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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I want to leave him

(14 Posts)
PintofWineForMe Mon 26-Sep-16 16:54:39

I married my second husband almost a year ago. This coincided with my DS starting secondary school.

To cut a long story short my DS has had a very bad time since going to the new school. Put simply he hates it. There has been a combination of bad behaviour and he is increasingly withdrawn. My ex and I are paying for DS to have counselling but it's early days. My DS has also started self harming by cutting himself. I'm terrified about what he might do.

Which brings me to my problem. I sense that my new DH actually doesn't like my son. He doesn't speak to him very much and sometimes completely blanks him. However he's quite good at prentending to be the concerned stepfather. Unfortunately he's not as good as he thinks he is because he's always making digs about my son. It's hard to explain.

Anyway I'm looking at a flat tomorrow and I'm thinking of just moving out without discussing it with him. His snidey comments about my son over the last year have just completely switched me off. I don't even want to discuss it with him.

If I try to talk to him he'll just deny there is a problem and I need to concentrate on getting my son back to his normal happy self.

I'm not sure whether I'm being unfair but I can't mess around with his feelings as I'm more worried about my DS.

Sorry if I can't respond to any posts quickly but I can only post when he's not around.

Luvjubs Mon 26-Sep-16 17:01:33

If you feel it's best for your son then you are doing the right thing. For what it's worth I know how it feels when step parents do t particularly like your children. I hope your son starts to improve.

disneyprincesswannabe Mon 26-Sep-16 17:01:51

I think taking a step back and finding a home for just yourself and ds is a really good idea. Your ds comes first, the relationship can take a back seat. Maybe eventually you can start working on becoming a better couple together but for now I think what you are doing is the best way forward.
I couldn't be with someone who didn't like my children and made it obvious through digs etc. Kids need unconditional love and support at home. Good luck flowers

category12 Mon 26-Sep-16 17:04:04

I am all in favour of you putting your ds first.

If you feel like there is no point discussing it with him - well, that's how I knew my relationship was over, it was pointless to discuss, nothing would change.

OhNoNotMyBaby Mon 26-Sep-16 17:05:45

It may not be the new school OP, that is at the root of your DS's problems - it's more likely that it is your new DH. He sounds horrible. You cannot subject your son to living with a man like that.

Move out asap and focus on your son - he is your priority.

TheNaze73 Mon 26-Sep-16 20:02:03

Kids first always OP. As others have said, your son is your priority

user1471518295 Mon 26-Sep-16 20:05:08

Just do it. It is the right thing. I was you a few years ago. I didn't do the right thing, and my child didn't forgive me and is moving to live with his father now, despite my having now thrown the offending partner out of my house. Don't risk it. I have lost my child.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 26-Sep-16 20:07:43

Sounds like you married a man - child. The quicker you get you and ds away the better you will both feel. Dont look back and don't take any of the blame for the break up.

ImperialBlether Mon 26-Sep-16 20:07:57

I reckon your son's problems will disappear once you leave. I don't blame you for going without saying a word, but please make sure you get everything you're entitled to financially and that you're safe when you leave.

nicenewdusters Mon 26-Sep-16 20:57:03

Sounds like you need to leave asap. I suspect your son's problems will improve once you're away from the source of his distress.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam Mon 26-Sep-16 21:15:03

The sooner you get out the better.

PintofWineForMe Mon 26-Sep-16 21:19:01

I've got enough saved for rent plus deposit and removals. I don't earn a huge amount but it's enough for us. I have brought up my son on my own since he was about eighteen months old.

I feel guilty about doing a midnight flit but on the occasions I have defended my DS he's either flat out denied there is a problem or it's escalated into a huge row where he then ignores me for a day or two.

To me it's really simple. If you can't be kind towards my child then you don't love me. I don't expect him to love my DS as he does his own DD but I do expect that he speaks to him nicely. If my DS was rude to him then I would speak to DS about it but the facts are that he is very polite to my H. There is no need for it and we would be a lot happier on our own where I can try and sort out my DS without him making sly comments about how he's attention seeking (by cutting his arms FFS). I would kick him out but the house we are in now is very expensive and we don't need a big place.

Thank you for your support. It's appreciated. It's hard to know sometimes if you're being unreasonable. I know it's reasonable to leave but I was a little worried about just going without saying anything.

ikeawrappingpaper Mon 26-Sep-16 21:22:24

You are doing the right thing. Children always come first and saying horrible things to them affects them deeply. Having literally just ended a relationship with my dc's father, who has been increasingly saying awful and undermining things to ds1 especially, I am four days out and I came see a difference already, as can school. It is like Ds is a different boy.

I don't think you'll regret it and it is a brave decision to make. Go you!

hermione2016 Mon 26-Sep-16 22:41:14

Your poor son, I hope it gets better for him soon.

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