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Confused

(12 Posts)
saraea16 Wed 28-Sep-16 14:03:56

Ive never written on a forum before, and when I first started typing I wasn't sure why, but I've realised that I'm actually really struggling in my marriage since having a baby. My daughter is now 5 months old and she is a beautiful little girl, very content and cool to be around. But my marriage has been suffering. Today I felt like I was in for a really good day, we have a business so this morning i had been helping. When I came back in me and dd had a great time trying to roll and playing etc. I was planning to go to the cinema tonight at 8 after dd was asleep for a change, husband comes in and asks if I can change it so we can go to his parents for tea with his brother and wife. Over the summer he hardly ever came to my folks so we agreed that we didn't have to go to each other's of it wasn't convinent. The hole thing blew entirely out of proportion and a huge argument occurred. When really, my plans were not set in stone and it was easy enough for me to say yes in the first place. It feels as though I just try to create issues with him and I don't know why. It really upset me and I ended up crying in front of my daughter, something I don't usually do, and I don't want things to get worse and for her to grow up with him and me being in thee strange arguments that are pointless. I don't even know if what I am saying is making sense... I'm still trying to figure out what my roll is, as a new mum, a wife and as part of the business now I am here all day compared to when I used to be in work all day sad does anyone have any similar experiences and how they resolved it?

MidnightVelvettheSixth Wed 28-Sep-16 14:11:21

The trouble is though if you keep saying yes when you don't want to, it will lead to problems further down the line.

Is there a particular reason why he wanted to have tea with his parents? If you have already made an agreement that you don't have to see inlaws it seems strange that he would ask.

Also just our of curiosity were you going to the cinema by yourself whilst he stayed at home with DD?

saraea16 Wed 28-Sep-16 14:16:58

whenever they ask us he always says yes, before we had DD we used to go quite regularly. His lived at home with them till he was 33 when he met me. There's always been an expectancy to go there for tea but I thought this would change when we stared our own family. His brother and wife are staying there sometimes at the moment while they renovate their house, and they wanted to see DD, but they can only do tonight, so the entire thing is to suit them, which is what also annoyed me. His mum and dad were in our house yesterday so they see her very often.
Yes I was going to the cinema and he was going to stay with her, but I was going to put her to sleep before I left x

MidnightVelvettheSixth Wed 28-Sep-16 14:28:08

So your expectations of what a new family looks like are different smile so to him there's still room for going to his parents for tea unexpectedly whereas you expected to be just the 3 of you more often.

Neither are unreasonable, it sounds as though its down to communication. Maybe have an honest conversation about how you both see this first year going, how often you go to his parents for tea & see your parents, maybe you can set aside a specific day to see them or maybe have a specific evening where its always just the 3 of you.

Do you spend much time together though, its unusual for you to go to the cinema by yourself when you have the chance to relax together...I'm not judging but for me & DP one of the most important times of the day was when the kids were asleep & we could be adults & enjoy each others company without distraction.

It sounds as though there's more to it than this one evening...wine

saraea16 Wed 28-Sep-16 14:40:07

There's definitely more to it than this one evening. I feel like we just don't communicate. So what you're saying makes complete sense. I feel like it's his way or the highway sometimes. We don't spend much time together and in the evenings when we do now he's always reading stuff to do with the business or facebook. He is always working and never has time for us, so I've now started treating life as though it's kind of my myself if that makes sense? So I don't have to ask for his help. So for example next month I've arranged to go and stay with some family in Liverpool for the weekend and have told him what date I'm going and it's up to him if he joins, because we were meant to go away last weekend by he canceled. I just don't know how we feel ahout each other at the moment sad

saraea16 Wed 28-Sep-16 14:44:05

I also struggle to go to the in laws for tea sometimes because it can be a bit formal for my liking. I got a tattoo the other day of a symbol for my dd and he made a comment about his dad not liking tattoos, so the thought of things like that coming up at the dinner table also winds me up :s

Myusernameismyusername Wed 28-Sep-16 14:44:44

Can he not go to his mums with DD and you go to the cinema as planned?

I can imagine how it gets you down as that cinema night out was probably more precious to you than he realises - it's ok to see his family if he wants but as you see them so often anyway it's inconsiderate of him to place their desires before yours and your wish to have a little independence.

Go talk to him again calmly and just say you think you should stick to your original plan but he's welcome to do whatever he would like for his tea with DD!

Myusernameismyusername Wed 28-Sep-16 14:46:58

There's nothing wrong with going to the cinema without your partner occasionally, they live and work together 24/7 so it's pretty normal to want to get out of the house and DD may be young to leave but maybe ask PIL's to babysit sometime?

saraea16 Wed 28-Sep-16 14:50:23

thats a good idea. I will suggest it to him. Thank you for your help smile sometimes I just helps to vent I guess

saraea16 Wed 28-Sep-16 14:52:51

PIL have said they don't feel they would be able to look after her. My parents are happy to look after her if needed.

MidnightVelvettheSixth Wed 28-Sep-16 14:54:07

Indeed My, I was just wondering if the OP & her partner spent any downtime together or whether they were living separate lives in the same house, of course she could & should go to the cinema on her own smile

Saraea you fil's opinion of your tattoo does not matter! smile my fil would have hated my nose piercing but I liked it & he didn't have to!

saraea16 Wed 28-Sep-16 14:54:16

Going from working 8-6 to being here 24/7 has definitely had an impat!

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