Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3 4

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband has been watching porn

86 replies

MrsOs · 26/09/2016 20:36

So tonight my husband went to show me a you tube video of something funny and when i looked at the other sites open they were porn sites. I asked him what they were and he quickly deleted the pages said they popped up from the you tube video.. I knew that wasnt true.

Then he said he went on because they were talking about it at work and he couldnt believe it was that easy to access.. So he looked out of curiosity. I didnt believe that either. He had even deleted the browsing history but stupidly left the pages up.

So then i looked at the advanced web pages section in safari and it showed he had been on pornhubpremium and flirt4free... I confronted him and he confessed to looking at porn.

Im so hurt and angry. He never comes to bed with me and we havent had sex in nearly a year. We have had various rows where i say its over as i dont want to be in a loveless relationship but he says he loves me and its just we are so tired etc etc... Yeah tired of wanking over porn sites.

I thought i knew him.. I didnt think he was like that.. Im so shocked..

Wwyd if you were me?

OP posts:

Report

Forgettheworld · 26/09/2016 21:23

I don't know, but I watch porn hub sometimes and I'm in a happy relationship. I would think most men watch porn but if you won't accept that in a relationship you need to make it clear. He'd probably just hide it better next time though

helenatroy · 26/09/2016 21:31

I wouldn't worry about it either. He's far from alone in his habits.

MrsOs · 26/09/2016 21:32

But what if it meant he was getting his kicks elsewhere? He isnt interested in me anymore!

OP posts:

helenatroy · 26/09/2016 21:34

It doesn't mean that at all. Do you still love him? Fancy him? Have sex?

melibu84 · 26/09/2016 21:34

You're overreacting. All men watch porn, even if they say they don't, and it doesn't mean they love their partner any less.

Luvjubs · 26/09/2016 21:37

I think the problem is the fact that he wanks to open but doesn't come near op, forgettheworld. Quite clearly there's a problem

BlasianFashionista · 26/09/2016 21:37

melibu84 not ALL men watch porn, you can't speak for the whole entire nation.

OP if I were in your situation I would leave him, it's a huge disrespect..

Luvjubs · 26/09/2016 21:37

Lordy phone! I meant porn, not open

Luvjubs · 26/09/2016 21:38

I don't think op is over reacting - he hasn't had sex with her for a year!!!

Iggi999 · 26/09/2016 21:38

Bollocks to "all men watch porn". They don't. The problem here is surely that you haven't been in a happy sexual relationship for some time. And maybe you thought he had simply lost his urge, for example, and now you see that isn't so. Can you have a proper talk with him, not right now but when you know you can be u interrupted for a while?
Porn is just such an easy way for him to get his kicks compared to a reciprocal relationship.

Helmetbymidnight · 26/09/2016 21:39

OP: we havent had sex in nearly a year.

Ans: I wouldn't worry about it either. He's far from alone in his habits.

Really? Is that normal now?

Op, I would be very fucked off. If he can't have sex with you, what's he going to do about it?

MrsOs · 26/09/2016 21:40

I have wondered why he doesnt come near me anymore.. This is clearly why! Im so hurt.

I cant believe this is happening. I just found out my mum has a terminal illness.. This is too much to deal with now.

OP posts:

helenatroy · 26/09/2016 21:41

Didn't see the bit about no sex for a year. Perhaps you could speak to a therapist and decide from there?

WombOfOnesOwn · 26/09/2016 21:42

All men don't watch porn. Pornography, even from supposedly "ethical" studios, is made by exploiting women and often raping them and ignoring their consent or lack thereof.

You're allowed to have this boundary. It's okay to have standards for men that include "doesn't get pleasure from watching women treated as objects." The "cool girls" 'round these parts love to tell women that they have to settle for less, or talk about watching it together with their men. They do this because they fundamentally think that if they don't act this way, they'll be alone. They act out of fear.

It's okay for this to be a dealbreaker, ESPECIALLY combined with the repeated lies. You now know what kind of liar your husband is: the minimizer, the one who'll tell you any kooky story to try to get you to believe it. This is the kind of man who, if you catch him cheating, tries to come up with half a dozen half-baked stories to insist it was all innocent, then cries to you that he's despairing over having hurt your relationship by cheating.

He clearly knew you didn't want him watching it. He knew what he was doing was wrong. You've already been talking about leaving because your relationship is sexless. The only question is whether you're going to keep having such low self-esteem as to stay with a man who has clearly shown that he'd rather pleasure himself while thinking about women who may have been trafficked or raped (and if he's on random porn sites like that, instead of super-ethical studios, believe me, he's seen his share of trafficked/raped women) than have sex with you.

Maxwellthecat · 26/09/2016 21:43

I agree not all men watch porn, that's a ludicrous thing to say. I think lots do though. It's not the watching porn that would bother me the most (it would bother me though) it's the lies, I hate that whole only telling a bit of the truth until you have to thing. 'Oh it was a YouTube pop up' 'oh it was something from work I just wanted to see what people were talking about'
It makes me so angry, it's like he's just seeing how stupid you are and how much you'll believe. I also hate it when you have all the evidence and 'don't know how it got there' bollox!! I had an ex do it to me and I thought I was cracking up!!

MrsOs · 26/09/2016 21:44

We struggled to have a baby.. Sex became a chore.. After we had our son i lost all my sex drive and that was that... He always waited for me to initiatve intimacy and when i stopped doing so... Sex stopped. I have never known a man not to initiate sex...

OP posts:

Maxwellthecat · 26/09/2016 21:45

Wombsofonesown I agree wholeheartedly with you

Forgettheworld · 26/09/2016 21:45

I thought she meant what would you do about him watching porn? Of course not having sex for a year is a big problem she needs to talk to him ask him honestly why. He obviously has issues. I honestly think people who don't think their partners watch any porn are quite naive it's so easy to access now on mobiles not like having a pile of videos under the bed

TinkerStinker · 26/09/2016 21:46

I can't imagine the only reason he hasn't come near you in a year is because he's watching porn.

You both need to sit down and talk about where you want this relasionship to go.

I do think personally see porn as too much of a problem but that's me. If it's a big no no for you the you need to tell him that.
There are clearly bigger issues in your marriage that need addressing.

Sorry to hear about you mum...everything comes at once when you don't need it to x

Helmetbymidnight · 26/09/2016 21:47

Is there any reason OP needs a therapist? He's the one with the problem.

OP, I'd tell him what you've said here, and if he can't come up with an acceptable solution, then I'd be out of there.

Please ignore those who think you're over-reacting. They might not have sex with their partners but most people like to.

BlasianFashionista · 26/09/2016 21:48

You haven't had sex with him in over a year, so what do you expect him to do?

Your relationship sounds dead and you sound very unhappy.. Why are you still trying to hold onto the little bit that's left?

MrsOs · 26/09/2016 21:57

Because i love him and we have a son. I believed marriage was for life but i dont know how to make things like they used to be.

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

MrsOs · 26/09/2016 21:59

Ive said so many times things have to change but it never does...

OP posts:

HerfaceIsaMapOfTheWorld · 26/09/2016 21:59

this is hurtful I had an ex like this and I left him in the end he used to wank with me in the room it was so weird!
Anyway if you want to stay with him then you need to work on this no sex thing for both of you, have you tried maca root? It helped a few people I know but also sounds you guys need therapy

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 26/09/2016 22:01

Why are you blaming the op for the breakdown in her sexual relationship with her dh? She is not the one expending her sexual energy on porn sites.
So many women have internalised society's propaganda on this issue op. It is not normal or healthy to withdraw from real sexual relationships to wank over porn and you are entitled to your unhappiness over this and to ask for better.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.