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I think I've had enough - feel like I'm going mad!!

(70 Posts)
printmeanicephoto Thu 29-Sep-16 10:22:24

I'm married to someone who is time-sensitive. It's like he has a sand timer on his shoulder ALL the time. He is an efficiency machine on steroids! He uses words like "we need to run a tighter ship" a lot (I think it's a control issue). It's great he gets things done but as I am somewhat slower and more relaxed in my approach to life it causes a lot of friction. We've been married a long time and have never seemed able to resolve this despite counselling.

He's says he's just trying to carve out time for us to be together in the evenings. He has a stressful job and by 8.30/9pm he is in bed and asleep by 9.30/10pm. Kids are generally in bed by 9pm which is when I've finished the chores. So I have a half hour window to communicate with him/ watch tv before he's asleep. He says I should T everything up better before he comes home at 7pm so that kids are in bed earlier (aged 9 and 12). Last night I got told off for doing an optional craft homework with my 9 yo which delayed bedtime by half an hour (She doesn't normally do optional homework but this time she wanted to do it - it came from her).

I try my best to do all the chores etc (I work 20 - 25 hours per week), school hours 3 days a week at work + 2 evenings working at home plus quite a bit of ferrying to and from kids activities after school. But I always get the vibe from him that I'm under-performing at home re; housework etc. He gets sarky if I ever sit down before all the chores are done in the evening. Its like whatever I do is never enough. I think what I do is fine. Yes, I'm more relaxed and flexible than him (creative personality, night owl) and get less done than him. I just feel life like he sees me as a housemaid, and I'm always fighting against his nature - which is particular, efficiency driven and time-conscious.

I look around my neighbours' houses (they have kids too) and they all seem to be in a similar state to mine - a few specific areas of untidiness but we're all just trying to do our best. I also have a child with mild SEN so I need to do extra school work at home with that child to help them keep up.

Does anyone else suffer from being with someone who is very time-conscious and efficiency driven? Any ideas of how to make it work without driving each other mad?

TheNaze73 Thu 29-Sep-16 10:27:22

There needs to be that magical word, compromise. I think the silos you're both going down will pull further apart & end up annoying you both more. I happen to agree with you on this one, as I'm similar & he would wind the hell out of me but, I acknowledge it works both ways.

printmeanicephoto Thu 29-Sep-16 10:45:38

I just don't know whether I can live like this any more. The compromise may be too great.

printmeanicephoto Thu 29-Sep-16 11:00:37

He says if we split he'll have a breakdown. I actually think he would. He's not a bad man - we just seem incompatible in the way we see life.

SeafrontDreams Thu 29-Sep-16 11:15:19

What does he do to "run a tighter ship" and contribute to the evening chores? It sounds like you do most of the running around after the kids?

StirredNotShaken Thu 29-Sep-16 11:18:57

If he wants to spend time relaxing with you then he needs to help with the household chores. This is 2016 not 1816! He sounds like a patronising nob to me.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 29-Sep-16 11:20:13

What time does everyone get up?

printmeanicephoto Thu 29-Sep-16 11:26:26

He comes in at 6.45/7pm and we all have dinner together. Then he does the washing up and then he's in bed soon after most days. He does a lot around the house at the weekends - takes the kids out, cooks. He's up at 6.45am and out of the house at 7.15/7.30. He's a director so does have a lot on his plate. I do understand he has a long day and is naturally an early bird. I get up at 7.30am.

MorrisZapp Thu 29-Sep-16 11:31:01

That's crazy. Adults don't usually go to bed at 8.30 unless they're ill.

Did he go to bed really early before you had kids?

BiddyPop Thu 29-Sep-16 11:31:58

He gets home at 7pm, is in bed at 8.30/9, and asleep by 9.30/10pm?

When does he have time to help with the homework or household chores - or does he come in, eat, and head to bed?

And yet it is YOU who are "underperforming"?!

I agree, he sounds like a patronizing nob....

BiddyPop Thu 29-Sep-16 11:34:11

OK, in light of the cross-posted extra information - he has a lot on his plate, works long hours, helps some bit in the short time he is at home.....

But he is still a patronizing nob who cannot see the difference between work, where productivity does matter, and home, where it should be more relaxed and where he should also be doing more in that short period or else not giving YOU grief when you are trying to do what's needed to support his needs and the needs of the rest of the family.

LineyReborn Thu 29-Sep-16 11:37:42

Surely no grown man needs over 9 hours sleep a night?

YappyYapster Thu 29-Sep-16 11:37:46

My Dh works in a very senior stressful job and gets up at 5.30. He's rarely in bed before 10pm and does almost as much housework and childcare as me (SAHM). He also does all the ferrying around (4 nights a week) as I can't drive at the moment.

Your husband sounds like he's treating you as an employee. He tells you off? Fuck that shit.

printmeanicephoto Thu 29-Sep-16 11:38:01

I feel my evenings are geared around his window of availability between 8 - 9.30pm and if I miss the window because I'm doing other things then it's my fault because I haven't T'd things up earlier (hard if I'm ferrying kids to activities!)

He does do a bit of washing up (5-10 mins) when he's had his tea - but only what can't go in the dishwasher.

pocketsaviour Thu 29-Sep-16 11:39:29

He says if we split he'll have a breakdown. I actually think he would.

That's interesting. So he doesn't think you do things the right way, but if you stopped doing them, he couldn't cope?

He sounds extremely neurotic and a bit of a control freak. Do you know what his childhood was like? It actually sounds like it might be really hard to be in his head.

80sWaistcoat Thu 29-Sep-16 11:42:55

He goes to bed v early - I don't think even the presenters of the Today programme go to bed that early. Is he John Humphreys?

printmeanicephoto Thu 29-Sep-16 11:47:30

Sorry to drip feed - his company is struggling at the moment so he is very stressed. The more stressed he is the more he needs things to be "done" at home so he can walk into a tidy environment.

lynniep Thu 29-Sep-16 11:47:53

I don't understand. What does he do in the hour he's in bed. Is he reading? or just lying there awake? (I go to bed and drop off almost straight away)

printmeanicephoto Thu 29-Sep-16 11:49:16

Apparently his whole body is in pain with stress. But even before the pain he was still in bed v early.

printmeanicephoto Thu 29-Sep-16 11:50:59

lynniep - He might watch a bit of TV or get the kids to come in for a cuddle so he can chat to them or fiddle with his phone.

pictish Thu 29-Sep-16 11:52:29

Look - he is one member of your household. He is not the head of your household. He does not have the authority to arrange you all as befits his personal schedule. He's not your director!

No. This guy needs to come back down to earth and rejoin the body of the kirk. What he is doing is controlling and if he's a genuine good sort, he won't want to be the man like that.

Have you broached the fact that he is controlling with him before?

ImperialBlether Thu 29-Sep-16 11:54:59

I think if his business is struggling and he's in bed at 8.30 pm every night, then he should go to the doctor to ask for help in dealing with the stress.

StartledByHisFurryShorts Thu 29-Sep-16 11:57:06

I don't think that going to he'd at 8.30, twatting about for an hour and then having a ridiculously long sleep is an efficient use of his time. He's clearly stressed. Don't let him make you feel it's your fault.

ElspethFlashman Thu 29-Sep-16 11:59:28

What's that phrase? The squeakiest wheel gets the most grease?

It seems like he is articulating his "needs" so loudly and so frequently that he is getting the most grease. You are constantly in a state of placation. So he gets a lot of validation.

What would happen if you told him to fuck off, you'll do things your way?

Look, you've already had counselling on this issue and it seems as bad as ever. You are slowly drowning and he doesn't seem to give a shit except framing it how a separation would affect HIM. Rather than changing so that you don't have to separate in the first place. He does not seem to care how stressed YOU are. At all.

printmeanicephoto Thu 29-Sep-16 12:06:23

Unusually, I have to work tomorrow which means today is my only day off in the week. He said to me yesterday, "you've got your work cut out for you around the house tomorrow". I saw red! He said he was just raising a concern.

Is this a normal comment to make between couples? I just don't know any more.

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