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AIBU? Boyfriend texting a girl he had a thing with in the past.

(26 Posts)
eirrah Mon 26-Sep-16 10:00:09

Hey. I've been with my boyfriend for just over 6 months. We are very happy and much in love with plans for the future. Both late 20's.

Before we met, my boyfriend had been messaging another girl who he had met online (lives around 50 miles away). I'm not aware that they ever actually met one another but they had plans to do so and he bought gig tickets for them both but she always stood him up. When he met me he text this girl to say he won't be speaking to her no more in that sense. Anyway, I have since seen him texting this girl but he's done it in front of me so not secretive or anything. However, yesterday morning we was looking at his calendar on his phone to make some plans and there was an event that said I love you. I asked what it was and he dismissed it. It bothered me all day so I brought it up to him and he said it was a recurring event that she invited him to a few years ago and it was the date that she first said I love you to him. I find it weird cos they never met/slept together/kissed but I was annoyed that her feelings were obviously so strong for him and they're still in touch. He said she's having a rough time and he felt mean not speaking to her and he was just trying to do the right thing and being nice by trying to cheer her up.

Ultimately though he said he's been nice to her, someone who doesn't mean anything to him and has hurt and upset me, the person who means everything to him. He's apologised and said he will text her today to say it has to stop.

I was really upset last night but now I feel mean and guilty as though I was over reacting. Have I been a bit over the top here or would you guys feel the same way? He did say he wouldn't like it if I was texting a guy with history between us both so he said he totally understands where I'm coming from but I don't want him to think he can't speak to another girl - it's just this situation I find strange.

Thanks for listening.

Littleballerina Mon 26-Sep-16 10:02:23

Are you 12?

WhiskersAndPaws Mon 26-Sep-16 10:05:06

He's taking the P out of you. Dump dump dump.

MoonfaceAndSilky Mon 26-Sep-16 10:05:51

I think it's strange that he is still texting a girl he never met. He's known her a few years, she is saying she loves him and yet they have never met? Bit weird isn't it?
I think you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Dieu Mon 26-Sep-16 10:07:26

It sounds like he is infatuated with her. Proceed with caution OP.

Only1scoop Mon 26-Sep-16 10:07:58

He's fed you a right old line

hellsbellsmelons Mon 26-Sep-16 10:10:57

I wouldn't like this at all.
He still has the date she said 'I love you'!
Sounds weird and juvenile to me.
6 months isn't long to cut your losses and run.
But it depends where your boundaries are.
How old are you?

bookbuddy Mon 26-Sep-16 10:15:22

Your justified in feeling crap about it, after all this is someone he has never even met. The trouble with that is that the grass is greener as he has not got a real sense of what it would be like to be with her, It's complete fantasy. I would be weary of him if he's actively pursuing this an affair might follow although not necessarily with her. Sorry for sounding negative but I've been in the exact same position sad

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 26-Sep-16 10:17:27

If he needs his ego still stroked off a girl he never met then you must face the fact he isn't that into you.
Walk away while you still have some self respect.

skyyequake Mon 26-Sep-16 10:19:29

I had a thing with a guy online once. We never met, but we swapped "I love you"s, video chatted, etc. It is very possible that either one of them still has feelings. Its completely rational for you to not want him having contact like that OP. She is, for intents and purposes, an Ex.

Also the fact that she's stood him up a number of times, and from what you say they have never video chatted or anything? That would ring alarm bells with me that she isn't who she says she is, or at least is using a fake picture.

It might be that he does feel guilty, especially I she's told him (truthfully or not) that she has no IRL support... But you are in the right, IMO as someone who's been in an online relationship, to ask him to not contact her anymore. If he doesn't keep to that agreement then you would also be quite right to break up with him if you felt you needed to. You shouldn't need to put up with feeling second best in a relationship.

Hope it works out ok flowers

eirrah Mon 26-Sep-16 10:20:52

He's deleted it off his phone now. It was a recurrent event that she had set up via the calendar and invited him to so until he cancelled and deleted it yesterday, it would have come up every single year.

I am genuinely so so happy with him and we spend every minute together when we are away from work. It just bugged me because he has no reason to be in touch with this girl. When we got together I deleted everything to do with my ex off my phone.

He is genuinely a lovely lovely person and everyone I know says the same about him. He has struggled with depression in the past and I know he struggles to put himself before others hence the trying to be nice excuse, but I've told him that there's only so much he can blame on that.

Thanks for the replies so far

eirrah Mon 26-Sep-16 10:22:04

He's also said he will show me the text he sends her tonight about not being in touch no more. I am going to ask him to delete her number too.

FunnyTummy Mon 26-Sep-16 10:24:30

I would have a big problem with this.

My boyf is friends on fb and has the numbers of a few girls from the past, but he doesn't message them or really keep in touch. I also have ex's numbers in my phone, but only because I just haven't bothered to delete them.

If it's bothering you, then would you consider contacting her?

eirrah Mon 26-Sep-16 10:26:56

I told him I would message her myself if he didn't blush but he said he will do it tonight and tell her it can't happen no more. He says it's completely platonic and I believe him, but she obviously has feelings and I don't like the fact they are texting. I am going to ask him to delete her number.

Cabrinha Mon 26-Sep-16 10:40:12

If she sent the event ages ago - like, the day it happened, before he met you - and he just accepted it and forgot it, I wouldn't be angry.
I'd probably pity her for being so pathetic. Is she 14?

My issue would be that he told you he wasn't going to talk to her - then carried on doing it.

You said it was openly done in front of you. Why didn't you say something then?

You will not have a good relationship if you suppress your feelings. You should have spoken up then.

I don't think it's fair on this girl for him to carry on chatting because even if he has been friendly only in his messages, he knows she wants more.

What have his messages actually said?

I'm not sure what this symbolic number deletion is supposed to do. My fiancé and I both have old numbers in our phones because we just never deleted them. Having the number makes me no more likely to contact my XBF. That's what you need from this man - a commitment not to contact her, and to follow that through. Which is what he didn't do, and what you accepted. Deleting a number because he is told to, is not as meaningful as a number he still has, but doesn't want to text.

Cabrinha Mon 26-Sep-16 10:42:15

And - do lot message her yourself.
If you have to message her yourself, then your boyfriend has let you down so badly that you should just dump him.

Come, you're not 14 either. What are you going to send "get your hands off my man"? confused

He has to end this, not you.

Mycraneisfixed Mon 26-Sep-16 10:59:50

Isn't this all a bit silly?

FunnyTummy Mon 26-Sep-16 11:05:27

I do agree with Cabrinha . . .I think I was just thinking that if OP was doubting if her bloke was telling the truth, then she could ask the other girl if there's more to it.

But from reading her reply, it looks like she does trust him and his reasons for being in touch.

MsStricty Mon 26-Sep-16 11:11:33

I am genuinely so so happy with him and we spend every minute together when we are away from work.

He has struggled with depression in the past and I know he struggles to put himself before others hence the trying to be nice excuse.

This is a recipe for codependence. Please watch your step, OP.

eirrah Mon 26-Sep-16 11:13:55

We have our own friends and do things with them, I just mean in general given that we do not actually live together. It's nothing worrying!

Thank you everyone for the advice.

Seeyouontheotherside Mon 26-Sep-16 11:17:20

He's never met her because despite her declarations of love she's always stood him up. So unless he's seen that she is who she says she is through skyping or facetime, there's a very high likelihood that he's being catfished. For all he knows, he could be wooing a thirty stone, bearded trucker.

TheNaze73 Mon 26-Sep-16 11:18:14

Sorry to be harsh but, if he was much in love with you, as you say, he wouldn't be contacting her.

TrippyMcTrapFace Mon 26-Sep-16 11:27:09

It's more than "a bit" silly Crane .

Purplebluebird Mon 26-Sep-16 11:30:28

I would be very grumpy about the "i love you" note, and would expect him to remove the reminded, it's pointless if he's over her. About texting her, I don't think it needs to be an issue? I speak to my "ex" (were never quite official) most days on skype chat (text chat, not voice)! We're good friends, but I have no need to meet up with him in person, we just get on really well. I have a partner who I've been with for 7 years, and no plans to cheat or leave him or anything like that. Nothing sinister, we just talk like old friends (I've known him since I was 17, 11 years ago). If my other half was friendly with an ex, I would be okay with him talking to her as well. I also speak to another male friend quite regularly, that I did have a one night thing with. Again known him for 11-12 years, though never had a romantic interest in him.

Cabrinha Mon 26-Sep-16 13:31:32

I agree with you Purple that chatting to friends is fine. But I expect in your examples you didn't tell your boy/girlfriend that you were going to stop - and then just carry on anyway!

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