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Relationships

Think he's cheating again, please give me the strength to leave

32 replies

heartbrokenagain12 · 27/09/2016 22:11

Can't beleive its come to this. I have no where to turn. I have name changed as I've posted previously about being unhappy.

Been with OH for 8 years - since we were 16 - 2 kids, house, mortgage etc. young i know. He proposed this year. Anyway when we bought our house (aged 21) he tried to finish it with me out of the blue, for no reason at all. When he was seeing our son I checked his phone and found out there was someone else. I told him to leave as he had broken my heart. He went back his moms for a few weeks but eventually we got back together and he promised he would never put me through this again.

I thought things were ok, since we have had another child. We have our tiffs about house work but nothing serious. Deep down I've never gotten over him cheatin on me. Its so wrong but occasionally I check his phone bill to see who he's been texting. Im constantly paranoid its going to happen again. So the past few weeks he's been up and down with me, hot and cold and I cant bare it any longer!!!! I've asked him if there is anyone else and he just gets so angry for me accusing him and says he is sick of it.

I today checked his phone bill and have seen 5 texts sent to a number around 7pm on Friday evening. This was the night I was out with my work lot and he was at home looking after our 2 young boys. I called the number and it was a woman, i searched the number on facebok, turns out its a polish woman (looks around the same age-ish as me), and I'm guessing she works with him (though it doesnt say on her profile) as they take on a lot of polish staff. There is no way I can question him and say I've looked at his bill because he will go mad. I need more proof.

There havent been any exchange between them since Friday from what I can see but he easily could now be whatsapping her, talking to her on FB. Something here isnt right. Maybe i'm overly paranoid and its one of the guys at works GF i dont know but who am i kidding??!?!

Tonight he finishes at 10 - he called to say he is going to be about 20 - 30 mins late home because he's got to train some night staff that are taking over the shift. Dno what the hell to think now.

Today before he went to work I lay by him and he was on his phone, he told me to get off, I was like wtf I am putting my head by you before you go to work, and he said no I was about to jump on him. This upset me so I stormed off upstairs. He came up about 10 mins after and kissed me on the head and hugged me. He then went in the shower and this is when i checked the phone bill online. I couldnt contain my upset so when he got out i asked him straight if he had been talking to somoene else (as i said earlier i seen texts were sent friday). he said no and started to shout at me asking why i had flipped from being happy to this. He left the house in a massive mood with me.

I hate this misserable life of not knowing whether he is coming or going but I havent got the guts to leave. I wanted a family for my kids - I love him. Im close-ish to my mom. My friends dont go out that much. I just cant cope with this anymore.

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heartbrokenagain12 · 27/09/2016 22:16

FYI I've got a solicitor appointment tomorrow to see whrere I stand with the house. HE has no idea. We arent married but we own the house together. worth about 215k. I left work last week so he's the main earner. Please help.

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FoxyLaRoxy · 28/09/2016 07:11

Want to bump this post up for you. Sounds horrible Flowers

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Hissy · 28/09/2016 07:49

The solicitor appointment will be a very good start, sonyou van see where you are legally.

Check entitledto website too.

I'm sorry, this is awful, but you're doing the right thing, however this whole thing ends up, this is no way to live.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2016 08:00

You do not need any more proof, his actions are enough to tell you that something is badly amiss here in your relationship. Also your relationship was really and truly over when he first cheated all those years ago. You have not got over it and the whole issue was never addressed properly. Now you have seen further texts recently to another woman, seeking more proof is not necessary.

Do not either do the pick me dance or stay for the sake of the children; they are not going to say "thanks mum" for staying with him. They will call you daft instead and wonder why you have put him before them.

You are not as powerless as you think you are. Seeking legal advice is indeed a good start. He is still financially responsible for his children.

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SandyY2K · 28/09/2016 08:07

He's eroded your trust and isn't helping to make you feel secure in the relationship. I don't see that he's worth marrying TBH.

There's so much he could do to help you heal from his affair, but it seems he can't be bothered. A truly remorseful cheat would apologise to you for breaking that trust and be fully open and transparent.

I think marrying him will make it harder to leave and you should gather the strength to leave now. Put the wheels in motion.

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6demandingchildren · 28/09/2016 08:11

Wether he is cheating now or not he has originally caused your insecurity and your need to pry, it's natural.
You said you checked his phone bill and the number only appeared 5 times. That could just be a quick conversation between work colleagues I'm sure if he was having an affair with her he would call her.
I do hope you get this sorted xx

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heartbrokenagain12 · 28/09/2016 09:22

he is still being weird and so so distant. I ask him what's wrong and all he says is "I feel weird I'm sick of the accusations you keep flipping". He is constantly up and down!!!! I've now got access to his Facebook and Watsapp to try catch him out. I so want to ask him why he has been exchanging texts with this woman.. Was 5 texts between 6-7pm Friday. I don't know who the hell it is, I don't know if it's someone he works with (could may well be as she is polish). I'm so so fed up I just want to be happy again. I hate him coming home and not knowing what mood he will be in. I'm 24 and deserve so much better than this. I am madly in love with him, he was/is my first love and I'm so scared what mine and my boys life is going to be like. I asked him last night if he wanted to be with me and he just said "yeah". Just been so moody all the time. Part of me just wants to pick up the courage and tell him to get out. He would probably refuse as this is half his house.

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heartbrokenagain12 · 28/09/2016 09:25

I don't even know what to do now. He kissed me good bye this morning and never said love u. Petty but this isn't him. Me going through his stuff is not right / isn't healthy but I just want the truth. He never ever has time to cheat though this is what I don't understand. I suspect maybe an emotional affair at work ? I don't know. I had this convo a few weeks back about being worried of him running off again and he said to me "that's all behind Us now, I'm not about that anymore I want the family life". He is a good dad, he puts a roof over our head but as a husband to be he has been rubbish these past few weeks. I don't want to face the world right now.

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heartbrokenagain12 · 28/09/2016 09:26

Oh yes so I put this woman's number in his phone - he hasn't saved it. He's deleted those 5 texts.

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heartbrokenagain12 · 28/09/2016 09:27

I looked on what's app tho and she's saved his number. Something isn't right here!!!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2016 09:45

That is because things are not right.

He cheated on you before and now three years later he is doing this again. This relationship was really over the first time he did this. What more proof do you need, you are simply torturing yourself by keeping on looking for more.

You are 24 and indeed you and your children deserve better than being with a cheat. Do not be 25 and in the same position as you are now in.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2016 09:46

And no he is not a good dad either if he treats you, the mother of his children, like this. Women in bad relationships often write the "he is a good dad" comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

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6demandingchildren · 28/09/2016 13:13

Do you think you can sit him down to talk. I think that is a starting point.
Me and my hubby have been through exactly what you are going through and it's hard. I was very unbearable to live with but he knows that he caused that.
We take the time now to talk to each other and share our feelings (the hard bit)
We are not perfect but we wanted to work at our marriage and next month we are celebrating 20 years.
You need to ask yourselves do you both want to work at it xx

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SandyY2K · 28/09/2016 13:21

If you ask he'll just deny.

Either wait for proof or end it.

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heartbrokenagain12 · 29/09/2016 03:18

He said nothing had been going on blablabla and how dare I pry. He said he had been texting her about picking her up from work. He deleted her number fgs I'm not a moron - he then said he did cuz I would go mad. I said why text while I was out then - he couldn't answer. I think they've been texting tonight about the whole thing. He's told me it's over after 8 years and is sick of my prying. I feel psyically sick. I've woke up in despare with the realisation my marriage is over. I feel like I don't want to live anymore

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heartbrokenagain12 · 29/09/2016 03:19

My heart is beating so fast. He just says he doesn't know what he wants

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heartbrokenagain12 · 29/09/2016 03:29

I just can't breathe. How the hell am I going to get through this

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ohdearme1958 · 29/09/2016 03:31

I'm sorry you're so scared right now. It's a bloody awful feeling. Can you go and get in with one of the children and have a cuddle with them? I woke up afraid about something the other night and I went and sat in my 25 year old sons room. He's severely disabled and didn't know I was there but just being beside him was a great comfort to me and after a wee while I was able to go back to bed and lightly sleep until daylight when things always feel a wee bit better.

As for your husband - I think he does very much know what he wants, and it's to be single. It would also be the best thing for you but right now that's not what you want to hear and who could blame you for that.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much and that you're so scared.

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heartbrokenagain12 · 29/09/2016 03:40

We have a 1 year old and a 4 year old. My 4 year old is in bed with me. Just don't know why he is putting me through this again. He left me 3 years ago for a few weeks. Honestly I just can't cope with this feeling. He's all I've ever known.

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heartbrokenagain12 · 29/09/2016 03:44

I left work last week to finish my final year at uni. I had a feeling this was coming a few weeks ago.

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heartbrokenagain12 · 29/09/2016 03:46

I didn't eat once yesterday. I can't sleep now. He doesn't give a crap. How can I finish my final year at uni gong through this?

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ohdearme1958 · 29/09/2016 03:49

I understand everything you are saying, and feeling. I understand because I met my husband at 16 - we separated after 39 years together.

Why is he putting you through this? It's because his wants are paramount right now, they are the most important thing in the world to him, and he's either trainjng you to put up with this for years to come - or he is finding the most cowardly way possible for things to end.

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heartbrokenagain12 · 29/09/2016 03:54

I don't want it to end though even I deserve so much better than this. I have done nothing wrong. He is going to loose everything.

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heartbrokenagain12 · 29/09/2016 03:54

How did u come through it oh dear me?

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ohdearme1958 · 29/09/2016 03:55

Even without knowing youre at Uni I was thinking to myself - this girl is going to be ok. She has two kids and a mortgage at a very young age so she's obviously very smart.

I don't live in the UK so I'm not sure what help you can get but I am very sure that a few hours from now you'll get great advice from other mums/student mums in the same position as you.

And if you had a feeling this was coming - listen to what you were telling yourself about your life and take comfort from it a wee bit further down the line.

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