:44

Deliberately posting this a few hours after event as I can be pretty emotional and unobjective if that is even a word. Dh has always had issues with alcohol. He doesnt seem to know when to stop drinking once he starts. After a few drinks he can be the life and soul of a party but a few more and he can be a horrible person. When he is like this I avoid him if possible and so we manage to avoid confrontation. The 6 days a week he is not drinking he is an attentive loving husband and father. We have a good life. However he has recently been having problems with anger even when sober. He reacts out of proportion to the smallest of criticism or perceived slight. Most of this is directed at me. Last night he went to shop n forgot 1 thing. I didn't make a big deal of it but in the argument that followed he held the point of the scissors to his throat. His rage seems to deflate and he says we should just forget about and move on. But I am not sure I can now. I love him loads but his rage and the nasty personal things he says during arguments are wearing me down. He is on citalopram for a bad depressive episode 5 years ago. In between his grumpy angry bouts he is his usual lovely self. I just think something must be wrong but he minimises it and won't talk about the problems he seems to be having. How can I help him see there is a problem.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 01-Oct-16 09:34:53

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours are being met here?.

Are you really confusing your professed love for him with actual codependency?

Why are you together at all now, you are basically his emotional punchbag for all his inherent ills. He won't ever see there is a problem, this is probably as well deeply ingrained within his own psyche and you as his wife are ill equipped to try and help him. He is now abusing you and in turn your children who see all of this as well.

I mean this most kindly you cannot help him and he does not want your help. You're just enabling him and you're too close and too involved to be of any real help to him.

Do you think he is an alcoholic; he certainly seems to be self medicating his problems and you have certainly modified your own behaviours so as to try to not set him off. This is bad, very bad. This is no life for you or any children you have.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 01-Oct-16 09:47:06

You can't help him, he has to want to help himself and take active steps towards that help

I'd think about him moving out for a while, you can't continue living in this environment

Iamdobby63 Sat 01-Oct-16 10:32:09

Side note: can you drink on citalopram? I know some you can't and if you do it can really effect mood, anxiety, depression, paranoia etc.

If there was no big deal made about the forgotten item how did a row ensue?

I do agree that only he can help himself, but perhaps you need to tell him the effect this is having on you and then see what he is prepared to do to resolve it. Pick your moment though.

SecretAriel Sat 01-Oct-16 11:21:43

Iamdobby63 the fight blew up when I asked casually did you get item (was nothing essential or exciting was just a bottle of soy sauce). He seems to take any comment as criticism.

I really don't want to leave. I understand Attila that I have altered my behaviour to avoid situations but felt our marriage is worth it. I do love him and things can be great with a great partnership. I think you all may be right about him helping himself. It really is a difficult way to live just now and was hoping for a magic solution on here to save things. Reading your comments is difficult as its not what I want to hear IYSWIM? I cannot imagine my future without him in it. I wish he could see what he is doing our relationship!

Iamdobby63 Sat 01-Oct-16 12:51:55

Ok, I think you need to talk to him how his behaviour at times makes you feel. But do keep repeating all his positives of how lovely he is when he is not angry. Encourage him to go back to the doctors, maybe his meds need a review and do find out if it's safe for him to drink on those antidepressants.

If he is drinking to drown out depression there is only one way that will go.

Iamdobby63 Sat 01-Oct-16 12:55:47

PS. That was a very extreme and alarming reaction to the argument, has he ever done anything like that before? Are you sure he didn't call into the pub or that he is not drinking in secret?

imother Sat 01-Oct-16 13:06:33

I'd be very wary of talking to him about it, given the scissors incident. Sounds like that was the first step to the scissors pointing the other way.

I think I'd have a chat with his GP first. Might his ADs need sorting if they were prescribed 5 years ago?

pocketsaviour Sat 01-Oct-16 13:24:55

I also suspect that his drinking may have increased and he might well be drinking secretly.

It is almost better if that's the case, because for a stone cold sober person to hold a pair of scissors to their throat over a bottle of forgotten soy souce is extremely alarming.

Do you have DC together? They will be already observing you placating him and learning to walk on eggshells themselves sad

SecretAriel Sun 02-Oct-16 23:16:37

Sorry for late reply. We have 2dc 6 and 2. I know his drinking hasn't increased as he gets regular random drug and alcohol testing through work. He does have a drink problem though in that he thinks his day off should mean he can drink as he works hard and deserves it and occasionally drinks to the stage of peeing on carpet or in cupboards instead of the lav. I think gp is a good place to start. I don't want to give up on our relationship as when he is not like this he is funny and affectionate and makes me feel confident in my own skin. Our dc adore him. We have had a nice day together today but I feel like I am waiting for it all to go off again. I try and avoid situations escalating infront of kids but I know despite my best efforts they do sense atmospheres etc. But if I leave it would break their hearts, not seeing him everyday. In an ideal world I would wave a magic wand and he would be less angry and we could move on together. Sorry if I went on a bit using this as a bit of a sounding board for my thoughts.

PoldarksBreeches Sun 02-Oct-16 23:22:29

He gets wasted and abusive to you once a week? And you think that's worthy putting up with? You need to reconsider your priorities here.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 03-Oct-16 06:18:13

Plus you're walking on eggshells waiting for the next time - that's not a healthy environment for you or your kids, and what is it teaching them about what's normal in a relationship?

minmooch Mon 03-Oct-16 07:21:24

He held a pair of scissors to his throat? That is appalling. He seriously needs help (that he has to want and seek for himself) and you need to get out to protect yourself and your children. Do not minimise this act. This was deliberately done to frighten you and to know what he is capable of.

Unless he seeks help for himself this will only get worse. You are already altering your behaviour to protect the kids. What happens when you are not there?

This is not a healthy relationship and is on the verge of being a dv situation.

Please get out of this relationship.

Penfold007 Mon 03-Oct-16 07:28:03

Time to protect your children from this man. He may not physically hurt them but they witness the temper and drinking, they will be modifying their behaviour you just haven't noticed. He isn't a living and caring partner, the only person who can help him is him, at the moment he doesn't want to.

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