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Smothering DH

(29 Posts)
salsiverdi Thu 29-Sep-16 14:55:32

I've always thought that my DH is attentive and caring, however I've come to see him as quite smothering and frustrating of late; it's beginning to really bother me.
He follows me around. Around the house, watches what I'm doing all of the time and picks out better ways of doing it ( although the latter not so much just lately.) Every room I walk into, he follows me into it.
If I have an opinion or a suggestion, he's constantly picking apart the reasons it won't work or standing in my way and challenging me, rather than just accepting me for me.
If I'm on the phone in a quiet room, he'll come in and stand right next to me and listen in on the conversation, sometimes chirping in.
If I'm getting myself ready for work in the mornings he'll suddenly decide it's a good time for a cuddle or to stand right next to me in the mirror.
Then yesterday, I was doing some work from home, I went to the toilet, came back and found him snooping through my work papers. I asked him what he was doing and he said, he was just curious as to what I was doing at work. Why?!
I've spoken to him about this before and he's aware he's doing it only when I bring it up. His mother was also very snoopy as he was growing up and didn't give him much space, even as a grown man, she still sees him as an extension of herself.
I'm finding it very intense, very smothering. Sometimes, I want to run a mile.
Hes happy for me to have a social life etc, isn't possessive of me, but will ask very detailed questions about what I'm doing, where, who with etc. I'm not used to this as my own upbringin was pretty laid back in this sense (maybe too much so.)
Any support or ideas appreciated.

ElspethFlashman Thu 29-Sep-16 14:58:41

So you're the sheep and he's the sheepdog?

How do you react?

salsiverdi Thu 29-Sep-16 15:14:24

I usually get angry with him and demand for space. He's better for a couple of days then goes back to habitually following me around and challenging all I say again. Hope I'm not a sheep :-/

hellsbellsmelons Thu 29-Sep-16 15:17:16

Seriously, this won't stop or go away.
You will like live this for the rest of your days with him.
Actually, it's likely to escalate.
And if you have kids he'll be the same with them.
I could not deal with this.
I'd be telling him to fuck off every 5 seconds.
It's controlling and horrible and he knows it.

TheNaze73 Thu 29-Sep-16 15:24:57

He sounds bloody annoying

Gymnopedies Thu 29-Sep-16 15:35:39

I don't want to be claiming narcissist everywhere, but looking at others as an extension of oneself (without boundaries) and not listening or showing empathies are signs of it. I suggest you read up on narcissism and see if you see other things that ring a bell.
My DH used to do that and also offer me food repeatedly, serve me food (for example if I was eating my main, he would badger me about having pudding). His mum has narcissistic personality disorder and that's what his dad does to keep her happy (badgering, pandering, constant attention). His mum is tge one with no boundaries/controlling. DH just thought that was normal.

Vagabond Thu 29-Sep-16 16:08:36

How annoying! Why don't you sit him down and tell him that it's turning you off him.
Did he do this while you were dating?
I find it cloying and creepy. Talk to him!

SandyY2K Thu 29-Sep-16 16:11:12

You sound exactly like my Dsis. She said her DH followed her to the toilet the other day. She was feeling suffocated with it all.

He followed her upstairs and downstairs in every room. He followed her on the school run and she was trying not to get angry and blow her top.

He also tends to phone her when she's out with friends. Which is quite annoying. She's began to shut him right down and would just stay silent on the phone, then he got the message and got sulky.

The standing next to you on the phone is also irritating. My DH would mouth 'who is it' if he hadn't deduced who I was speaking to. Exceedingly annoying. When I left the room, he would get suspicious.

Get a lockable case or cabinet for your work documents.

I suspect your husband is insecure, which is what I tell my Dsis.

He works away and rather than tell her when he's due back, he sneaks in the house at 6am. God knows if he's expecting to find her in bed with someone or what.

SandyY2K Thu 29-Sep-16 16:29:55

As soon as your DH reverts, pull him up straight away. Just say ... you're doing it again. I feel smothered by you.

Groundhogday2016 Thu 29-Sep-16 16:31:04

I was with a man like this and I hated it. He used to follow me and hang around even if I was getting dressed and he would also do the mirror thing you describe. I had no privacy whatsoever.

I think it's a sign of neediness. This guy had no friends and a family who weren't interested in him. He worked shifts so if he had a day off he would hang around all day waiting for me to finish work. He would have done nothing, and I mean nothing, all day, literally sitting on his sofa waiting and sending feel sorry for me texts.

In time he became controlling and possessive and on the rare occasion I went out he would stay in the bedroom while I got ready, then drop me off and pick me up and make me feel guilty that he was stuck on his own.

I started a thread on here about it when I wanted to end it and he got nasty.

You say your husband is attentive and caring. I thought this at first but it was stifling. He used to bring me stuff i had mentioned in passing but really it was a way of calling in and checking up on me without notice. He called in once unexpectedly to use the toilet. He lived 30 miles away confused.

Does your h have a life of his own? As you are married you have obviously been putting up with this for some time. I couldn't live like it but if you want to stay with him I think you have to be very clear and direct about what you want ie privacy to get ready for half an hour in the morning or whatever.

skyyequake Thu 29-Sep-16 16:35:28

hellsbells took the words right out of my mouth


I too thought it was quite flattering at first, then annoying. It got scary pretty damn fast after that.

Luvjubs Thu 29-Sep-16 17:25:23

This man could be my father. Get out now before you have children, or they will grow up to be messed up too (trust me on that)

salsiverdi Sat 01-Oct-16 20:59:06

He's certainly not possessive, he's quite happy for me to go out with friends etc and he has tons of his own hobbies (which helps!) It's just that when it's just the two of us or we're in the house, he follows me everywhere... even to the toilet. I can't have a shower in peace much of the time.

We have DCS already, so leaving him before children isn't an option! He can be a little letchy with them at times and my daughter will push him out of her personal space sometimes (he doesn't seem to understand how far away to stand from us etc).

I wish I was more assertive with him, I often don't realise I'm doing it but will completely avoid eye contact with him when he's behaving this way. I feel myself tensing up and turn away from him or ignore him but he doesn't get the message until I spit it out.

Cherrysoup Sat 01-Oct-16 21:10:23

Letchy with your dd?! Fucking hell, unless he's on the autistic spectrum where social mores really aren't known, then I'd be having SERIOUS words re spatial awareness and snooping, plus massive words re behaviour towards his own DD. Jesus.

salsiverdi Sat 01-Oct-16 21:12:36

Also difficult when all our family/friends love him and comment constantly on what a good guy he is, a 'family man.' Just makes me feel mean for getting so irritated by him when people speak and think so warmly of him. I'm sure in the eyes of some 'friends' I'm not good enough for him, they have indicated to some respect. Im sure if I confided in them, they'd tell me how lucky I am to have someone so loving and 'attentive.'

Mikkalina Sat 01-Oct-16 21:54:39

I think he follows after you into the bathroom because this is what he is doing with his mum. In fact he behaves like a child following his "mum" everywhere. Many children if not most do it at some point when they are little. But you are not his mum of course. I think you need to talk to him and set the boundaries.

Lorelei76 Sat 01-Oct-16 22:44:00

OP did you mean "letchy" with the children? I wonder if you meant to say "leechy"?!

salsiverdi Sun 02-Oct-16 19:01:06

Letchy is the completely wrong word to use! Letchy with me, needy with the children. Constantly asking them for cuddles and kisses etc. Very sweet but a bit much too. I think I will talk to him this week. I find I become very short and snappy with him when he's done it too much and become nasty about other things which don't bother me quite so much! He followed me to the fridge today to watch me look for a snack. I think it's bothering me so much now, its actually affecting my health. Constant headaches, muscle ached etc. He makes me feel tense.
it's not sexy at all, I want a man I can admire, learn from and look up to for support and advice, not a puppy who follows me around the house waiting for his next instruction.

TemporarilyLost Sun 02-Oct-16 19:25:07

Run, please!
Don't get to the point when I locked bathroom door makes him suspicious seriously

Believeitornot Sun 02-Oct-16 19:58:04

This man doesn't sound like he has a clue about social boundaries.

I feel sorry for your DCs.

You need to explain to him that it is not normal. Does he think this is normal?!

Superstar90 Sun 02-Oct-16 20:03:25

You need to install a few locks on doors and use them!

This is v odd behaviour

Install 'seperate hour' or time with him where you agree you'll both be alone and do your own thing in house without bothering the other.

Superstar90 Sun 02-Oct-16 20:06:51

Although I have to say I think your behaviour a bit odd too - don't think there is a set distance to stand away from a DP or DC - think as close as possible or touching is usually the norm.

Do you have some reason in your past or family to fear neediness or closeness?

labranoodle11 Sun 02-Oct-16 20:10:00

I like the idea of "seperate hour." I have to remind him a lot to leave me alone during certain activities, like cooking for example. I like my space when cooking. He talks a lot aswell and wants to constantly tell me about different things, I find it exhausting. My children don't waffle on half as much as he does! Yet with friends and family he's as quite as a mouse. People don't believe me when I tell them he follows me around the house yapping on all of the time!

QuiteLikely5 Sun 02-Oct-16 20:17:54

I'm thinking that he's had a hard time here. I wonder if something else is at play rather than him being labelled as a narc!

Perhaps this a learned behaviour and he needs therapy? If he is otherwise a good man but rather nosey try to address it before you give him the boot.

PassiveAgressiveQueen Sun 02-Oct-16 20:18:59

My husband is quite like this i have instigated "baths" which means fuck off and leave me in peace. I am in one now.

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