Lost, lonely, in a panic!

[WoodenTrees]

I have been re-reading old threads of mine because I need to get it in my head that actually, it's going to be okay. I thought the other side would be good. I knew it wouldn't be great, but thought I'd cope. Here I am, with a letter requesting some stuff from the house, and his handwriting has made me cry. I have dropped off the last of my children at university and am now wondering whether or not it could work as they're not here full time for him to have a go at. I know it can't, and even my son, who adores his father has told me I'm right and that things couldn't continue as they were, although apparently his father was very surprised at his latest arrest. He is on bail and only allowed to contact me through his nurse (he has mental health problems). I wasn't prepared for the trauma, in fact when it was suggested I laughed, said I'm strong, I'll get on with it. I'm in pieces. It's been a month and logically I know I shouldn't allow him back (if the police don't extend his bail). He won't change, he hasn't changed in 20 odd years, he's unlikely to know. Why do I feel like a traitor? Why do I feel that I have committed a huge treachery? The loneliness I expected, but the complete loss of purpose, overwhelming sadness and distress, lack of sleep, I wasn't prepared for that. The replaying of arguments/discussions and other things that just pop into my head hurts. The strangest thing is he has more of my headspace now than when he was here and I don't know what's going on. Maybe it's not having dds to look after and things to take my mind off it, despite the fact I am constantly cleaning, decorating etc. I think I need to go back to the doctors.

[MatildaTheCat]

20 years is an extremely long time and you are clearly a lovely person, that's why you feel so dreadful. The emptiness of DC returning to uni has compounded that.

We don't know the backstory but multiple arrests, police bail and severe mental health issues sound like plenty of very sound reasons to have ended this.

Can you get outside for a walk? It's sunny where I am. Any friends you can call for a cuppa and some support? Be kind to yourself and keep as busy as you can. Very best wishes.

[springydaffs]

During awful experiences we often battle through - and when it's over the trauma hits.

Your sixties sound switched on. Get all they have to offer.

This will pass - eventually. You are processing all the horror

[springydaffs]

Sixties?? Doctors!

DON'T go back to your ex! You have to get through this sticky time to get out the other side. Where you're finally free.

High octane situations can have an addictive component to them. Ride it out, it will pass.

[WoodenTrees]

Thank you, wasn't expecting to feel quite so wobbly. Will try to stay strong but it's so damned hard. Will definitely go to the doctor tomorrow, I need someone to talk to.

[BonneMaman77]

I think what you are feeling is called Stockholm syndrome. It's when traumatic bonds are developed between people which are not healthy.

You are strong enough to identify that this isn't right so good on you. Go see the GP and get referred to a therapist.

[WoodenTrees]

I've been to the doctor, got to go back on Thursday and she's putting some trauma therapy into place as soon as possible. Apparently crying every time anyone speaks to you is normal under the circumstances! Me, I feel like a prize twit! I hate bothering folk, especially taking up the doctor's time when there are people with far more important things. DS (31) popped over this afternoon and I held it together for the whole time he was here, so I can do it. (Cried after he'd gone). I guess it'll sort.