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What should I do(14 Posts)
NC'd for this as semi-regular posted and don't want it being associated with my other name.
For background: me, DP, DS (3) and DD (10 months) moved house last week. On top of that my dad was admitted to hospital on Friday, he got out a couple of days ago however it was potentially life threatening. I was visiting him regularly whilst trying to settle into the new place and he's been coming over for long periods since he got out so he's not alone. He could become ill again. Also, because we moved away from our previous house, DS is starting a new nursery today.
So it's been pretty full on and very stressful. Yesterday I was feeling extremely under pressure with everything going on and trying to sort out forms for DS starting nursery, my dad being round until late and my DD having a stinking cold so was up 3 times before midnight screaming inconsolably.
Last night DP went out to the pub with an old friend. He very rarely goes out without me, maybe 4 tmes a year. I text him at 12am to say DD was unwell so to please sleep downstairs so I could attend to her easily and in case I needed to bring her into bed with me.
I didn't hear him come in but at 2.30am I heard clattering (things falling) outside my bedroom and him going into DD's room then into DS's room. I thought he'd come back out to come into our room but when he never I went in and he was climbing on top of DS trying to get into the bed thinking it was our bed! It's a tiny toddler bed! I saw red and grabbed him and pulled him up and he told me to calm down he was trying to get into bed. So I turned him round and told him to get downstairs which he did. DS woke up but wasn't upset, I stayed with him a while until he fell back to sleep.
I went downstairs and into the kitchen and then noticed he had used the washing machine as a urinal and the kitchen floor was covered in it as well as the washing machine. I was livid by this point. He was asleep in his boxers in the living room so I looked for his clothes and they were in DS's room. His jeans were soaking and so were his socks from peeing in the kitchen.
I couldn't get back to sleep for hours and then DD was up at the crack of dawn for a feed and cuddle since she's poorly.
Whilst typing this he's got up from the couch and I presume went up to bed.
I don't know what to do. This is not acceptable behaviour to me. He has never once let me down before. We've been together 5 years. We have both been feeling the pressure with the move and he's been sleeping less than me as he has been getting up with DD in the night who has been waking frequently due to her cold. He is very hands on with the kids and everything he does is for our family and with us in mind.
He's been trying to have a night with this friend for a few weeks now but I talked him out of it each time because I know how bad they get when they're together. I think they've maybe been out two other times since we've been together. This is the worst I've experienced with him. He does drink more than I would like but he's never been as bad as this.
Last night I was going to text him photos of the mess he made of the kitchen and a text telling him to be gone (for a couple of days to give me space) by the time I come back from nursery. My anger has subsided so I'm kind of at a loss what to do now.
Sorry if this is all over the place!
It sounds like a one-off. You say he's never let you down before. People can do some awful things when they're pissed. He, like you, has had a very stressful time. As long as he's suitably apologetic and tried hard to make it up with you, hard though it is, I would let it go. If it were part of a litany of similar behaviour I'd be way less forgiving.
You poor thing, that must have all been very upsetting and rage inducing. I am sure others with more experience than me will be along soon.
Although he never has, I could possibly see my DH doing this as a one off thing. I would be mad, but I don't think it would be a deal breaker for me, if it was a one off.
That said I know this kind of thing can be a red flag, so if he's drinking excessively and then doing stupid/dangerous things on very regular basis then maybe you do have a bigger problem on your hands.
Has he said anything to you (sorry if I missed that in your post?)
If this is a total one off and very out of character then it does sound like he just drank far more than he intended and the wee part is very common for drunk men (loads of my friends have told me about wee in the wardrobe!) then I wouldn't write him off as an irresponsible idiot, but you need to calmly tell him what a bloody nightmare it was for you and totally not acceptable.
Hopefully he feels so disgusting today it's put him off!
Invite the friend over on a WEEKEND next time and say going out on the lash in the week is not good for the kids routine.
Also explain to him that he could have weed on his own child.
I think he will be suitably sorry
Make him a wish list of how he can make it up to you. Make it clear he won't be repeating his behaviour and make him clean up!!
That does not sound good.
But..... It's a one off, so you say.
Can you forgive this?
When you say he drinks too much - what does this mean?
Every night he gets drunk?
If my OH did this he would have a lot of making up to do but I'm not sure I'd end things because of it.
I would suggest, sit down, relax a bit, have a cuppa and really think things through.
Where are you boundaries and what are your deal-breakers?
I think his reaction to it once he wakes will be most telling. If he is anything other than mortified and hugely apologetic then I would be thinking twice about the relationship.
Show him he pics. Show him your fury.
But as long as it's a one-off and he apologises suitably and voluntatily says that it won't happen again, then I think it would be an over reaction to ask him to leave.0
I wrote a long reply and it disappeared! Don't have wifi yet
We haven't spoken this morning. He woke as DS was driving cars over him and they spoke for a bit then he went up to bed. Who knows when he'll surface. But I'd rather he stayed out my way just now because I have no idea what I'm going to say yet or how to broach. I think I'll go mental just now.
Will try and speak to him after I've taken DS to nursery. We have a really busy day planned today so that'll probably be a write off!
He isn't drunk every night, no. He'll drink a couple of times a week, sometimes more depending on his shifts, and nearly always stinking at least a bottle of red. I like wine so can't really say anything! He's under a lot of stress at work and this hasn't exactly been a holiday for him with the move.
I'm still really fucked off though.
We were supposed to be going furniture shopping tomorrow just the two of us and for a nice lunch but I can't even bear to look at him at the moment.
Hi OP, sorry you went through that. It must have been awful, and a telling off wouldn't be out of order at all.
My boyfriend years ago used to sleep walk when he was drunk, and pissed on the stairs once or twice. I went barmy at him, and told him how disgusting he was etc etc.
BUT . . .I went out to a concert and drank a lot of cider, which I don't normally drink. my boyfriend told me in the morning that I had got up in the night and pissed in the washing basket, thinking it was the toilet. I was absolutely mortified!! I didn't tell anyone for years.
I'm not saying its ok, or that you shouldn't be angry. but when my boyfriend did it, I didn't realise that he was actually asleep. Climbing in with your son is worrying, and I can totally understand your anger.
Well the conversation has been had. He was suitably contrite.
He did ask if he could say sorry without hearing what he did but I said no way. I think he's pretty gutted actually. Especially about getting into our son's bed as he would never do anything to hurt our kids.
I'm letting it go, I think he'll be giving himself enough of a hard time without me harping on about it. I've still not completely forgiven him though but I've thawed slightly. He'd better not do it again!
Has he ever sleep walked OP? I sleep walk, and it is always worse after not sleeping well for a few days or having too much to drink. You say he's a bit sleep deprived from sick DC so that may have contributed.
I'm glad you've accepted his apology. Hopefully he has learnt his lesson. If it happens again then I don't think I could be that forgiving a second time around.
Not that I'm saying he wasn't a drunken mess. Just that the lack of sleep may have made things worse.
I hope everything has calmed down a bit now and he is making it up to you with footrubs and wine.
He's never sleepwalked in the time we've been together.
He's definitely trying to make it up to me without him actually saying it He's been going out of his way to do things today and he knows he's doing all the night awakenings tonight because I'm exhausted after my stint last night!
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