So fed up w being single & unwanted

[lizzieoak]

Blah. Basically been single for 11 years, prior to that had totally useless exh, after divorce had sometime fwb who blew hot & cold, we had great sex, were great pals, he did great periodic disappearing act (claimed to be in love but I suspect he's a bit of a player + has commitment issues & is generally adorable giant child). Fed up w his fuckwittedness so now no sex, no nothing. My adult daughter sometimes walks 3 miles to deliver her beloved lunch. I cannot fathom as have never had anyone who would pee on me if I was on fire. And it makes me sad.

I'm a nice person, foremost. Try to be cheery, enjoy helping people. Take care of myself, sometimes great hair, am told I'm pretty (fwb gushes about this, or would if I was speaking to him). But no-one wants me. No interest from male population whatsoever. Occasionally men smile at me, but probably no more than they would at random seagull. I briefly tried OLD but no luck. As am reasonably attractive I think it must be shite personality. Exh (granted he was very verbally abusive) told me no-one would want me, once they got to know me. I feel that's cursed me. I'm in my early 50's and just sad, sad, sad about decades of me alooooooone.

Just blah.

[User14625592]

Maybe another go at online dating is worth a go. It's not easy meeting someone by making eye contact on the street and getting a smile. The days of pulling in pubs and clubs are over for anyone over 40 and so it's either online dating, get fixed up by a mate who knows someone or join lots of clubs with men in and out yourself forward. Cycling seems the latest male obsession so maybe that!

[Myusernameismyusername]

You really have to put yourself out there. Which I know is scary but if the only way! Nice men don't just fall out of the sky.
There's an OLD thread here where we share our happy times and our woes. Come join and get yourself online x

[lizzieoak]

Blah. I suppose you're right, I just found it really uncomfortable, like I was marketing myself, which seemed so weird. I had hoped I'd meet someone through work, or my kids' schools (when they were both school age that is), through friends, or through the one social thing w larger group that I do. But no.

I find people where I live are fairly snobby and as I've been mostly in admin work since being single many men think they can do better. I'm very home-oriented, not career-minded: I read that the single most attractive word for men online is "ambitious". Yuk.

The idea of meeting lots of men with whom I have nothing in common - it just sounds soooo uncomfortable. I need to take it more lightly I guess.

Just don't feel much of a catch, though imo in theory ought to be somewhat of a catch. I'd be thoughtful if I had a partner, loving, enjoy sex lots. I feel like men want bitches? That seems to be the case w my ex's & where I feel fwb's heart is.

[Myusernameismyusername]

Noooo they don't want a bitch
And ambitious can also mean self sufficient you know. You wouldn't want an unambitious man yourself tho right?
You have had all the wrong men.
You need to market yourself honestly to find the right kind of men who treat you nicely.
Honestly come over to the OLD thread here and join us. We all have different stories and situations but positivity and confidence is what is most attractive

[HappyAxolotl]

Just checking to say you aren't alone - I feel exactly the same way! Single nearly all of my adult life. Never get a sniff of male attention IRL and pretty fed up of being the only one not chatted up when I do go out. Everyone else I know seems to be single for about 5 minutes between actual relationships.

But I am giving the OLD a go, have had a couple of dates which didn't work out but were still enjoyable company for a few hours, some other men I've swapped messages with but decided not to pursue, and yep getting a few likes and winks. I feel it is doing my self-esteem some good.

This is Match.com. It's a pay site and there seems to be some truth in the idea that people paying are more serious about wanting relationships. OKCupid is free and I found that one awful!

Plus for some reason I'm starting to notice men I like the look of IRL - I'm usually one of those people who fancies someone once every few years! Maybe my mindset is starting to shift into actually wanting and feeling ready for a partner in my life therefore actively seeing potentials at last?

[lizzieoak]

Thanks you too! And much as I think "desperate for companionship, will take anyone", when I look online I think almost none of them look my type! They either look a bit thick or very corporate. Both of which can be sweet, I'm sure, but not me.

I think I was fairly confident when I was first divorced, but years of fwb's flip flopping & lack of interest from anyone else (+ exh's voice in my head) has just added up to make me sad - more often than not I'm blue & if I'm not blue it's very temporary.

I'll have a look at the thread, myusername, thanks :)

[lizzieoak]

Whoops, meant "you two" above, my phone hates me & does typos to make me look illiterate.

[Myusernameismyusername]

I've been single for bloody years too. Apart from the odd complete knobber

[lizzieoak]

Most men I know are single for 2 minutes in between relationships. Most women it's bloody years. Who are these men pairing off with?

[Ifihadmytimeagain]

younger women by the looks of things.

[lizzieoak]

Karma, it's not looks so much as interests. If a man's photos are him reading potboilers or only fishing and playing sports, he's not my type, I don't think we'd have much to talk about. Ditto metrosexuals who are "entrepreneurs". I just doubt we'd gel. They don't have to be drop-dead gorgeous, just a little boho as that's the kind of guy I can chat to. A man who is not put off by a smart woman.

[EBearhug]

I have been single for a million years. The only relationships I have had have been distance ones. Last time I tried OLD, I had no responses. Although I'm overweight, I don't think I'm too bad-looking. But I don't know that I'd have time for a relationship now, what with work and various activities and seeing friends on weekends. Plus I am used to having my own space, and on very social weeks, I end up needing time alone. And I am not prepared to put up with any crap, because I know I'm fine by myself. I miss sex and I'd like a hug from time to time, but not with just anyone who seems to be available, so it appears to be no one.

[EBearhug]

So it's not just you. And it's not just women - there are quite a few single men at work. In most cases, I have no interest in changing that.

[lizzieoak]

I may be wrong, but it seems to me that it used to be assumed people should partner up so singles were pretty rare. When I was a kid, widows/widowers and the divorced got remarried pretty sharpish. Now we just as often stay single. And some of us get used to it. I just haven't. To be honest, it's loneliness but part of it is also a deep pit of worry that I'm not loveable, that as the exh said, no-one will choose me. So the longer it goes on, the more that idea feels confirmed. Logical mind says it's probably not true, heart says ouch.

[lizzieoak]

Karma, that's a good point about how people write a profile. And I don't mind if the man wants to watch soccer or baseball every weekend, it's more that when the game is not on we need to have similar ways of looking at things. Where I live people are very into the great outdoors. I'm not. I'm from here but should have been born in NYC People are really unsettled that I don't want to go camping for example. So I'm looking for another square peg who doesn't fit into this area's round hole.

[lizzieoak]

Thanks Karma. I've had counselling but both were time-limited counsellors for abused women. I didn't get fixed in the brief time allotted (plus second counsellor, while nice, did not really ask the right questions to make me think). I do have to look into getting more counselling.

I don't live in the UK anymore - I'd totally be up for country walks if I did! The wilderness here is more "never seen again as murdered by a 7 foot bear" kind of thing. Although I'm from here, it scares me. An hour outside the city & you could (& people do) get off the trail for a minute & then are never seen again. I'm more a nice hotel holiday kind of woman!

[lizzieoak]

And yes! I'm trying to steer myself back to the idea that that square peg, non-alkie, non-player, sweetheart is out there. Giving up depresses me.