DP has depression

[TwllBach]

And I don't know what to do.

We've been together for two years and have a 4.5 month old DS.

Three weeks ago DP had a breakdown in tesco, crying (he's not a crier) and really struggled ever since. He's seen multiple counsellors and his GP. He can't sleep and has anxiety now. He cries at the drop of a hat. I was doing my best to support him and he swears blind he loves me and wants our little family.

He sent me and DS away three nights ago claiming he needed space.

Background - he's been on antidepressants for 12 years - paroxetine. Six weeks before his breakdown he stopped taking them. He has been cutting down for the last year because he wanted to come off them but knew it would be difficult. He is now on 40mg of paroxetine but we have been told it could take up to six weeks for it to kick back in.

He went to a counsellor on Wednesday after telling us to go on Tuesday and we met him back at the house and he said he wanted more space. So I cooked tea for him and his parents and then left with DS.

We met again yesterday and he says he loves us and wants us but still needs space.

Hes staying at his mums.

I don't know what to do. Our son isn't sleeping in this new house, I'm sick with worry about DP. I don't know whether I should be letting him push us away or refusing to do so and returning home. His mum says, and so does DP and I, that he doesn't know whether he's coming or going or what he wants for breakfast. She says he's latched onto me and the baby being the problem when we aren't and we are bearing the brunt of it.

I just want to take my son back to his home. I want my family back.

What do I do? I feel sick. I feel lost.

[TwllBach]

Bump for help

[TwllBach]

Please?

[TheSilveryPussycat]

You and DS are not in your home? And your DP is at his mum's?

[olives106]

Can you take him at his word and stay away for a little while while the paroxetine has time to work? Stay in touch and review the decision every few days?

I'm so sorry, this must be so hard for you. Whatever happens, you and the baby are not "the problem". A 4 month old baby can't be blamed for anything, and a new mother needs unconditional support not blame.

Take care of yourself and your baby and let him and his parents sort him out for a while - does thinking about that help at all?

[Happybunny19]

Bless you Hun, I know it's so hard. My oh had a complete breakdown at the beginning of our relationship, about 3 years in, and it was the hardest thing I've ever known. I would say let him stay with his parents at the moment, you won't loose him, he needs you more than ever. We didn't have dcs then and it must be so hard on you too. I know I ended up with panic attacks and on antidepressants myself, so please ensure you look after yourself for your baby's sake at least.

With support and the right medication he will get better, but it's going to take time. I think it took at least a year for my DP to recover. That was 19 years ago now and thankfully the problem has never reoccurred, as he now knows how to control his stress and is aware of the signs of anything happening again. I often think if we could survive that we can get through anything but it takes time for you to trust that it won't happen again and I was scared for a long time.

Do you have support from family and friends during this? Congratulations on your baby btw, I have a DD the same age and can't imagine what it's like to deal with new baby and everything else, you must be exhausted. It may be of benefit for you to see your GP too. I'm here if you need to talk x

[onanotherday]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. But his mental health is his responsibiliy...I no that sounds harsh. But you need to be strong for you and dc.
I went through similar...but turned myself inside out and focused on all sbxh needs. He needed space etc.... ow appeared with more sympathy...you can guess the rest. I'm not suggesting this is the case for you. But if I could offer one piece of advice...put yourself first.

[Justaboy]

TwllBach I know what your going through as i lived with my first wife who had manic depression and its simply bloody hard on the person suffering and the people around them.

Please be strong for him, and the nipper they will need you.

And yourself, It does seem that he was stable before under drug treatment and i would expect him to become more stable as that goes on some anti depressants do take time to work and some too have unwanted side effects.

There is a bright side to this cloud in that he is actively seeking treatment and he has you to support him which if i were him I'd be very thankful for you being there even if i couldn't convey those thoughts.:-)

As the other poster has said you and the babe aren't the problem even if he swears that your are! If his mum can take him in for a while and that's what he wants, look upon that as some help whilst he stabilises and make sure that he complies with the doc's orders some people with MH problems aren't that compliant.

Please keep posting for support:-)

[TwllBach]

Thank you so much for posting, I just feel so sick about everything. I just want to take my little boy back to his home, we are living out of boxes at the moment. I've asked DPs mum what she thinks is best and she doesn't know either, everyone is so out of their depth. She says he cried and says he loves us and wants to be a little family again. I'm supposed to be going there for dinner tonight.

It's just awful. I've not eaten for 24 hours and neither me or the baby are sleeping. I want to be there for DP I just don't know what's best.

[Justaboy]

TwllBach There may not be a best there's more likely to be a "least worse" well at least for a while yet. Course you want the family back but for the moment your going to have to be strong and bear up to it. And don't stop eating and neglect yourself got that?

now just go and have a decent cuppa and a few slices of toast even or whatever comes to hand!. OK!

And tell your mum that I said its not going to be easy for her either mental illnesses aren't easy to cope with or understand but just go and eat something please! Will you?

[TwllBach]

I've met a friend for a quick coffee so I will have something here.

Least worst sounds like a better way of looking at it. But does that mean it's ok to override DP and tKe the baby home? He's not going to be there he's at his mums...

[SandyY2K]

I thought he's at his mum's. So why aren't you in the family house?

Give him space and focus on your baby for now.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

That's what I couldn't fathom, sandy. It sounds like the DP asked the OP to go, then also went himself?

[TwllBach]

Yes he asked us to go but then he couldn't face being on his own in the house so left

[PinkyOrTank]

Oh I'm so sorry for what you're going through :(

My DH suffers, and is generally stable whilst on medication, but every now and then he wobbles. When I was 3m pregnant with DD, he had a massive relapse (like yours, relating to having stopped meds). Hardly any of our friends knew he suffered until this point, and his mother was useless, so I felt very alone!

All I can advise is, be open with friends/family; it's nothing to be ashamed of, and you need their support. Can you go with him to the Drs? I found this helpful, as I could understand better, plus give a different perspective to the Dr, which in turn helped.

Stay strong, I'm sure it will get better. Your DP is acting responsibly - back on meds, seeking professional help; all you can do is be there for him (and give him space if that's what he needs right now).

[Stormtreader]

If hes not in the house then theres absolutely no point in having it empty when youre living out of boxes!

[WindPowerRanger]

Go home.

He needs clarity about his meds urgently. The reality for some people is that no meds= relapse into depression, so the drugs will be a life-long thing. Your husband needs to discuss this prospect with his doctors.

Don't move out again: you can't be camping here and there with a baby. If your DP needs space he will have to find it elsewhere.

Just try and keep talking to each other, be open and see how things pan out. It won't be a quick process, unfortunately, but your DH is likely to recover in time.

[TwllBach]

I think it's important to point out that it is DPs house, he bought it. I moved in rent free six months ago.

His mother goes with him to his doctors appointments now, I didn't want to go initially because I thought he would feel uncomfortable opening up about me to them, but I wish I had gone now because I feel a bit pushed out by her...

I'm going to gently suggest that I go back to the house tonight I think.

[SandyY2K]

I see about the house situation now.

Did he know if you had anywhere to go before he sent you away? It must be very hard on the move with a baby that young.

If you keep getting told to go away, maybe you need to find a semi permanent place to stay.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

and DS moved in 4.5 months ago.

I used to be depressed, I'm afraid it made me angry - at the situation, at being depressed again. Just wondering why you think he might not wish you to move back in again, while he is at his mum's.

[Justaboy]

Unless i have this a tad confused if its his child then what's wrong with staying in his house then?. He can stay at his mums till he gets better then hopefully he can then come and stay with you.

Oner thing re mental illnesses, don't expect anything to happen or improve "just like that" its sometimes a rather long winded drawn out thing.

By all means go to his doctors apps unless he says he doesn't what you there and DO NOT be offended if he says that, some of what he says might be painful and not him as you normally know him. Patience will be a helluva a virtue right now and as to his mum I expect shes in much the same boat try to see if you can get on with her if you can.

And do try your damnedest to look after yourself by eating and sleeping as best you can, OK easier said than done but you must try.

[TwllBach]

This is where it gets a bit complicated so bear with me. We were only together a very short time before I fell pregnant and as a result I had six months left on a tenancy agreement which is coming to an end st the end of the year. I do have somewhere to go for the time being luckily, although I've been slowly selling off a lot of my furniture as I won't need it here and all DS's furniture is at home.
I've spent the afternoon with DP and his parents and DS at MILs place and it was nice. I made an effort not to seem miserable... Me and DS are back at home although DP has stayed at his parents.

How common is it for people suffering depression to write/say things that aren't necessarily true? Like 'I'm not sure I want to carry on with my job' when they love their job and always have done? And questioning their relationships?

[TheSilveryPussycat]

IME it is possible for someone with depression to think that things are bad because they are bad, when the reality is that things look bad because of the depression. Also, there can be a tendency to look for a reason, and find one (eg job, relationship), when there really isn't an underlying one. (Although in some cases, of course, depression can be a reaction to some real external factor.)

It takes time to go through and come out of depression, partly because meds can take a while to fully kick in, and partly, I think, because it is a kind of process. This is one reason why I needed space (and sleep) when I was depressed. Walking or other exercise usually helps the process too.

It's early days. Hold strong. Look after yourself and DS. Post here. There are also many kind and helpful people on the Mental Health board if you want to take a look.

[Justaboy]

Silver cat has put that better than what i can, so whatever she says!

It seems to me you've calmed down a bit since it is a bloody shock this illness when it happens but I have no doubts you'll manage it all:-)

But think of yourself and the nipper and try to eat and sleep well! Got that;!

[CocktailQueen]

If he's been on antidepressants for 12 years then he's been depressed for a long time. That isn't going to change quickly - if at all.

You should move back in to the family home.

Review things every few days.

Good luck...

[TwllBach]

DS has slept through from 9 and is still going strong which is a complete turnaround from the last couple of days which makes me think this is the right thing to do. It's me that is awake now with thoughts running through my mind. I'm terrified he's going to kick us out because he had a good day yesterday and will believe that it's because we weren't around.

I feel sick and shaky and can't turn my brain off which is quite funny when you think about it, because that's exactly the symptoms that he had. I'm also scared because if he does kick us out I've got friends but no family up here. His family have become mine and I will lose that all.