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I can't understand

(16 Posts)
user1475230266 Fri 30-Sep-16 11:15:43

My husband makes me terribly insecure and I can't decide wether he realises he's doing it or takes pleasure in it? Around a year ago he had messaged another women, he's also had a porn problem and a secrecy problem. He often uses a private browser and deletes history, this makes me feel worse. Am I being taken for a mug?

ElspethFlashman Fri 30-Sep-16 11:17:36

Yes. You know it.

ImperialBlether Fri 30-Sep-16 11:18:10

Yes, I'm afraid you are.

Do you have children together?

Cabrinha Fri 30-Sep-16 11:25:03

He doesn't have a porn problem or a secrecy problem.
He's quite happy with it.
It's you that rightly has the problem with it.
Yes, he's taking you for a mug.
Why do you allow him to delete his history? It should have been a condition of your giving him another chance after he messaged another woman that he didn't delete.
Although tbf he'd just find other ways to cover his tracks.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 30-Sep-16 11:38:38

Yes you are being taken for a mug.

Why are you still together, what are you getting out of this relationship now?

user1475230266 Fri 30-Sep-16 12:20:50

Yes we have a toddler, I do not 'allow' him to delete history he does it of his own accord. We have spoken about it so many times, he denies it. I realised when I was out at work and came home he left his phone while in shower and a private web browser was up and all the history was deleted in the normal browser. He denies this but I saw it?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 30-Sep-16 12:23:21

OK... so what happens now?
What are your boundaries?
He's crossed them before and you've forgiven him.
He will keep crossing them while you continue to let him get away with it.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 30-Sep-16 12:24:04

Are you basically staying then because of the child?. That is really no good reason to stay at all. You stay for your own reasons, you cannot use the child as glue to bind you and he together.

seminakedinsomebodyelsesroom Fri 30-Sep-16 13:13:30

I feel for you op. My DH has secrecy issues. I really don't think he's ever involved other women but he has a 'secret' browser and does other things behind my back (smoking being the main one). It's hurtful.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 30-Sep-16 13:33:07

Yes you are being taken for a mug.

More specifically you are letting him do it. What you going to do about that?

user1475230266 Fri 30-Sep-16 14:39:49

I don't know what to do I feel like I'm being forced to stay as I have no childcare & work long hours in a good job I love, also our little one is ill & receives hospital treatment and I fear of making the situation worse sad I can't understand why he's doing this to me? Is it because he has his own issues & wants to turn them into me? He refuses sex but I find dirty clothes in our bed top of washing pile etc, why can't he be more discreet? He knows that this hurts me? What am I doing wrong here?

adora1 Fri 30-Sep-16 14:42:43

Just cos he's a cheating sneak getting up to god knows what and yes of course he knows you don't like it, doesn't mean you have to associate yourself with him, you can actually get rid, he sounds awful.

adora1 Fri 30-Sep-16 14:44:39

You go to CAB and get advice, you lean on your family for help and you get the hell away. Who cares why he does it, is it not bad enough he does, you will never work it out, some people are just like this - he probably knows you will put up too so don't!

user1475230266 Fri 30-Sep-16 14:45:09

He's never actually cheated, I just can't understand why he wants to make me feel like an insecure mess, to make himself feel better? To grind me down?

Humblebee1 Fri 30-Sep-16 14:55:54

I really feel your pain Op. This is awful, I know. I think these people that do this have some sense of entitlement to behave like this. I don't know if its to do with boundaries. Mine knew the boundaries, I made my feelings clear and he still crossed them. Good luck.

adora1 Fri 30-Sep-16 15:06:16

Well in my book what he is doing online could constitute cheating, esp if he is chatting up other women and hides stuff and is secretive, it's pretty obvious he's up to no good OP.

He does it because he wants to and has no regard for your feelings.

Terrible, not right but you don't have to stay and suffer it.

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