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Friend got together with ex and now they're having a kid together. How to handle?

(30 Posts)
Londonmamabychance Mon 26-Sep-16 22:03:10

I know this is in a way a strange thing to ask others, because it mainly has to do with my emotions. Still, I feel I need to get a bit of a wider opinion on this.

So long story short, my best friend got together with my ex from a 4 year long relationship, whom I left now 7 years ago. He kind of broke my heart by cheating on me and I had a hard time moving on from him, even though I was the one who left him. Something my friend was aware of. I am now happily married with one kid and another on the way, so it's not like I'm pining for the ex in question, but we never reconciled after quite a dramatic and abrupt break up with consisted of me leaving the UK and going back to my native country in order to break up with him. I later returned to UK where I met my now husband. My friend lives in my native country and she only got in touch with said ex because he went there for a weekend trip, and in prep for it contacted me out of the blue after all those years and asked for tips and if it was okay for him to meet up with some of my friends, including said friend. I said of course and gave him loads of tips. Subsequently (two months after) my friend emailed me and told me they'd fallen in love and were dating long distance. And that she hoped I would be happy for them. She showed no understanding that I may find the situation weird or difficult. I told her I wished the best for their future together but that it was too weird for me to hang around their relationship. Subsequently my ex called me up and had a go at me for not accepting the situation, and indirectly accused me of being unhappy in my own life and for that reason not being happy for them. Which is neither here nor there and also absolutely not true. The whole conversation was very aggressive and a proper row which reminded me what a d* he can be. It also sounded to me
Like he had unresolved issues with me.

Now my friend mails me and tell me that she knows that I asked not to be involved, but that she felt it would be too weird if I heard it from other mutual friends that they're expecting a baby together. In many ways I'm not surprised as I had a feeling this may happen given she has been desperate to meet a man and start a family for years, something I always genuinly wished for her and supported her in. I always told her to try and go for better guys than the problematic
Ones she had a tendency to choose. I just never expected she'd go for this particular ex of mine.

I fee so sad about the whole situation, because I feel happy for her that she is finally having the child she wanted for so long and has apparently found love, but I also fee strange that it's with him. Also I fee doubtful their relationship
Last, them now expecting a baby, from what I can calculate she must have got pregnant after them being together for only 3 months. Also I know his personality and hers and am surprised they can make it work at all, and me even sitting here and passing judgment on them and their chances of making it together feels completely wrong, but it's so hard not to.

I also fee sad because she is my best friend and it would be wonderful for us to have babies at the same time and be able to share this. We have been friend since we were 15. So I really want to find a way to overcome my negative emotions about this. I think my main negative emotion is that my ex treated me like shit and I chose to leave him and get him out of my life, and now I have no choice but to accept him back into my life, even if it's only on the outskirts of it, if I want to keep my friend in my life. I also feeL that it will be very difficult for me to remain neutral in conversation with her if she would start talking about him. And how can you be friends and not talk about your resiinship? But I also fee that I am perhaps being small minded and selfish to even feel upset about it, when they are apparently happy and in love and have now decided to have a family together! Any advice on how to proceed?

crazyhead Mon 26-Sep-16 22:33:55

Your relationship was a long time ago. It might help you to work out what's stopping you letting go of this situation, because ultimately, you didn't want this bloke 7 years ago - you ended it. And he may have grown up a lot in the intervening period - he may be a great partner for your friend now.

I do get it. It's a bit different but I split up with a man after a long relationship (like you, I ended it, but upsetting split) who remained part of my university friendship group. He got together with a woman and they had a baby just at the time that all my university friends were having them - I was single at that time. I found the whole thing really hard. I felt like I wanted my territory back, and found it hard to cope with. But my feelings stemmed from unhappiness at that time and have now completely evaporated. I am now glad for my ex and his partner and enjoy chatting to them at social occasions. He wasn't right for me but is for her.

I think if you knew and let go of what's causing this block, your difficult feelings would evaporate too. are you feeling odd because this is somehow part of a life from back home, which you aren't part of now? Or have you not fully let go of something he did or said? Because after this time, this is about you and not your ex or friend.

There's also an element of fake it till you make it. I tried to be warm and welcoming to my ex and his partner even when I didn't feel it, and now that's genuinely what I feel. You don't have to talk in depth about the relationship with your friend but you can be kind and civil.

The thing is, give it a bit of time, and your ex will truly feel like your friend's bloke to you and you'll half forget you were ever with him.

Luvjubs Tue 27-Sep-16 10:06:58

Do you know what I'd do? If it was my best friend from age 15 m, I would go to a couple of counselling aessiobs and have some CBT. Yes your ex may be an arse. He may treat her the same. It's a weird situation. However changing your thought process on them may enable you to keep an important relationship. I think CBT really does help.

Luvjubs Tue 27-Sep-16 10:07:42

Sorry for typos my phone is rubbish. It's supposed to say counselling sessions

Londonmamabychance Tue 27-Sep-16 10:19:29

Thanks, Crazyhead! your response really helped me. I think you're right that fake it till you make it is a good approach.

I also think you're right that what's causing the block is that I haven't let go of the hurt he caused me. Even after all these years, I still somehow hold a grudge, which is stupid, but he really hurt me and I now feel it's weird that he is going to build a life with my friend. I also can't helt but doubt that he is good for her, because he hurt me so much, and from the conversation that we had on the phone he did not seem to have changed. But maybe he and I just have a v bad dynamic that flares up easily again, and he has a better dynamic with her, I truly hope so.

It's not the case that I feel weird it is part of my life back home I am no longer part of, as he still lives in London and she in my home city in another country, I have no idea what their plans are, I assume one of them will be moving.

I also think it is difficult beause it is this particular friend. With someone else it may have been easier. I guess we have always had a bit of a competitive relationship, while at the same time being close. But I think there have been elements of jealosy. Also, she has cauased trouble before by e.g. at my weddign first fliritng with my DH's cousin and then rebuffing him and even asking for my help in rebuffing him in the days after the wedding where we all went on a trip together, after having insitgated it herself, and then moving on to getting off with one of my friends and DH's best friends in the following days, causing loads of drama, which if I have to be frank, found a bit annoying having to deal with on my wedding. This may sound selfish and petty, but it's just that she has a flair for drama, and always seems to create it and pull me into it in ways I don't like. My friend she got off with was in a relationship and I subsequenlty had to put a straight face to his girlfriend and feel bad about that. She also flirted with my father in law, who, admittedly, is completely inappropriate himself when drunk so it's mainly his fault, but she knows this and yet she has on several occassions encouraged him to get drunk, giving him shots, well knowing that he would then become inappropriate and DH and I would have to deal with the situation.

So in a way I feel like I just want to cut her and all her drama out of my life, but she is also a huge amount of fun and very caring and loyal in many other ways, and we have been friends for so long, and tbh, I miss her since I stopped talking to her and feel like a shit for not just accepting this situation. I reall want to be a better person than that.

Londonmamabychance Tue 27-Sep-16 10:21:57

thanks, Luvjubs, it's a good idea, I don't have any time for CBT at the moment with pregnancy and a toddler and full time work, but maybe I could read some stuff on it that would help me.

pictish Tue 27-Sep-16 10:37:45

I agree that you need to let go of the hurt he caused you.
Basically, two selfish, egotistical people you know have taken an impulsive and intense path together. They both have form. This is who they are. That it might all come crashing down is their don't need to worry about it.

witchywoohoo Tue 27-Sep-16 10:45:28

She sounds like a pain. Honestly, I would e-mail them both telling them you are delighted that they are happy and are expecting a child but see no reason for you all to be friends given that you haven't been friends with your ex for a number of years and your friend has been living in a different country. Then delete, block and concentrate on your family and your life.

Why is it so important for them to have your blessing? My guess is they are rather enjoying you feeling uncomfortable - especially the unsolicited and aggressive phone call from your ex.

pictish Tue 27-Sep-16 11:05:05

I don't think seeking your blessing is even personal...mad though that sounds. She sees you as a cameo on her show.
London enters stage left...

Be cool and breezy. Humour her.

Londonmamabychance Tue 27-Sep-16 12:20:58

I guess you're right, Pictish, I don't need to worry about it, but it's ahrd because I do genunly care for my friend, annoying as she may be, and find it hard to let go of my anger towards my ex, though this has helped me to see I REALLY need to let it go. I have a good life now and have no reason to keep brooding over ancient hurt. Also, you're spot on she sees me as part of her show and I don't need to accept playing that role.

Witchy, that's sort of what I did when she first contacted me, told them I was happy for them and good luck but I didn't want any part of it. Also delted them both from social media. Her contacting me again with this news has just borught it back up for me.

Londonmamabychance Tue 27-Sep-16 12:21:59

actually, me deleting my friend from facebook was what specifically prompted the angry call from my ex..

DoreenLethal Tue 27-Sep-16 12:31:00

You can use the classic non emotional response 'Thanks for the info'. And no more.

I agree with Pictish's analysis.

Aussiemum78 Tue 27-Sep-16 12:42:56

Both sound like dramas. Do they even keep in touch when they aren't trying to provoke you into some kind of reaction?

I would wish them well with no drama then distance myself completely, just lose touch. Otherwise there's a baby, a marriage...things that will keep the drama alive.

I think she sounds like a frenemy. An insecure, jealous one.

TheNaze73 Tue 27-Sep-16 12:46:02

I know I'm going to sound d fashioned but, you should end your friendship with her. Getting together with one of your ex's, however long ago it was, is unforgivable. You just don't do that.

Resideria Tue 27-Sep-16 12:46:15

You're obvously a very kind, genuine friend. However, even if your friend was worth the try (and she doesn't seem to be) this situation is not one that can be 'fixed'. I agree with previous poster, send a breezy reply, then cut them out of your life.

Londonmamabychance Tue 27-Sep-16 13:40:48

I am so glad that so many of you are saying this! Some of the people I spoke to about this seemed to think that me feeling weird about the situation and being upset was me being oversensitive and even implied I may have feelings for my ex and that my frustration with this is caused by jealosy. I will admit that a small part of me feels annoyed that she has somehow "taken" a part of my past that I did not want to share with her, and has disturbed the grave I had dug for the memory of my time with my ex. And a small and very insecure part of me feels upset that some guy who used to fancy me now fancies her. Even though I left him and count my blessings every day for my lovely DH and that feeling is so childish. And I guess it is these sort of shameful emotions that makes it hard for me to feel justified in just cutting my friend out of my life, that tells me I am doing it for the wrong reasons.

But it is a shit and impossible situation.

I guess that I was in a way hoping they just wouldn't last and my friend and I could mend the ties and have some kind of friendship again in the future, however damaged it may be. She knows my parents and sister and I know her entire family very well too, so it really feels sad to loose her. But now when there's a bay in the picture she will be forever connected to my ex, and I don't think that constellation can work.

Cary2012 Tue 27-Sep-16 17:04:37

You know OP it's perfectly ok not to be ok with this!

You feel the way you feel, and whether or not others would have moved on and would handle it better, doesn't matter, because they're not you.

I think you should do as advised, and cut them out of your life. They are part of the past, so need leaving there. Whatever the motivation behind contacting you doesn't matter because you've decided to walk away. So a quick 'thanks for letting me know, hope all goes well,' then ignore and block is fine. If they enjoy drama, let them create it without you. Good luck

AyeAmarok Tue 27-Sep-16 18:58:29

OP I also think it's entirely reasonable that you feel like you do, right down to what you confess in your last post - I think most people would feel that way even a little bit. And I think the fact that you were so hurt at the time (even though it was all those years ago) is why you feel it a little bit more acutely. Totally understandable.

However, I agree completely with Pictish, these are two people who just love drama, and love causing drama about themselves and have a constant need to encourage drama to feed their ego. Imagine being one of them in this relationship, it would be HELL!

It's never going to be a good, happy, stable mutually supportive relationship, like you have with your DH.

Even if you were to stay friends with your friend, you'll probably never be told the turmoil of their relationship because she'll only tell you the good bits because she has to win and beat you. She'll tell you all about how much he loves her, and the amazing sex that he can't get enough of, and all the showy presents he's (been coerced into) buying her. And anything she remembers you saying you wanted him to do for you, she'll tell you he does them for her...

Then you'll be tortured by it all.

It won't be true, it really won't. It'll just be said to make her feel better about herself. But that's why you need to take a step back from the friendship, because it won't be a healthy dynamic between the two of you, FOR YOU. And you have more important things to occupy yourself with smile

Anicechocolatecake Tue 27-Sep-16 19:05:19

I would struggle with this. I can't imagine getting together with the ex partner of a friend when he'd cheated on her and hurt her badly. Being cheated on does cause deep set, long lasting problems and i'm not surprised you still hurt.

I'd offer my congratulations and cut ties. It's too complicated. I hope he doesn't hurt her but she's most likely made a poor judgement call and that's her business.

HerFaceIsaMapOfTheWorld Tue 27-Sep-16 19:07:59

I did not read the long post but your friend is no friend

mmmuffins Tue 27-Sep-16 19:14:28

I think it would be totally understandable to detach from this friendship. I suspect it's what I would do.

ddrmum Tue 27-Sep-16 19:26:50

Perhaps he sought her out because of her closeness to you? This would explain his anger at you blocking your friend on social media. Whatever, as mentioned she's a frenemy. Wish them well and enjoy your happiness. They can keep their dramas to themselves. flowers for you

Kittencatkins123 Tue 27-Sep-16 19:45:27

Yep, I'd cut the friend and ex out completely and get on with the rest of your lovely, happy, drama free life. You don't have to feel bad for feeling uncomfortable with this - she should feel bad for getting together and settling down with a significant ex who hurt you a great deal. The fact that she didn't apologise or attempt to see this from your POV makes it even clearer that she is not a good friend or person really. Just because you've known someone a long time doesn't mean you have to keep them in your life - she has form for being selfish, self-obsessed, competitive and creating problems for you and those close to you. She sounds like a nightmare and you're well rid. Make a gap for a nice, new friend who is kind, thoughtful and respectful of the most obvious friendship rules.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Tue 27-Sep-16 20:09:03

Quite often in both male and female friendships there is an unwritten law which says you stay away from friends' EXs.
I think this so called 'friend' of yours has been very disloyal to you.
They are certainly a good match in that respect.
The dynamics of your friendship with her changed the moment they started a relationship.
I would wish them well and then bow out with dignity, because realistically it's never going to work as a true friendship anymore and really why put yourself through all that crap which will entail reminders of past unhappiness.
It's not worth and they're not worth it. Good luck x

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Tue 27-Sep-16 20:20:59

Ah just read your post at 10:19
The women's a walking nightmare of trouble!!
Stop feeling guilty about ditching her.

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