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I don't know what a healthy relationship is

(6 Posts)
Ducklips275 Wed 28-Sep-16 10:13:29

Name changed as I just want a bit of advice.

I can't seem to have a happy, healthy relationship. My whole life I've been attracted to "bad boy" types, men who have treated me like shit and brought nothing but drama to my life. I have been asked out plenty of times by lovely, respectful men but I just don't seem to find myself attracted to them, there is just no spark. I have been out on a couple of dates lately with a nice guy but I just didn't fancy him.

I feel like there is something wrong with me. I have tried to break this cycle and give other men a chance but they just never seem to excite me. I feel like I'm trying to force myself to be attracted to someone just because they will treat me better.

I'm aware this is not healthy but I just don't know how to address it. I have made the first step by keeping away from the assholes - I am single and have been for some time. I'm just starting to think that I'm destined to be alone unless I can work through this problem.

MNetters does anyone have any words of wisdom.

lovelilies Wed 28-Sep-16 10:14:26


OnTheBr1nk Wed 28-Sep-16 10:24:17

Check out the 'Listen up, everyone' thread pinned to the top of the Relationships page. A good place to start.

pallasathena Wed 28-Sep-16 11:11:54

Its probably because they bring a bit of drama, excitement, frisson to an otherwise mundane life. Women who are attracted to 'bad boys', usually have low self esteem or are 'rescuers'. You need to work out which one of these personality traits fits your profile and why you subconsciously go for men who are going to treat you badly.
Consider your own family of origin. What role models did you have growing up? You may have had a less than desirable father figure in your life. You may have had a mother who was a bit of a martyr to her husband and children...its complicated of course. Look into your upbringing for clues and there you'll find the reasons why you go for this type.
However, I've also known a few women from perfectly well balanced family backgrounds who have found themselves enmeshed with the bad boy type. Why? rebellion for some, from their nice middle class families; stupidity with others - yes, really! There are some very naive, very unwise women who fall head over heels because well, to be perfectly blunt.......they're emotionally incontinent.

TheNaze73 Wed 28-Sep-16 13:36:34

There are so many reasons why we are attracted to certain types. Bad boys give you something to chase & some women with low self esteem tie themselves up in knots trying to iron them out until they become good boys & then get bored when they have done. I think this is part human nature, like drinking JD daily, it ain't good for you but, you want it & part could be related to childhood. Have you ever seen a life coach?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 28-Sep-16 13:44:28

"My whole life I've been attracted to "bad boy" types, men who have treated me like shit and brought nothing but drama to my life"

Bad boys are simply that; bad.

Where did this all really start with you; it was probably your own childhood. What was dad like?. Was he emotionally absent or otherwise unavailable?. Did you seek his approval without success?. What sort of an example did your parents set you in terms of their relationships when you were growing up?. You perhaps do not know what a healthy relationship is like mainly because no-one's ever bothered to show you what that is. Your template is therefore warped.

Are you a rescuer, people pleaser or saviour type of person?.

You need to address your inherent low self esteem and rescuer/saviour issues through counselling. It will be painful and not a quick fix but it is one sure way to unlearn all the damaging stuff you have learnt along the way. You cannot do that simply by yourself; you just end up repeating the same old.

BACP are good and do not charge the earth re counselling.

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