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STBEXH wonders who I will blame when he isn't around

(20 Posts)
rememberthetime Wed 28-Sep-16 17:33:49

And suggested I might blame our daughter.

A bit of background. he has form for pretty bad EA and has recently moved on to our daughter. We are now splitting and I am moving out next week.

You can see more by looking at my previous threads.

For the first time in our marriage I feel brave enough to point out to him when he has done something wrong or when I feel he isn't pulling his weight and he hates it.

I admit I have been getting very cross with him for being bloody minded and told him to take some responsibility for the needs of his family. he was refusing to fix something in the house that was actually posing a danger to us all and was just a right pain. I tried to fix it, but couldn't. he is a builder and could easily do it, but refused.

This morning I asked again and he begrudgingly did it - then told me that he wondered who I would blame for things when he wasn't around and that he feared it would be our daughter.

I think he believes I can't take responsibility for things and that I always blame everyone else. This includes my anxiety due to his abuse, my lack of money due to his financial abuse, my stress at the fact I have to rent a home and buy all new furniture as he refuses to give me money and everything that has gotten on top of me in recent weeks.

he says all of my anxieties and stresses will still be there once I am gone and that I won't be able to blame him any more. he thinks I will then move on to our daughter.

This is more EA bullshit isn't it - or is there a grain of truth. he is messing with my head even in our last 7 days.

I know i should just ignore - but I am actually fearing this is some kind of ploy to accuse me of bad parenting and to insist our teenage daughter stays with him - she is adamant she is coming with me.

I just don't trust his motives.

But on the bright side I am leaving - a few weeks ago, you all encouraged me to and finally I did it. Rented a place despite being self employed with no records, got a loan for the deposit, sourced a house full of furniture on ebay and gumtree and arranged a moving van.

Yet, he thinks I am truly incapable. He also refuses to help and is being very difficult about money and is insisting he owns most of our furniture because he worked more. thats all typical behaviour - but this blame issue is new.

Strange though because he tells me that any grievances I had about him were all down to me. So who is passing the blame now?

Afterthestorm Wed 28-Sep-16 17:49:55

Sorry not got long to post as just going out, but yes this is him emotionally abusing you again, changing tactics maybe to get you worried but it is still abuse. Try not to let it get to you, when you have moved out you can put two fingers up to him and in time you will feel so much better. Once a twat, always a twat I'm afraid.... Keep going, you'll soon be the other side of this rubbish. Xx

Bogeyface Wed 28-Sep-16 18:27:55

I hope that you have already lodged a claim with CMS? He wont give up a penny willingly so you might as well start as you mean to go on.

And dont forget that the furniture in the house will be counted as an asset when it comes to the divorce.....wink

Bogeyface Wed 28-Sep-16 18:29:22

And to answer your question, yes this is just more of his bullshit. You are a duck and his words are water rolling off your back.

Easier said than done, but you can fake it so at least he doesnt know that he is getting to you.

rememberthetime Wed 28-Sep-16 21:19:30

Bogey - yes that was exactly what I said to myself this morning. I literally said "water off a ducks back" - I ignored and carried on like normal. This evening he helped me collect some second hand furniture and he had a face like thunder. I obviously don't deserve to ask for help after 16 years of marriage.
He is very angry at me for leaving and can't see that his behaviour is the reason. He keeps saying that i can always stay as he is willing to work on it. Utter crap. So because i have the option to stay he thinks I am being stupid to leave.

When I say I have no choice he tells me "we all have choices". Huh?

As you say - not long now.

Bogeyface Wed 28-Sep-16 21:46:56

Well I guess he is right in that you do in fact have a choice.

"Yes, you're right, we do all have choices and I am choosing to leave you"!

Naicehamshop Wed 28-Sep-16 21:58:41

Stay strong and stick with it - it sounds as if you are definitely doing the right thing!

hermione2016 Wed 28-Sep-16 21:59:44

I think he's projecting - knowing that he can't take responsibility but twisting it takes you.

He is also fearful that your anxieties will disapoear when you move out.

ChuckBiscuits Thu 29-Sep-16 07:05:26

For every thing he says you can respond 'this is another example of the reason I am leaving you. This just shows I am 100% correct in this decision'.

Of course your daughter doesn't want to stay with him, she will know what is going on.

You need to remember that his words are meant to stop you in your tracks. Whereas your tracks need to take you into that new house and new life. Well done.

SandyY2K Thu 29-Sep-16 07:52:55

Typical abuser behaviour.
Never accepting fault.

Don't engage with him and just walk away or when the beginning of his sentence is leaning towards blaming - just say "I'm desperate for the loo. Must go"

rememberthetime Thu 29-Sep-16 08:24:47

Loving the loo idea!

Kr1stina Thu 29-Sep-16 08:36:31

Yes it's more EA BS

Take as much of the small stuff from the house as you can - kitchen things, photo frames , anything he won't notice . Everything that belongs to you and your daughter . It all adds up .

He's an arse and well done on putting all your plans together. You are a smart capable woman.

InTheseFlipFlops Thu 29-Sep-16 09:15:20

More bull shit.
Yes to taking little things, photos, momentos. The things you can't replace, get them out now.
I'm sure legally there's a claim on furniture etc. But don't worry, it can be replaced slowly.
There's at least 3 furniture charity shops near me, big dressers, £50. Beds £40, wardrobes £20, chest of drawers £10. Not noticed the price of sofas, but you get the picture!
Some of it is really beautiful quality furniture.
Imagine how good it will feel to just breathe again. To properly rest and relax.

Kr1stina Thu 29-Sep-16 09:26:55

Take other things he won't notice - spare towels, saucepans , dishes, cutlery, baking trays and dishes . Tools like screwdrivers and pliers , sellotape and scissors, sewing stuff. Christmas decorations. Spare light bulbs . Lamps and pictures .

All the hundreds of little things that cost money . And will really annoy you in your new place when you need them and you remember that you left them.

Photos and mementoes of your children when they were small . Or grandparents etc

If any of the household items have bad Memories attached , you can always replace them when you have the spare cash

rememberthetime Thu 29-Sep-16 20:28:25

yes, I have already started putting aside all of my stuff - the things only I use. My daughter is "allowed" to take all of her own things.

I had the most wonderful experience today. Someone who lived near me was offering a sofa for free on gumtree. I went and had a look expecting it to be naff but good enough - but it was beautiful.Then he offered me all of the furniture he had in his garage. His mum in law had gone into a home due to alzheimers and he didn't want to profit from her furniture. He wanted it to go to a good home.

I had told him my story and he really wanted to help. So I now have a sofa, a chest of drawers and a side board in beautiful oak. He offered a single bed, a table, chairs, a lamp and even a TV - but i didn't need those things. Hopefully they can go to someone else who truly needs it.

I cried on the way home at his generosity and caring.he s even letting me store the items in his garage until I am ready to collect next week.

I now have a house full of furniture and almost everything I need and i did it in just a few weeks. I guess i truly am resourceful.

However right at this minute am working late into the night to earn enough to put in an invoice to be paid tomorrow to make up enough to pay my deposit...I am cutting it fine.

InTheseFlipFlops Thu 29-Sep-16 22:31:23

Well done, that's fantastic. What a lovely man.
when I left mine I couldn't take big stuff but did manage to take all the tea towels, mugs, plates, serving dishes, bath towels, a few basic tools (screw driver etc) That sort of stuff. It soon adds up and he wouldn't think about it.
I also took all the loo roll and dvds out the cases - but I'm petty like that and didn't have to face him again (no kids)

Kr1stina Fri 30-Sep-16 06:16:43

I'm liking the idea of the loo roll. Mostly for the thought of STB bastard EH sitting on the loo and finding that the holder is empty. As is the cupboard .

And not knowing how to get more , as it's always just appeared as if by magic grin

Remember - you are entitled to take HALF the household goods, even if you both use them . Take them without asking him and let him take you to court for half the contents of the kitchen cupboards .

InTheseFlipFlops Fri 30-Sep-16 09:20:56

Don't forget Christmas decorations and tree if you've got one.

GinIsIn Fri 30-Sep-16 09:22:27

Just smile sweetly and say "you needn't worry - I will still blame you."

Hang on in there - you are nearly free and clear!

rememberthetime Sat 01-Oct-16 08:30:18

I can't be too vindictive as my son will still be living here. That is why I an leaving most stuff behind. I don't want him to be inconvenienced. Plus I want a fresh start with no memories. This weekend I will mostly be packing boxes. ...

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