Confidence boost required

[loulou1626]

Hello ladies, just needing a bit of a confidence boost, or more like a kick up the ass to maintain a 'screw him' attitude really.

I wrote several threads a few months ago about my ex partner's behaviour towards me since leaving me pregnant with a planned baby. I've had no contact with him or his family since May and am fully in the knowledge of him being in a relationship with someone he works with, something he denied and tried to hide from anyone who may have told me when it did become public, moron. I've been extremely fortunate in the support I've received from family and friends, have been having regular counselling, great support from a very understanding midwife and health visitor (both advised to not contact him after birth as it's a very vulnerable time) and have actually managed to find some joy amongst all the sorrow that has plagued my pregnancy.

I'm now currently 38 weeks pregnant so the moment is fast approaching! I'm very excited and terrified at the same time, and obviously am concerned about what will happen after the baby is born. Though I've come a long way, I do still struggle with my heartache and feelings for my ex and the situation we are in; for every time that I have a day where I think he can burn in hell, I have a day where I think the complete opposite. I miss him and our life together, fool that I am, but at the same time I am full of a burning anger that actually frightens me with the intensity of it, so I'm very much on a emotional seesaw still at the moment.

The issue I have at the moment is what to do regarding the baby and my ex's involvement. The majority of my family are adamant that he and his family can go to hell if they think they're coming anywhere near us etc, my close friends are very much in the mindset of he's an asshole but we'll support any choice you make and think it's reasonable for me to just carry on like he doesn't exist, but I've had many comments and opinions from people I know in regards to his involvement eg that it's up to me to make sure he's involved with the baby, that I should contact him cos he could be scared, that just because he's acted like he has doesn't mean he won't care, that I need to get over it, that it's better to have a dad who sees his child every two weeks than not at all etc, all comments I find to be both ignorant and quite offensive really but naturally, it's made me think about things more than I probably should.

In my mind, as hard as it it, he has shown no desire to be involved or that he even gives a toss and his actions towards me alone have been beyond awful, never mind the fact that he told me to abort our baby, therefore it is not unreasonable for me to just stick with that notion and to not contact him and just get on with it. I want to enjoy my baby and focus on him, not think about someone who should have been there anyway! He knows when the due date is, has the ability to contact my family if he wants to talk and has had plenty of time to make amends but hasn't, so why would I put myself through further pain by expecting him to be any different? And why should I act as his bloody secretary when I did all I could to keep him involved in the first place and spent so long running myself into the ground and risking the health of myself and the baby to do so, why is it up to me when he's a fully grown man who's completely aware of the situation? I'm full of conflicting thoughts along with lots of fears like him turning up with this new girlfriend or that I may not be able to control my anger should I see him and that I'll come across in a negative way which could be used against me or, even worse, that he wants to be reasonable despite all that he's done, I'm not sure if I can handle any of it.

Basically, I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing in any case and that I'm not setting myself up to be a bad mother before my little boy is even here.

[Happybunny19]

You should be thinking only of you and the health of your baby at the moment. Your ex I assume knows where you are, and like you've pointed out knows the expected date of birth, so the emphasis is on him to make contact. I understand it must be truly awful for you, but you need to try to keep focus on your baby and enjoy him when he's born, not be worrying about your ex, who sounds like a massive dick quite honestly. Good luck with the birth and remember the sperm donor is the one missing out on your little one, that was entirely his choice x

[aefondkisses]

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear you have had to go through all of this. Haven't seen your other threads but already from what you write he sounds awful and definitely not the kind of person I'd want around my baby.
You are not being a bad mother by not doing his job. I absolutely disagree with those people who say you have a responsibility to contact him. Glad that your family and close friends get it, don't listen to anyone else.
If he hasn't show an interest and you (rightly) don't want him around let him be himself and stay away. Anyone who makes you feel guilty for not running after him is not your friend. I remember how raw my emotions (good and bad) could be when I was pregnant so make sure you're surrounded by the right people, who truly have your back.
So I'd say resist the urge to help him in any way and take all that energy back for yourself. Sounds like you're a great mum already. Only let kindness in is my motto and it helps me set a boundary when I start wanting to help exh when I see him digging his own holes. They never thank you (sincerely) and I've learnt that some people are just like that, incapable of doing the right thing. Rules with those people are: don't analyse it, feel guilty about it or try and solve it. Lending you my invisible cape that only lets true kindness through
Don't doubt yourself...

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Some people have very very low expectations of men and think women should be grateful for anything short of a moneyless alcoholic wife beater and should be extra grateful if he "helps" with "your housework", maybe "babysits" his own children sometimes and "let's you" work.

Other people's advice tells you something about their attitudes to men and women.

Your plans are completely sensible. If he wants to see his child, you will be open to discussing a structured contact arrangement. Everyone knows he won't (even those people telling you to chase recognise that you would have to chase).

[loulou1626]

Thank you ladies, you're both really kind and I'm really glad to know that I'm not selfish or in the wrong for thinking the way I do. It really is just a matter of maintaining the mindset I guess and not feeling as though I'm responsible for his decisions and actions, which is a struggle itself but I'm bloody well determined to try! But it is very hard and I'm just bracing myself for whatever cos I truly have no idea what to expect and therefore try not to expect anything, I just worry that I'll somehow end up being in the wrong no matter what happens, as silly as it may sound.

[loulou1626]

runrabbit you're absolutely right about that and it's something I find absolutely shocking that people think it's acceptable and that I'm unreasonable to expect him to do as much as myself. It's insane!

[AyeAmarok]

I just worry that I'll somehow end up being in the wrong no matter what happens, as silly as it may sound.

You probably will be, with some people. There will be those who look for every possible angle to blame you and sympathise with him. No matter what you do, these people will have something to say about how you aren't doing enough.

So don't bother trying to please them. Concentrate on yourself and your DS. What's important is that the two of you have the happiest, safest and most supportive environment you can create. Don't invite his nastiness and drama in to your little bubble.

But do make sure you get child maintenance.

[ButIbeingpoor]

Fatherhood starts at conception not birth. So far he has been a crap parent.
In your position, I wouldn't want a man who abandoned his pregnant partner as an influence in my child's life.

[aefondkisses]

I know it's really hard, and I know how bad it feels to dread what some unstable other may or may not do when there's a little one involved...but the bottom line is your baby needs you to be well and strong and protective and that means shielding yourself from toxic influences and doing things that make you happy.
So think about what contact would be acceptable to you if ever he gets in touch and stick by that. And if he doesn't well that's 100% his choice and responsibility. Can you get a bracelet or little present for yourself to remind you not to cave in to guilt, anything that is a symbol of what you want for you and the baby? Just something I found worked...

[loulou1626]

AyeAmarok you're absolutely right, I'm fully expecting that really, I just try and tell myself that whoever those people are don't matter anyway and won't be having any influence over my life with my son, but I guess it's still just hard to not take it to heart in some way. Regarding maintenance. I made it clear to him that if he didn't want to be involved completely then I wouldn't be chasing him for money because quite honestly, I'd rather it just be like he never existed so that me and my son can get on with our lives without him lingering in the background.

ButIbeingpoor I'm so glad you said that, I've said the exact same thing right from the moment he left and honestly don't know how people can think otherwise, though he and his family seem to think the complete opposite which says it all really in terms of what I'm dealing with.

aefondkisses it really is; the idea of him and this other girl being around my son after everything that's happened fills me with such anger and fear, though I try to block the thoughts. The amount of times I've heard 'but it's not about you it's about what's best the for the baby' and I'm thinking yes exactly, and what's best for my baby is having a mum who isn't emotionally compromised and unable to look after him as a result of the actions of someone who hasn't cared this entire time, so it's really reassuring to read your words, thank you. That's actually a very lovely idea, I'm glad it worked for you so I'll definitely have to give it a try and find something suitable, in the limited time I have!

[Atenco]

Very good comments above.

Not having him on the birth cert will be a major boon, OP. If he does turn up you can decide and control how and when he sees your baby.

You sound like you have good support around you.

[intheBondiBubble]

I don't know any of the circumstances of your breakup so won't comment on it, you should be aware that if the father wishes to have contact with his child, he is entitled to do so.
He can take you to court, you can be ordered to name him on the birth certificate and there will be court ordered contact arranged.
Having said that, he may not persue this and it is certainly not your responsibility to do it all for him.
Good luck, I'm sure the uncertainty is very difficult to cope with. Try to focus only on the things that you do know, like how much you love your baby, and how happy you will be.

[daisychain01]

I'd focus on your priority, having your baby and getting used to being a new mum and bonding. Don't make any decisions regarding your ex, or the practicalities of his access. Let him prove that he wants access, for now you need to keep all your strength for what is coming up soon. You don't need to use up any emotional energy on him. He hasn't given a damn about you or your baby.

Just a gentle tip, please don't use the word moron. It's derogatory. Thx.

[loulou1626]

Thank you for all your comments ladies, they're very helpful and encouraging. I think it's been very hard for me to come to terms with in that there seems to be a shockingly large portion of people, including himself and his family, that seem to think that his actions and attitude during my pregnancy have no bearing on his ability to be a decent father, or person for that matter, hence why I'm filled with such trepidation. I'm very aware that he can do things like take me to court and such and it's the last thing I want to be doing, as is this actual situation itself, but I'd find it bizarre that somebody who really hasn't given a toss would go to such lengths when it didn't even need to be this difficult, but just goes to show what people are really like I guess.

Still, I'll have my gorgeous baby boy and that's what matters.

[aefondkisses]

Yes that is what matters

The idea of going to court can sound frightening I know, it all seems so dark and conflictual when you only want peacefulness and light for you and your baby. But in my experience the law can also be your friend..it sets firm boundaries when we can feel it too hard to do so (mixed emotions, toxic influences, hormones, pure fatigue etc.). It can be the only way to stay sane when faced with someone manipulative...
If you find that you really can't stop worrying then maybe get the info you need to know what to expect if he does take that route? It will be easier to find out now before you little one is around and needs all your time...just suggestion to use that energy doe yourself but that's just me, lost too many years to ruminating and fear. If not just come back on here when you need reminding that you're right x

[aefondkisses]

For not doe!!