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Since I got pregnant...

(180 Posts)
Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Sep-16 00:27:01

I should probably name change for this but won't.

Since I got pregnant, with our tried for child my husband hasn't wanted to touch me sexually.

It happened much more quickly after we got married than we anticipated, child might as well be a honeymoon baby (we had been together some years before getting married).

My husband is 19 years older than me, I am 28. Since becoming pregnant/having the baby, our sex life has died a death. Not on my shout. I look almost exactly the same 15 months post birth as before, granted I have some stretch marks now.

We've been intimate maybe 5 times since the baby was born. Once this year. It isn't me, I want to. I miss it. I don't understand why he doesn't want me.

I almost left earlier this month but felt we could work at it. Lack of intimacy isn't the only issue but I think it is the one which will end it.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Sep-16 00:30:06

Posted too soon.

I don't understand what I have done wrong.

He seems very concerned with having a family to come to, but other than that, I am a woman who lives with him.

It all seems to be going wrong since I cannot and am not inclined to pander to his emotional needs, which are legion. Which paint me as the bad guy every time

PissPotPourri Mon 26-Sep-16 00:38:35

What does he say when you speak to him about it?

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Sep-16 00:44:24

When I bring it up he always says that he doesn't want to have sex because we have argued because we don't have sex (aka my fault) or that he prefers it in the morning, which obviously isn't doable with a young child.

I have tried instigating sex and been turned down more times than I care to count.

DoinItFine Mon 26-Sep-16 01:28:14

Does he know your marriage is on its last legs?

Googlebabe Mon 26-Sep-16 01:58:27

He is either gay, impotent or passive aggressive. Or a combination of two/three of these. You know what you have to do, don't you?

Talking doesn't help with sex, by the way. If anything, it makes you look more desperate and 'undesirable' and you start hating yourself. Now this is something we don't want happening, do we?

keepingonrunning Mon 26-Sep-16 11:30:25

He is either gay, impotent or passive aggressive
Or getting his needs met elsewhere.
It's a common scenario for an emotionally needy man to feel usurped by a new baby. When you were pregnant and needing emotional support he couldn't give you it. Now DC is here your attention has had to be diverted away from H to your baby. He needs a mummy/counsellor figure to feel good about himself. In fact you have two children in your house. From his point of view it's all about him.
I doubt you have done anything wrong OP.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Sep-16 11:39:45

He did, Doit but I think because I didn't leave he thinks everything is fine again.

Google, well he definitely isn't gay. Is certainly passive aggressive.

keep painfully accurate re the two children thing. I don't think he is getting his needs met elsewhere. Though he has historically been a habitual cheater. I would almost be grateful if he was, it would prevent him painting himself as the martyred and holy victim as he always does. I am very much always the "bad guy" in the relationship.

keepingonrunning Mon 26-Sep-16 11:42:35

Constant rejection must be very hard to handle. And you are only 28.

DoinItFine Mon 26-Sep-16 11:42:55

Do you want to have sex with him?

He doesn't sound very nice.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Sep-16 11:45:58

Well, I want to have sex, as he's my husband, it would have to be with him, really. Unless I leave of course.

I do wonder if he's actually not very nice but most people seem to think he's great, a really nice guy. He's different with friends, at work, to how he is at home. Strikingly so.

DoinItFine Mon 26-Sep-16 11:57:25

Do you think he's his real self out and about and he just acts like a dick at home to impress you?

keepingonrunning Mon 26-Sep-16 12:00:43

He seems very concerned with having a family to come to
Some partners are very concerned with keeping up appearances to others. Pulling a woman in her twenties at his age will be a massive boost to his image and ego. Unfortunately only you know the gulf between his warm, charismatic persona with others and the selfish, neglectful, emotionally abusive twat he chooses to be when it's just you and him.

PoldarksBreeches Mon 26-Sep-16 12:02:22

Tell us why you think he might not be very nice
He doesn't sound nice tbh

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Sep-16 12:12:15

Everything is always my fault. Even when I'' upset about something he has done, it becomes my fault because he's upset I'm upset. I spend a lot of time feeling guilty.

Finances are...not right. It was agreed i'd stay at home with the baby but actually, the entire time he made me miserable, berating me for not contributing etc. I'm back a work now and since then we've had arguments about how I'm not "paying my way". This is somewhat difficult on part time hours.

He never seems to have fully accepted that having a much younger partner comes with the potential downside of them earning much less than you do. I was a student when we got together.

NavyandWhite Mon 26-Sep-16 12:16:56

He is either gay, impotent or passive aggressive. Or a combination of two/three of these


Alis sounds like you have other problems than just his lack of wanting sex.

Would he see a counsellor with you?

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Sep-16 12:21:30

I don't think he would, no. He says all the right things with regard to improving our relationship but doesn't do any of them.

RatherBeRiding Mon 26-Sep-16 12:22:01

So he's financially abusive as well as emotionally abusive? And make no mistake the constant "it's your fault" IS emotional abuse.

You know what you have to do. It's an unhealthy relationship. He is unwilling to acknowledge that or work at making it healthier. You are young with your life ahead of you and a young child to think about too. Do you think this is a good environment to bring up a child in?

He sounds very very unlikely to change - but you can make a LOT of life changes, for the better.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Sep-16 12:24:42

He had a dysfunctional upbringing, lots of lies, affairs and hidden paternity sort of one. His parents are all dead (I say all because of the complex nature of his family). I don't think he means to be unkind.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Sep-16 12:25:58

Labelling him as abusive seems quite...I don't know, heavy?

I know things must improve one way or another, for our child's well being.

Blueskyrain Mon 26-Sep-16 12:26:29

Gmnn, when a week or so ago, a guy was considering leaving the relationship because he was struggling with lack of sex with his partner, people called him all sorts, said it shouldn't be all about sex etc. This situation, the genders are reversed, and hey presto, so is the advice (he's gay, being a dick etc).

I'm concerned about some of the non sexual things you mention, he's not being very fair on you. Re the sex, you need to have a proper chat about it with him - not when you want sex, in a non threatening way. If you are arguing a lot, then that may well impact him wanting to have sex, but you need to be able to discuss things like sex together.

You are not being unreasonable in wanting to have a relationship that involves sex. If he doesnt want that, and its not likely to change, you should consider whether to stay.

NavyandWhite Mon 26-Sep-16 12:30:45

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. It would be unfair in yourself to waste it on a marriage where you feel like this.

He has to work with you somehow, either counselling or admitting he's at fault with some of his ways.

Do you love him Alis?

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Sep-16 12:31:44

I'm aware it sounds horribly shallow to consider leaving due to lack of sex.

We have talked about it, calmly, in anger, in tears. Every way one might imagine, it's been discussed. It always comes back to something I have done/not done. And we still don't have sex.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 26-Sep-16 12:32:27

I do love him.

I don't think he really loves me though, anymore.

SandyY2K Mon 26-Sep-16 12:33:19

It doesn't seem to be getting any better.

I'd tell him that and that you want to make things work by trying counselling. If he isn't willing, then see how things would look for you financially if you split up.

Let him know that the lack of intimacy and other issues he isn't willing to work on are ruining the marriage for you and you are seriously considering a divorce if there's no improvement.

There is also a programme for married couples to reconnect called 'Retrovaille'. It involves going away for a weekend with other couples who are having marital issues.

You can't fix it on your own. There's almost 20 years between you and it's like this now. What happens if you're still together in 10 years?

I would also think about his habitual cheating historically. Why did he cheat? Why has he stopped?

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