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Partners ex told me she still loves him

(22 Posts)
Lovemusic33 Thu 29-Sep-16 10:53:28

Been with my partner almost a year, he is still married and I am still married, he tells me he split with his ex a year before we met but stayed in the family home because of the children, apparently she told him she didn't love him anymore so they were sleeping in separate beds.

Last week I met his wife for the first time and she told me that she was still in love with him. I know he doesn't love her but I feel really odd about it and I keep thinking about them together, what if one day he goes back to her and leaves me?

I know I am probably being insecure but it's really getting to me sad. He tells me he has no feelings for her what so ever and it was over years ago. They have 2 children together so obviously they still have a lot of contact.

Nakupenda Thu 29-Sep-16 11:08:46

How do you ever find yourself in a situation where your partners ex-wife tells you she is still in love with him?!

How weird & bizarre.

TheNaze73 Thu 29-Sep-16 11:19:22

Yes you are being insecure. He's chosen to be with you not her.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 29-Sep-16 11:29:33

You feel insecure because she has said something to throw you off balance and make you aware of her stance on the matter. I know he hasn't made you feel that way but it's natural you do after what she said but you need to process it with your rational brain.
The first time you met her she made sure she marked her territory and would make you insecure.
He sounds like he's an honest guy so I wouldn't keep on questioning him on this when it isn't anything he has said or done himself.

Keep focusing on all the good parts of your relationship which makes it stronger not the 'what ifs' which could make it weaker

Lovemusic33 Thu 29-Sep-16 11:32:09

I haven't questioned him at all, I just told him what she said to me, he then said 'I hope you don't think I still have feelings for her?' And assured me he didn't.

I know it might seem like a odd situation but there are issues going on concerning the children which is why I had to meet her.

Lovemusic33 Thu 29-Sep-16 11:33:46

She wasn't horrible to me in any way but this was one of the first things she said to me, it just threw me a bit.

Cabrinha Thu 29-Sep-16 11:34:29

Staying in the same house because of the children huh?
So what's the status of his divorce after TWO YEARS?

She's stirring, I'd ignore that.

But I'd definitely be basing my decision about him on a number of things including him not being divorced yet.

HermioneJeanGranger Thu 29-Sep-16 11:36:57

She's his wife, I'm not surprised you're feeling insecure!

Have either of you started divorce proceedings? If not, why not? How can you consider him your partner when you're both still married to other people? confused

furryminkymoo Thu 29-Sep-16 11:43:11

All depends on circumstances tbh, Is he still living with his wife in the family home? are you separated?

One of my ex's had an ex that when she broke up with a guy kept telling him that she was still in love in with him, she wasn't. It messed with my head at the time though. They had a DC together so always in contact, when she was single she kept trying to gate crash days out with him and DC.

Cabrinha Thu 29-Sep-16 11:43:45

I remember your name, I posted on one of your threads ages ago because I work away from home and you were struggling being the partner at home.

This man takes work on the weekends that he doesn't need to do, and then misses the time he should have been with his kids.

He wasn't sounding all that great back then. Is he really worth the hassle?

(regardless of his wife - who is just stirring)

JustSpeakSense Thu 29-Sep-16 11:44:28

Where is he living now?

What it the status of his divorce?

This sounds messy...

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 29-Sep-16 11:47:28

Ask him his plans for 2017. Tell him yours aren't still seeing a married man!!

Lovemusic33 Thu 29-Sep-16 12:13:15

Cabrina, that's me, things have changed a lot, he has a new job and no longer works away or at weekends, a lot has happened concerning his children which is why his life style has had to change too.

He is living with me, he left the family home not long after he met me. Neither of us are divorced as we can not afford it, I am waiting until we have been separated for 2 years ( 5 months time ) as it costs a lot less and he is trying to find the money to divorce his wife, I can't really dictate to him when I am still married too. He is trying to sort out access to his children which is costing money making it harder to find money for a divorce but he says he will sort it soon. Obviously I would like it to be sorted a lot sooner.

It has made me feel insecure, I haven't told him this. Things between him and his ex have been pretty angry over the past few months, a lot of game playing and at the moment my partner doesn't want much contact with her so I am kind of the in between person as I talk to her on the phone or via messenger ( when they message each other it gets a bit messy as my partner gets fed up with her lies and games ), I don't mind doing this as it means I know exactly what's being said ( which is probably wrong ).

I don't know if she really loves him or if it's just because he has moved on and she doesn't want anyone else to have him.

HermioneJeanGranger Thu 29-Sep-16 12:32:03

At least you're living together, which I suppose proves some kind of commitment. And I do understand waiting for 2 years to divorce in order to save money.

I'm just a bit concerned that in legal terms, she's still his wife (and your ex is still your husband) and so there could be some major problems if you break up or have children or if something happens to one of you.

Are you both at least legally separated?

Cabrinha Thu 29-Sep-16 13:26:42

I'm glad you got the job situation sorted.

From everything you've said - I'm sure his wife is just stirring.

But I think it's worth you thinking about why it's bothered you.

I'm sorry to say it, but alongside the red flag of "stayed in the sand house for the kids" (which is true sometimes but also often bullshit) I'm a bit hmm that having decided it was so important for his kids for him to stay there, it didn't take him long after meeting you to (a) ditch this so important decision and (b) move rather conveniently straight into yours.

Have I got the timing wrong and he actually managed to live somewhere else between his marital home and yours?

Some of your previous posts about him have been pretty negative - that's why all in all I wonder if he's worth this hassle. A boyfriend of a year, and you're the one fielding his wife's calls? I'd walk away from that.

He could not have sorted out access to his kids before moving in with you, if he did so straight away - because living in the same home as them would have presumably made that unnecessary. The thing still be married? I think that's fine if there's a practical reason - if you have sorted your life out! Things like, child arrangements.

You said he was unnecessarily working instead of bothering to see his kids some weekends. No surprise this previous relationship has got messy, really.

Seriously have a think whether he's worth all this bother.

And btw: divorce application is £550 whether you file for divorce 3 weeks after split (as I did) or 2 years later. Why do you say it's cheaper?

Cabrinha Thu 29-Sep-16 15:26:51

Hermione I'm not sure that living together is proof of commitment.

When you pressurise your girlfriend of just a few months into letting you move in because you're sofa surfing, pay less in rent to her than you cost her in lost benefits, can't afford (apparently) to move out and enjoy the benefits of having your meals cooked and clothes washed, all the while treating your girlfriend like shit... (well, not all the whole or she wouldn't hang onto the occasional time he's nice)
Well, when you count that in, commitment looks more like cocklodging.

Lovemusic33 please please please go back and read all your other posts about this man, and pretend they were posted by someone else.

His wife saying she loves him? OK, that's not his fault, but it's yet more drama that just clings to this man. You poor thing, you must be so stressed flowers

Lovemusic33 Thu 29-Sep-16 16:00:29

I know Cabrina sad and yes I am very stressed, it's making me ill.

I wish I was stronger.

Cabrinha Thu 29-Sep-16 16:15:31

I know this is so easy for me to say from the outside...

But if he truly loved you, and you said "you know, this all moved too fast because you were sofa surfing, there's a lot of pressure on us - and you're miles away from your kids who really need you right - I want you to move out again and we'll carry on seeing each other" then he would agree.

If he was a decent father he'd have done it already. His kids are missing school, and he didn't think it was a good idea to live closer to pick up the slack, let alone do an equal share of parenting? He's not a good man.

He shouts at you, makes it clear when he's not happy that you're going out, makes you miss nights out by failing to come home when he promised (see, he is controlling, isn't he?), admits he was controlling of his wife, throws his phone in temper tantrums, sulks and disappears off in his car (to control your behaviour)... pushes to live with you in the first place...

It's no wonder you're ill and stressed.
A boyfriend (let alone a partner, someone serious enough to live with you) should improve your life. Not make you ill.

Someone you love should make you happy. And not just occasionally.

There's a reason drama follows this man around.

This is so easy for me to say, I know - but lovey, you're allowed to dump him! And his whole bloody drama.

Have you got someone IRL you can talk to? I'm worried about you. Good men - and there are loads of them - don't treat people like this.

Cabrinha Thu 29-Sep-16 16:20:07

I wish I could make you see...

You actually have to be much stronger to live with all his drama and ill treatment and your stress related illness, than you would have to be to end it!

You are strong.
You're just (forgive me for thinking my opinion is right wink) being strong to bear the wrong things.

Be strong at getting rid of him and enjoying your own life.

Instead of putting your strength into fielding his wife's calls, trying to sort out his child dramas, and... doing his fecking washing <wags fingers at Love, but with a smile and a glass of something nice>

Go out with some friends, have a blow out, offload! And gather up the amazing strength you obviously have to make your life happier flowers

Lovemusic33 Fri 30-Sep-16 08:20:20

Thank you, I am trying hard to be strong, at the moment I just feel like curling up in a ball and shutting the world out.

I think I might book a few days away, just me and the dd's during half term, get away from everything and get my head straight.

I know things are not great, things are very complicated, I can't post everything on her but he did have good reasons to stay in the house after they split though I am not making any excuses for him or the way he. Has treated me and his ex.

I do love him but I know I can't continue like this.

Cabrinha Fri 30-Sep-16 09:17:59

Why do you love him though?
That's the crux.
If my boyfriend deliberately didn't come home at the agreed time without warning to stop me going out - I couldn't love him.
If my boyfriend left his kids to miss school because he couldn't be bothered to parent them, that'd kill stone dead any respect and love I had for him.

Have a think about what love is.

Cabrinha Fri 30-Sep-16 09:18:54

I tell you what it isn't - actually being unwell from the stress he causes you flowers

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