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Argument with DSis about Dbro's sex life.

(96 Posts)
whatshouldihavesaid Mon 26-Sep-16 15:38:10

Name changed for this just in case my DSis sees this thread. 

I'm one of three, I have an older brother and a younger sister. We're all married, around five years each.

DB lives away but he was home last week for work so the three of us went out. We don't see each other all that often, I don't know his DW very well but I like her.

After a few drinks DB admitted that they were having problems and said their sex life had dried up. Bear in mind we'd had a few. Not drunk but more honest than usual.

He said he'd suggested they try a few things to spice it up and she had rejected him totally, getting quite upset. Now they were in separate bedrooms. They'd not had sex for ages. He didn't know how to fix the situation short term or long term. He loves her and he wants to have a sexual relationship. She's not interested. 

I suggested they need to talk. He needed to apologise for offending her, explain how he felt and suggested that when she was ready they could talk about how to move forward. I said that he could ask her if there was anything she'd like to do that might get things going again. (Thinking that if it was her idea he wouldn't be offending her.)

My DSis took a totally different approach, telling both of us that we shouldn't expect her to do something that she wasn't prepared to do and that she shouldn't be pressurised into having sex and that my DB should just suck it up if he really loved her.

DB got a bit angry and said how could she know she didn't like doing anything other than missionary with the lights off if she wasn't prepared to try anything else?

Anyhow the conversation went a bit south after that and I can't stop thinking about it.

So what should I have said? Surely an important part of a relationship is sex and that you both have a responsibility to find a middle way, whatever that might turn out to be, where both parties can be happy?

I'd hate to be in a sexless marriage. But I'd hate to be in a non communicative marriage which left me doing things I didn't want to just to appease my DH.

DB is still confused and unhappy and now DSis isn't really talking to me. I know it's probably none of my business but I'm trying to find peace with the whole thing.

Any ideas?

HallowedMimic Mon 26-Sep-16 15:41:05

I'd probably stop discussing my siblings sex lives in quite such detail.

But if you must, I agree with your sister.

Every1lovesPatsy Mon 26-Sep-16 15:42:55

Maybe she should go to see a sex therapist?

Your brother should probably also get help from a sex therapist as to how to approach this situation. It's not ok to expect him to be happy and trapped in a sexless marriage. That's very unfair on him.

AyeAmarok Mon 26-Sep-16 15:44:32

I think you're both right, depending on the individual circumstances.

If she used to do these things (whatever they are, different positions etc) but didn't enjoy them and was just doing them because she felt she had to, then your DSis is right.

If it's that something has caused her to not enjoy them anymore (Childbirth, new job and she's exhausted, him working away so she's holding the fort by herself, she's put on weight and feels shit about it, etc) then you are right and they should talk about it and the ways they can fix the problem.

Cherryskypie Mon 26-Sep-16 15:45:49

Why the actual fuck is he discussing his wife's sexual preferences with his sisters?

Blueskyrain Mon 26-Sep-16 15:46:18

Ultimately its his business to sort out, so really not worth getting into a big row about, but for what it's worth, I agree with you.

I think sex (and good sex) is a really important part of marriage, and it needs to be something both people can talk about honestly and openly.

whatshouldihavesaid Mon 26-Sep-16 15:47:04

Hallowed - I know. We'd had a few to drink. It's not usually something we talk about which is why I'm taking DB's distress so seriously and why Dsis's different opinion was a bit of a surprise.

whatshouldihavesaid Mon 26-Sep-16 15:48:10

And he wasn't really talking about DW's preferences, he was talking about how he thought his marriage was in trouble.

ParadiseCity Mon 26-Sep-16 15:48:53

I have two brothers and my brains just screaming BLLEAAAUUUGGGHHH at the thought of any such conversations!!!

Sorry OP. No help at all. But YUK.

BlancheDevereux Mon 26-Sep-16 15:49:20

That's quite horrid to talk to his family in detail like this! Weird and horrible.

Is this some sort of reverse? hmm

JinkxMonsoon Mon 26-Sep-16 15:49:46

You both had a point.

It's unreasonable to think your brother should shrug and resign himself to a sexless marriage.

Equally, I'm wondering if his attempts to "spice things up" blindsided his wife so much she's completely shut down.

Either way, their marriage is in big trouble, isn't it?

Waltermittythesequel Mon 26-Sep-16 15:53:05

Are you Lannisters?


BlancheDevereux Mon 26-Sep-16 15:54:27

grin Walter

NotTheFordType Mon 26-Sep-16 15:55:07

He should be taken out and shot just for using the cringe-worthy "spice it up".

If he wants to save his marriage, then your advice to him seems spot on. Not talking is not going to help, is it?

Maybe your Dsis has felt under pressure sexually in her own marriage and was projecting a bit?

Blueskyrain Mon 26-Sep-16 15:56:01

I wouldn't have conversations with my siblings like that, but some siblings can talk about anything, and I don't think that's gross at all.

LBOCS2 Mon 26-Sep-16 16:01:11

Who else should he talk to about it? He has two women in his life whose judgement he trusts. Why not speak to them to get some advice? Not everyone has close friends of the opposite sex and he may have wanted a woman's view to see if there was anything he'd missed.

Personally I think he should be trying to talk to her about why she doesn't want sex, rather than trying to find out what would make it more interesting for her. But equally your sister is right that she shouldn't be pressurised into anything she doesn't want to do.

<adjusts splintered bottom from all the fence sitting>

whatshouldihavesaid Mon 26-Sep-16 16:06:15

So I was hoping for advice for my DB, but now I'm a bit  that so many of you think discussing sex with family is tantamount to incest.

You really can't discuss sex at all with your family? Why not? It's not like it's a turn on. Jesus!

I said before, no one was going into graphic detail. It's not weird that we are all aware that the others have sex lives, we're all in relationships after all.

Happybunny19 Mon 26-Sep-16 16:06:59

Weird responses in general here, ffs they're all grown ups now why not converse like normal adults do? Anyhoo I think you're spot on, what sort of relationship do you have with your spouse if you can't talk, particularly about intimacy? I also find it laughable that any woman posting on here about lack of sex gets sympathy but the men all seem to need to shut up and carry on so as not to upset their dear little flowers. Actually you're doing them both a favour encouraging them to talk and work out a compromise otherwise long term there marriage is doomed.

Why is your sister not speaking to you now? That's weird.

BlancheDevereux Mon 26-Sep-16 16:07:50

He gets a pass on "spice it up" if he's over 80. grin

It's horribly disloyal to talk to siblings about your spouse's sexual interests! Telling them his W only likes it in missionary with the lights off? Disloyal and disrespectful. Sounds more like a lads night out conversation.
If the marriage continues, his wife will be socialising and more with the two sisters for years to come, not knowing how her husband has talked about her to them.

MargaretCavendish Mon 26-Sep-16 16:08:07

I'm quite surprised that so many people are disgusted at what seems to have been a pretty non-explicit conversation among siblings. My brother and I sometimes have conversations that tangentially touch on sex: is that really so weird? People surely wouldn't think it was weird if it were two sisters?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Mon 26-Sep-16 16:09:05

So all of you who are okay with specific sexual situations being discussed with siblings would presumably be fine about your partner discussing your sex life in great detail with his/her siblings?

BlancheDevereux Mon 26-Sep-16 16:09:38

xpost OP.
Nobody has said anything about incest. How would you feel if your husband was telling his siblings about your sex life? Would it really not bother you?

MargaretCavendish Mon 26-Sep-16 16:09:46

It's horribly disloyal to talk to siblings about your spouse's sexual interests! Telling them his W only likes it in missionary with the lights off? Disloyal and disrespectful. Sounds more like a lads night out conversation.

And this I find totally baffling. Why would anyone rather their husband was talking to all 'the lads' in the pub about their sex life rather than asking his siblings for support and advice?!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Mon 26-Sep-16 16:09:57

Conversations about sex in general is fine

Conversations about the actual quality of sex within a marriage is not

SarcasmMode Mon 26-Sep-16 16:11:31

Why is it any weirder talking to a sibling rather than an opposite sex friend?

I'm pretty sure BIL has made jokes about our sex life. It's a bit weird but that's just him.

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