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Please tell me about your 10+ year relationship

(4 Posts)
Hoppityfuckingvoosh Thu 29-Sep-16 18:45:44

Last posts detailed the crap nature of my marriage.

To cut a long story short, DH has been detaching himself from me for years. DS is 3 and since his birth there has been next to no intimacy: no sex, hand-holding, hugs, meaningful chat etc. it's perfectly cordial-we get on great-but it's very lonely.
We've talked repeatedly and he's promised (we both have) to make more of an effort. I do, he doesn't, then I stop trying because I feel miserable and rejected.
It's all come to a head and he's basically told me he's not sure he loves me anymore. None else on the scene, that much I'm sure of. He just feels like we've drifted and he doesn't have the energy to try. He's openly stated that if it wasn't for DS we wouldn't be together.
We've started counselling. I want it to work. I think there's love still there and I don't want to disrupt DS unless absolutely necessary. It's not a pleasant experience.
We're tired, busy and it's was very much survival mode for the first 18 months of DS's life. I think that after so long we've just got very lazy.

So I'm wondering how many folks have experienced this, and how many of you resolved the issues or split?

Will we get back on track? Obviously it's dependent on the people involved, but is what we're experiencing a common thing?

Half the time I'm telling myself that we're done, the other half I'm thinking that I'm not ready to give up on this. We get on well, functional as a family unit well...am I expecting too much?

smilingeyes11 Thu 29-Sep-16 22:40:20

I don't think it can work - he clearly doesn't want it to. Don't lower yourself to him staying with you for the sake of DC. And I am very sorry but you can not be sure there is not an OW. He sounds awful and you deserve better. Showing your child that this is how a relationship is meant to be is not a great example. You are giving them a blueprint for their own future. Surely they deserve better than this too?

Myusernameismyusername Thu 29-Sep-16 22:42:58

I'm not sure he sounds awful I mean he has been honest and he is willingly to go to counselling.
I think only time will tell. Counselling will bring out issues that you will know you can or cannot work past. I think you should set yourself a time limit on seeing changes and if by the certain date nothing has changed then it might be time to call it a day.
Don't give up all hope yet x

WombOfOnesOwn Thu 29-Sep-16 23:30:49

I agree with the first commenter that you never know when there's an OW, and he's ticking off ALL the other boxes. Do you know one of the most common times for a man to begin an affair is while his wife is pregnant? You have no idea if there's a woman out there who's been being told "my wife won't have sex with me since she got pregnant, she's so cold, we haven't been intimate in years."

All of what you're talking about -- the staying cordial but being otherwise distant -- is, to a tee, what men in long-term affairs act like around their wives. What makes you so certain? If you have specific reasons -- i.e. you both work from home and are with each other every minute of every day, or you've already tracked his phone or keylogged him and found no suspicious activity -- then fine, but if it's just "I'm sure he'd act different than this," don't be so sure.

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