Splitting up and thinking about dividing the house for both of us to live

[TBHhadEnough]

Tell me if this is a bonkers idea. 2 dc aged 10 and 12. together 16 years, married. I want to split, we are in separate rooms. Seen solicitor, arranging mediation. He doesn't want to split up but I think he's accepted it. Both of us don't want to move, me because kids are settled here and they've moved around enough (but I would up sticks and move if it was me). Him because he says it will upset his mental health, he has history.

We live in a big-ish house atm. It could be extended over the garage and effectively we could build a granny annexe, so separate entrance. We could afford this fairly easily. I haven't mentioned this to him yet. I wouldn't mind living in granny annexe. Then when kids are old enough, sell and split proceeds. All pre agreed with solicitors etc.

Is this a bonkers idea?

[trufflepiggy]

Sounds like a recipe for disaster, sorry. And very confusing for your children.

What will happen when you meet someone else?

[ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam]

I agree, you'll both be able to see all the comings and goings. You could give it a go I suppose, least you've tried.

[TBHhadEnough]

I've got no intention of getting in to a relationship for a very long time! I couldn't give a shit if he does.

Why would it be confusing for the children? Genuine question. Looking for all of the angles so any opinions will be good.

[Hotwaterbottle1]

Having separated but living in the same house Id advise a huge no. We thought it could be amicable. Hell no, he has not taken this well and is making things so difficult. Please don't do this.

[PollyPerky]

What are the reasons for you wanting to end the marriage?

The reason for asking is you won't really be that much different in an annexe to how you are now. Yes you can come and go as you want, but what about meals? Who will your children eat with? Who will cook? Who will do their laundry? Where will they go to do their homework and who would help them?

If you are effectively in the same house, but bigger, how will that be different from now?

Your children are very young. I can't help thinking that this kind of halfway house plan is just as unsettling for them as they are going through puberty and changing schools etc as much as a total split. How do you feel?

[Cary2012]

Because the kids would see that their mum and dad are not together properly, but they're not apart properly either. It would confuse them. Then later down the line when you do split they'd get hurt again. Don't assume kids leave home late teens. Many don't, and are still in the family home well into their twenties.

I can see that you see this as a solution, but I too think it's a recipe for disaster.

The kids will cope with having two separate homes. If you both stay in the same house, the boundaries will be forever blurred. Your ex doesn't want the split so he would struggle with you being close by. You say he is saying a split will affect his MH, but you can't do this co living because he's holding that over you.

Also, whilst you don't want a relationship for a long time, you have no idea of what or who is round the corner. You may meet someone next year, just as the lovely granny annexe is finished, your ex may flip at your new relationship under his nose. Your new partner might find it all very difficult. Or your ex might meet someone, and you would have to witness his new relationship. Add kids witnessing either of these scenarios and it gets very messy.

If you're splitting, then split properly, do it once, rip the plaster off. Less painful in the long run.

[gratesnakes]

My friend did this and it got nasty when she met a new man. (Which may happen to you even if it's not your intention.)

Two small homes within easy walking distance for the kids would be better if that's possible.

[Shiningexample]

if the relationship between you remains amicable then of course it could work, but it could easily become acrimonious and then he's right there in your face making life unpleasant if he feels the need to punish you for anything

get this monkey off your back and out some space between you

[TBHhadEnough]

I think you're all right. Just thinking through the options. The idea of an annex would be separate kitchen, bathroom etc. so there wouldn't be an coming and going. Separate washing machines etc. fuck washing his dirty kacks urgh. It would just be when either of us meet in the drive/garden etc. it's a shit idea

The reason we are splitting is because I'm tired of doing everything, and he checked out of family life blaming mental illness. Also a stoner. And a workaholic or spends his time at work . And doesn't look after himself, hygiene etc.

[TBHhadEnough]

It's about to get serious now as I've told him he needs to get legal advice. He thinks I'm after his money. He's got his head in the sand and is trying to delay things. And I hate confrontation. I suppose this idea is a way of avoiding confrontation??

[PollyPerky]

It may seem like a way to avoid confrontation but the reality wouldn't be like that.

Your children would be very confused and could be living with you in their mid-late 20s still.

Get the support you need to see it through and do it all properly.

[Shiningexample]

he probably thinks that if he keeps you on the premises he can manipulate and control you, worm his way back in somehow.

Sounds to me as if he'll go feral and end up living in chaos and squalor and then guilt you into sorting out his mess