Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I still havent left

(31 Posts)
Crystalnoir Mon 26-Sep-16 22:17:14


I posted a few months ago, you may remember, i was all set to leave partner providing i got a promotion and passed my driving test. I didnt do either.
2 days before i failed my test, partner lost his job.
The day i failed my test i came home to a phonecall from my brother saying my mum had another fall and possibly broken her hip (she has been very ill this year and i have also been helping my dad care for her) I went to see her the next day and called an ambulance myself as she is so stubborn that she will not let anyone help her, and eventually got her to hospital where she had a partial hip replacement. while in hospital she suffered a severe stroke and now requires 24 hour nursing care. There have been a few times we thought we would lose her.
I also still work around 30 hrs per week and my daughter recently started school.

All this has made it extremely difficult to leave.

It has now been 8 weeks since partner lost his job, he has made no effort what so ever to find a job, until yesterday when his mum forced him to apply for some online.
I have found jobs in the paper and he hasnt bothered to apply for any of them.
The other day I gave him £50, £20 for petrol and £30 for food, and to go to aldi specifically, he didnt, he spent £20 on weed and £30 in the co op, where you get half the stuff you can get in aldi for the same price!
He also told me that part of the reason he didnt get a job was because i am so emotionally unstable he doesnt feel like he can in case i need him, but he's happy to let me go to work full time and and juggle my daughter and trips to the hospital while he sits on his arse and plays xbox! He does nothing around the house, doesnt even take the dog for a walk once a day, and moans if i ask him to pick me up/drop me to hospital.

I know i need to leave, i am just so anxious about actually doing it, and telling him. He is always in the house i dont know how i can pack without him knowing, i know he is going to make it difficult for me, i think i should speak to his mum, as she always understands, again it how as he is always around.

And to top it all off we have litterally no money, to the point where his mum bought us our weekly shop.

Thanks for reading this far, didnt want to drip feed.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 26-Sep-16 22:24:17

Maybe speak to his mother about him moving back with her. It is great she is buying you food but that's why he is spending all your money because he knows she will step in and be a grown up. Unlike man child there on his x box! Get it down to one of those cash convertor shops and get some shopping in. Then help him pack. He isn't bringing anything positive to your life.

gamerchick Mon 26-Sep-16 22:26:20

£20 on weed

Game over right there.

Why do you have to leave you have a child? You need advice.

In the meantime don't give him any more money.

ilovelamp82 Mon 26-Sep-16 22:29:56

Why would you leave? Can't you ask him to leave? You have a lot on your plate. The idea of 'going through a break up' sounds like one more thing to deal with but I think you'll be amazed how quickly you'll gset over it. Loving with resentment makes everything else in life a million times harder to deal with. Get rid and start looking after yourself and the people that actually need looking after, not this loser. You deserve better.

ilovelamp82 Mon 26-Sep-16 22:30:42

Sorry for typos

Crystalnoir Mon 26-Sep-16 22:31:37

His mum and stepdad wont have him back, he is an actual nightmare to live with.
I will go to my dads, sorry should of said that. its his house, he owns it.

Crystalnoir Mon 26-Sep-16 22:38:40

Its just how to deal with the anxiety and guilt i think, i know i have nothing to feel guilty about, but the feeling is still there, and my anxiousness as i can imagine how he will react. We have split couple of times and i have always felt so guilty i have gone back.

gamerchick Mon 26-Sep-16 22:41:09

Then time to plan, get your ducks in a row one by one and do a bit at a time. He can't stop you leaving him and if he does physically try then get him lifted so you can leave in peace.

gamerchick Mon 26-Sep-16 22:42:05

Then think of your child. She's not worth less than him.

ilovelamp82 Mon 26-Sep-16 22:44:52

Yet he doesn't feel guitly watching you work, look after your ill parents, and your child while he spends the money you earn on weed instead of food for the family. Why do you value him more than yourself when he doesn't give you the same courtesy? I know yoir self esteem must be on the floor and you must be knackered and stressed but this is not a situation that is going to get better until you take the plunge.

Get yourself and your daughter away from this guy pronto.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 27-Sep-16 09:14:08

How will he react? How would you like to react to his reaction?

Crystalnoir Tue 27-Sep-16 09:14:33

Nope he doesnt feel guilty at all. Always telling me how much he loves me and cant live without me, but does nothing to show me, and throws a tatrum if i dare go out with my friends as i his words 'i never get to do anything i just sit around all day waiting for you to come home' and 'you never wanna do anything with me' but when i ask what he wants to do he just says 'i dunno' and doesnt like any suggestions i make.
Anyway thats not the point, the point is how do i get over my anxiety and just leave.

ilovelamp82 Tue 27-Sep-16 10:16:32

You need to just believe that your anxiety will go once you've left him. The best way to force yourself is to tell people. Your family. They will support you and give you strength and determination.

adora1 Tue 27-Sep-16 17:31:34

Jesus, what a soul destroying waster of a man, you must get rid of him OP, he's going to bleed you dry and emotionally and mentally do you in, that simple.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 27-Sep-16 18:01:28

I think I remember a prior thread under a different name? IIRC you were a bit surprised at how supportive your parents (maybe it was just your dad?) were considering their health issues? The parents not having him back rings a strong bell. You tried to ask them and they flat out said he was your problem, right?

Just leave. Go to your parents. It may be crowded but you're better off there. There is nothing where you are that is worth keeping.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 27-Sep-16 18:02:04

Apologies if I have the wrong poster. But my advice still stands!

CiderwithBuda Tue 27-Sep-16 18:09:15

Did he feel guilty for buying weed instead of food and petrol? I doubt it!

Do NOT feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You are a grown up. A mother with responsibilities. He is a drain.

Your life will be so much easier without him.

MatildaTheCat Tue 27-Sep-16 18:10:16

Would it make it any easier if you mentally reframe your move as 'going to stay with dad for a while' even though you are actually leaving?

You have obviously rehearsed this situation a thousand times over, do you have anyone in RL to support you through the physical move? He honestly sounds quite dreadful, I cannot conceive of why tou feel guilty even in the slightest. The fact that his own parents won't have him back even temporarily speaks volumes.

Lweji Tue 27-Sep-16 18:27:53

Yes, consider it as a temporary move, then take one day at a time not moving back.
Until you don't feel the need to go back. Then find your own place.

Could you ask your dad not to let you go back?

tribpot Tue 27-Sep-16 18:43:34

Could you ask your dad to lend you the money to rent a little storage space for a month, so that you can start getting stuff out of the house bit at a time?

Then I think you need your dad to come round whilst you calmly tell him you are going - you grab what you can and you go. Whatever you leave behind can be replaced in time.

Crystalnoir Tue 27-Sep-16 21:26:23

My dad is happy for me to go back home and he has enough room for me and my daughter to have a room each, the house is a bit cluttered but he is slowly sorting it.
His parents point blank refuse to let him go back to theirs.
I think i will be able to go thursday, if he goes fishing.

tribpot Tue 27-Sep-16 21:52:55

I wouldn't have him back if I were his parents, he sounds like a barnacle but less useful.

Try not to give any hints about your intentions, I think he will not go fishing if he thinks you're going to make a bolt for it.

Crystalnoir Tue 27-Sep-16 22:02:34

I wont let him know anything, He has been overly nice to me the last few days so things are calm at the moment.

nicenewdusters Tue 27-Sep-16 22:59:13

He's being nice because he senses you may have had enough this time. Of course he doesn't want you to go, because he won't have anyone to look after him. His own mum and dad very sensibly don't want him in their house.

I do so hope you go on Thursday to your dad's home. Your partner sounds really horrible. I suspect that a lot of your anxiety will leave when you do.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 28-Sep-16 01:02:01

Will you have a chance to gather together your important documents and papers and get them out of the house before Thursday? Maybe get some clothing and things over to your dad's or hidden in the car before then? That way on Thursday you can just make up some story about running an errand and you and DD can leave.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now