Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Exdp is not going to pick DD up from school - WWYD?

(82 Posts)
ListenToYourHeart Tue 27-Sep-16 12:42:18

Apologies in advance if this is long, but I'm really at a loss of what to do.

Will try get all the facts out there as to not drip feed etc.

Exdp and I have DD who is 6, we broke up when she was 3 due to him repeadetedly cheating, he was controlling, manipulating, emotionally and physically abusive. We had a very messy break up with police, solicitors and courts involved.

Eventually after a long battle he agreed to seeing DD 2 days a week, picking her up from school at 3:00pm and dropping her to my work at 6:00pm. The manipulating never stopped, and only got worse when he found out I was in a serious relationship, he has constantly tried to guilt trip me into getting back with him, he has put all the blame on me, won't accept he was physically abusive on more than one occasion and that I had the right to leave due to that alone.

Thanks to Mumsnet, friends, family and my wonderful DP, I have managed to realise I can ignore the maniupulating and emotionally abusive texts now but god it has been hard, and there is still probably around once a month when I crack and he gets to me.

Fast forward to now, I have a great relationship with current dp and currently 26 weeks pregnant.

Since exdp found out I was pregnant the nastiness has been ramped up, he then said last week that due to my actions (falling pregnant) I will have to suffer the consequences of him not seeing DD anymore, he told DD last Thursday that he will not be seeing her anymore once the baby is born because of Mummy. I explained to DD that it is not my fault, I wanted him to continue seeing her and have done nothing to stop that happening, and would never do anything to stop him picking her up from school on his 2 days. I don't think she fully understands that he plans to stop seeing her whenver he finds out the baby is born.

So anyway today is his usual day to pick her up, I work full time and the arrangement the past year and half has been he picks her up Tuesday and Thursday, and my mum picks her up Monday, Wednesday and Friday. There has been many days when he has texted last minute or the day before to say he can't have her, on these occasions my mum has stepped in and picked her up or I have had to leave work last minute, which is now starting to cost me my job as there has just been one too many times I've had to leave and apologise last minute, walk out on meetings/clients etc.

Over the weekend I had a chain of messages from him, all pointing out how I was ruining his life by having another baby, I had ruined our daughters life by leaving and not giving her a complete family. I ignored all these texts as I'm already stressed out and had been advised by my midwife to start taking it easy.

Now to yesterday, I recieve a text saying can my mum pick DD up on Tuesday as he can't do it now, I said I would ask. Asked my mum and she said she can't due to a appointment at 2:45pm, I said understood. I let exdp know straight away and said that if he called around child minders he may be able to find someone but it's very last minute and all the ones I know have no vacancies.

He replied and said he would sort it, but may be 45 minutes late to the school, I said I think it would be best he calls the school as I don't think they can just wait, he said not to worry he will sort it.

Then at 3:00am I recieve a text... About 6 pages long but basically saying how he can't live without me anymore and if I am choosing to live my life with someone else and start a new family then its best he says goodbye to me and DD now.

I replied when I woke up and said seriously just pick DD up at 3:00pm and stop messing around as there is no one else to get her at short notice, and that if he ain't there to pick her up then the school will be phoning him as they know Tuesday's is his day.

He has chose not to reply.

What do I do? I have asked everyone I can but no one can get there at short notice, if I leave work I will be leaving them in the shit as I work for a small company, the only other memeber of staff is off on holiday. I'm so worried if I have to leave early today I will lose my job which is depended on to help pay the bills.

But what else can I do? I'm not sure if I should leave work at 2:00pm so that I am at the school causing less distress for DD if he don't turn up, or if I should wait it out and see if the school call me to say no one has turned up for DD, but then I will have to leave work anyway and will take me around 45mins-1hour to get to the school.

I'm actually sat in work on the verge of tears which is probably hormonal but I just can't believe he would do this to DD.

Any advice at all would be appreciated, whether it be with the current situation with the school or with what I should tell DD about him stopping seeing her.

PotteringAlong Tue 27-Sep-16 12:45:03

saying how he can't live without me anymore and if I am choosing to live my life with someone else and start a new family then its best he says goodbye to me and DD now.

I'd call the police first of all because that sounds to me like he's going to commit suicide. And I would go and pick her up.

MycatsaPirate Tue 27-Sep-16 12:49:44

Your poor DD. What a fucking arsehole of a father he is.

Honestly? I'd look into finding permanent childcare for DD and stop contact with her dad. He sees her 6 hours a week and uses that as a hold over you. He's an utter tool and really doesn't care about his DD, he's using her to get at you.

I think you need to talk to work and explain that your ex is being difficult, ask if you can leave early today and apologise profusely and then as a matter or urgency find an after school club or childminder for your DD on the two days your mum can't pick her up.

I'd also look at getting a non-mol order to stop him harrassing you. He is a nasty man who only cares about himself and doesn't seem able to accept that you aren't under his control. You can also get your DD included in the order to stop her being messed about as well. If he wants contact then let him take you to Court and you can offer contact via a contact centre.

God only knows what he's telling her when he's already told her that he can't see her anymore and it's your fault for having a baby. Fucks sake.

BlackeyedSusan Tue 27-Sep-16 12:49:53

do you know any mum friends who could pick her up for you? sure many people would in an emergency as long as you do not regularly take the piss with favours. (which sounds like you aren't)

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood Tue 27-Sep-16 12:55:26

I'm with pottering. It's a possible suicide threat (not saying he'd do it, but he's clearly disturbed and it should be checked out). So, I would:

1. Call the police and tell them you think he might be threatening suicide. They can then go check on him.

2. Collect your daughter from school (or send someone else - anyone else you trust). Even if he does arrive to collect, at this pint of probably ring the school and say she must not be released to him due to his earlier threat as he sounds very unstable.

gallicgirl Tue 27-Sep-16 12:55:34

Is the contact beneficial to your daughter?
I really can't see how it is at the moment and would be looking to find permanent childcare for after school and offering other contact arrangements.

ListenToYourHeart Tue 27-Sep-16 12:55:54

He isn't going to commit sucide, he's said similiar a thousand times before.

The first few times when he said similiar I called his parents (he lives at home), on one occassion I made a massive fool of myself calling his parents to say I was worried about his mental health due to a text I had just recieved as they was currently all out to dinner and I could hear exdp laughing and joking in the background.

Nakupenda Tue 27-Sep-16 12:57:20

Honestly you need him out of yours and DD's life.
I'd never recommend someone keep their children away from the other parent but this man is manipulating you and your daughter.

You stood up for yourself, and left him no longer allowing yourself to be emotionally abused and manipulated - stop letting him do it to your daughter.

Find a permanent solution with childcare and tell him he no longer has any days. Inform the school he's no longer allowed to pick her up and only until he proves he can stop being a fucking cunt manipulative twat can he start seeing her again.

greenfolder Tue 27-Sep-16 12:58:35

i would arrange and pay for childcare on those days. stop his control. if you are 26 weeks, it will only be for a few weeks. is there an afterschool club? Pay for her to go to it.

Love51 Tue 27-Sep-16 12:59:10

What would I do? Detach from him, he's Ni longer my responsibility. Advice I've seen here is to get a new number, so he is the only person still using the old one, then you only pick up that phone when you ate feeling strong (or let your mum /dp deal with it and only pass on information not emotional blackmail).
The I would book dd into after school club. If there isn't one, get a childminder. In the meantime get new dp to do a couple of pick ups, it isn't good for the family for you to do so many duck-outs. Or phone a friend. Afterschool club best though, I relax more with paid childcare than favours.

Noodoodle Tue 27-Sep-16 12:59:16

What an utter twat he is to do that. Can your mum pick up after her appointment if you tell the school, they know what you're going through? Is there an afterschool club dd can sit in on?

mouldycheesefan Tue 27-Sep-16 12:59:55

He said he wanted to stop the visits with dd so fine, let them stop, you wouldn't want her being looked after by a nutter anyway. Ask your mum to do today or another mum from school.
Make alternative arrangements for future.
Go back to,solicitor show the messages and get access withdrawn. Tell school he is not allowed to pick her up and ring police if he tries. Continuing with all this crap is doing your dd no favours.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Tue 27-Sep-16 13:00:22

I would stop contact and see a solicitor before your mental and physical health suffer even more. .
After school club?
Another mother you could return the favour for? Doesn't sound like he is adding anything positive to your dd life. .

Lilacpink40 Tue 27-Sep-16 13:02:03

Agree with others. Make ither arrangements. You will be on maternity break soon?

sonjadog Tue 27-Sep-16 13:05:06

I think you would be better off taking him up on his offer to break off contact, find someone else to take care off your DD after school those two days, and getting on with your lives without him. Is 6 hours a week really worth the distress he is causing you and presumably also your DD?

sonjadog Tue 27-Sep-16 13:06:35

And as the others say, go back to the solicitor and get these messages stopped. You only need and respond to contact with short factual information from now on.

ListenToYourHeart Tue 27-Sep-16 13:08:25

Thank you for all the replies flowers

I've texted 2 mums at the school who's numbers I have, none have replied yet.

I've texted DP to see if he can get out of work early, just waiting on a reply, his boss is more understanding but again depends on if dp is in meetings.

She was in paid childcare on Tuesday & Thursday but because exdp said he couldn't see her on weekends I stupidly removed her from the paid childcare for him to see her.

She has her name on the waiting list for the one after school club that does pick ups from her school but they don't have any spaces at the moment.

I think all those who have said contact needs to stop are right, I've believed it was always best for DD to see her dad, but maybe after all it's more damaging than good.

Lunar1 Tue 27-Sep-16 13:08:31

You need to collect her today, and make other arrangements from now on. He will have to go to court if he wants to start contact again.

salsamad Tue 27-Sep-16 13:11:35

I think you really have to plan to collect your daughter today.
Does the school have an after school club you could use or is there one locally who could help out. Have you tried any of your DDs school friends Mums who might be able to help out as a favour. Would you DP be able to leave work early today?
I really don't think contact should continue under these circumstances, as your Ex is being higly manipulative and coercive with both you and your DD. I think you need to get in touch with a solicitor re the contact and the emotional abuse you are still receiving from your Ex ( you need to screen shot/save all txt sand emails).
If contact is to continue then a new long term plan needs to be organised without including any school pick ups, as this is causing upset and stress to you and no doubt to your DD. If your DM can't help out 5 afternoons then maybe organise an after school club for 1 or 2 days.
I think you need to try and be matter of fact when you reply to his abusive manipulative txt rants and don't get into conversations with him - keep it short and to the point. If he wants to end all contact then let him - it's his choice, I know it would be very sad for your DD but does she really need to be growing up around such a nasty, difficult man.
flowers for you .

mouldycheesefan Tue 27-Sep-16 13:11:50

Make sure school know he is not allowed to pick her up. Childminder could be another option to consider.
💐 childcare is hard enough to juggle without this

Mum4Fergus Tue 27-Sep-16 13:20:43

I totally empathise-having exactly same issues. I resorted at weekend to withdrawing my permission for X to see DS. I've arranged with work to temporarily reduce my hours and on waiting list for wrap around care at the school...

Can your DP help with pick up ?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 27-Sep-16 13:26:54

I think you respond 'thanks for letting me know you no longer wish contact with DD. I have informed school that you will no longer pick her up and have made alternative arrangements.' Then you block his number

Then you get someone to pick her up today, even if it means having a crying jag in your boss's office. You sort out paid childcare, you inform school that he no longer is authorised to pick DD up and to call the police if he turns up.

Essentially, you get over today's inconvenience, you take him at face value and you thank the Goddess that you have finally got this abusive shit out of your and your DD's life.

lalaloopyhead Tue 27-Sep-16 13:27:12

As already said, make alternative arrangements for your DD and get this man out of your lives. Show him he is not needed and that he can't mess up your plans, he has no hold over you. He is not thinking about his DD at all, he could be causing lasting damage making comments to her like he has.

No doubt if you change arrangements he will bleat on about how your are stopping contact, but just ignore or let his family know the real reasons.
Your dd needs stability and lots of reassurance

TheTyrannyOfMAGENTA Tue 27-Sep-16 13:31:55

Sounds as if it is best to stop did seeing him. Better now than when baby is born and she then associates it with the baby.

t4nut Tue 27-Sep-16 13:34:03

This is just another facet of control for him to exercise. Sadly I think you need to make arrangements that do not include him at all.

Like a small child any kind of response is attention - even if it is negative attention for bad behaviour. As tiring and wearing as its going to be if he's going to play silly buggers there needs to be a court agreement for contact that he sticks to, or none at all.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now