Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My Xp has a secret child..what to do

(33 Posts)
secretsiblings Thu 29-Sep-16 13:05:47

Sorry another namechanger since this could make me very identifiable.

So I have 2 Dc with my XP age 7 and 5 and he has an elder DD from a previous relationship. It seems that there also two more children... One which I have no contact with and no real way of initiating this and about whom I know very little who predates our relationship.

The other however is a recent baby from it seems a fairly horrific relationship about a year and a half ago. And the mother got hold of my contact details and has been emailing me occasionally with the odd question - family medical history and so forth. XP is refusing all contact with her.

I suspect this is because he's now shacked up with a very nice lady and her son. Presumably doing his best to hide it all from her although who knows what she knows.

Anyway so my question is what to do here for my children? Do I tell them they have another brother and if so when! I suspect they're a bit young to process this. Their elder sister know I think as do a few friends since they met the ex girlfriend while pregnant.

It's all stupid drama and exactly why I left. Complicated by the fact that he is very controlling and flies into rages / does ridiculous things to revenge himself.

ferriswheel Thu 29-Sep-16 13:14:17

I am in a similar saga. I think you should tell them. Maybe???

secretsiblings Thu 29-Sep-16 13:15:21

Which means I'm a bit scared of rocking the boat. Also because kids are loving the new set up and their new step brother who seems great.

secretsiblings Thu 29-Sep-16 13:16:44

I just wonder if they're just too young to be able to explain. But when would be the right age? Can imagine that as they get older it could have a bigger effect.

RealityCheque Thu 29-Sep-16 13:45:24

Unless I'm mistaken, this isn't YOUR child? So why do you feel the need to do anything?

It's really not your business.

RealityCheque Thu 29-Sep-16 13:46:35

Oh, and don't get involved with this other woman.

You have no way of knowing if it is even his child ffs.

secretsiblings Thu 29-Sep-16 13:51:57

Reality I know it's his. This is not a question, been confirmed from various directions so no FFS needed.

The question I have is about my children and whether they should know about this extra half sibling or not. Will it be a problem for them later if I know about it and didn't tell them etc?

secretsiblings Thu 29-Sep-16 13:54:24

And by the way I didn't seek out this knowledge - first a good friend who visited us both from abroad and met the ex girlfriend told me about it, then I was contacted by the ex girlfriend etc.

magoria Thu 29-Sep-16 13:58:01

I think it is easier if you tell them that there is a half sibling they won't see in age appropriate terms as they grow up knowing. Rather than being hit with it at a later date when they may have harder to answer questions.

MinnieF1 Thu 29-Sep-16 13:58:44

Ignore Reality, of course it's your business Secret as it involves your children and their emotions.

Does your ex know that you know about the new baby?

Personally I would tell your children and do it with your ex if you think he will be calm about it. If you don't tell them now, when will you tell them? There will never be an ideal time, but the longer you leave it the more it may confuse them.

I went to school with somebody who found out she had an older sibling when she was 16. It caused her a lot of upset and she was angry at both of her parents for lying to her for so long. Not sure if their relationship ever recovered from it.

secretsiblings Thu 29-Sep-16 14:07:41

No way of doing it with my ex Minnie - am afraid he's trying to bury this, which is also another consideration because if I tell him and it gets back to him... Well can expect all kinds of kick off, another reason I'm feeling conflicted,

twofalls Thu 29-Sep-16 14:08:04

Reality, why is this not the op's business? There are siblings involved here.

Lunar1 Thu 29-Sep-16 14:08:28

I would explain to them that there may be half siblings that they don't know. I'm guessing there will be more than enough step/half siblings come and go from their dad before they grow up. I'd be very wary about encouraging relationships with any of them as they could get really hurt.

I feel for you as this will be so hard to manage in an age appropriate way and without saying, hay kids your dads basically a twat!

pocketsaviour Thu 29-Sep-16 14:09:40

I agree that if you leave it until they're older, they may feel quite betrayed.

Does your ex know that you know? What do you think his reaction might be?

Would you envisage your DC meeting their little sibling - I'm wondering if the mum actually contacted you with that in the back of her mind?

twofalls Thu 29-Sep-16 14:10:17

I agree with lunar. Better to have always known about it rather than find out at a later stage when they may not be so accepting.

Reality Thu 29-Sep-16 14:10:33

RealityCheque is not me. I do wish she'd stop posting contentious stuff under 'my' name.

secretsiblings Thu 29-Sep-16 14:14:41

Pocket - he knows I know because I brought it up with him along the lines of how can I support them when new baby is born - his words were that they won't have another sibling. IE he's set on ignoring this as far as possible.

My instinct is to keep the ex girlfriend at arm's length but stay in touch. Probably avoid meetings for the time being. She is deeply hurt and am a bit afraid of whether she'd transfer any of that.

Am thinking I could perhaps hint to them that there's more out there - but you know how it is, kids get very specific about how many siblings they have!

Pretenditsaplan Thu 29-Sep-16 14:17:21

I've been in this situation although slightly different. Child one (no contact) he later found out wasn't his and she'd miscounted. From the outset he'd just accepted the kid was his. Child 2 mum kept inboxing me on fb (as well as every other female on his page- he had to start a new fb) "what kind of man is he? How do you know him? I'm his girlfriend now so back off. I don't know why he won't talk to me. We're made for each other. Etc etc etc" once she realised I was the mother of his son she began stalking me as shed been doing to him (they dated for 2 weeks months before). She gave birth and kept trying to get me to meet up with her so the 'brothers' could meet. In the end the child was taken for adoption. At this point we found out it was her 3rd to be forcibly taken from her. A dna test was taken and again he wasn't my ex's at this point shed made our lives hell for over 2 years. I know it's not the same but I would urge dna tests. No matter who says it's definatly his unless there's real hard proof don't put your kidsearch through that. Getting to know a kid as their sibling and then one day finding out actually nope nothing to do with them

secretsiblings Thu 29-Sep-16 14:24:16

Pretend - I know what you mean but I don't think there's any doubt really, they were together for a good period. I know he thinks it's his, and also that she's planning to sue for child support so I guess she's confident she can prove it. Certainly his older daughter (adult) doesn't doubt it and she knows the score/ not naive.

Am thinking I should somehow without making it too concrete get it into their heads as a possibility and we can see in the next years how it all pans out,

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse Thu 29-Sep-16 14:31:59

It seems there are enough other people who know so the risk that your DCs will find out, in a way you might not like them to in future seems quite high. I think I'd want to be in control of how they found out if I was me.

twofalls Thu 29-Sep-16 14:35:25

I did think that (the real)reality when I posted a response. Must be very annoying.

twofalls Thu 29-Sep-16 14:37:49

How about not using the words "siblings/brothers/sisters". How about saying "your dad has children with other mummies, they are not in our lives at the moment because they live with their mummies, we don't know much about them at all, but we might meet them one day". Make it clear there are going to be no happy families. At 5 and 7 they should get that.

BewtySkoolDropowt Thu 29-Sep-16 14:38:19

I would tell them. They are definitely old enough to understand.

My children have an older half-brother that they haven't met, we don't know where he is. They have known about him pretty much all their lives, and it's never been an issue.

It would be a much bigger issue if they here about it from someone at school and you haven't told them. It might be unlikely but it's far from impossible. I know someone who's half-sibling (born of an affair) went up and introduced himself at school. My friend didn't know of his existence and went ballistic at her parents for not saying anything, and took a long time to get over that.

secretsiblings Thu 29-Sep-16 14:41:28

Twofalls that's really helpful actually, probably a good way to approach it

Kr1stina Thu 29-Sep-16 14:41:29

What two falls said. Except I'd miss out the bit about " we might see them one day "

Don't use the words brothers / sisters becauee that implies a relationship that they will probably never have .

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now