Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I may be about to leave the loveliest person in the world and I am devastated(103 Posts)
Namechanged and IDing details changed as I suspect both DP and some friends use MN.
I met DP fourteen years ago and we have been together for 13. We were 19 at the time, which strikes me as stupidly, impossibly young.
Over the years we have had some issues but got through. For a long time DP was very difficult to live with - timid, depressive, lazy, overweight and unhealthy and drinking too much. With great self resolve, DP has put all of that behind. I have also had issues with depression and I know I haven't been the easiest. When things were hard before, I waited for it to pass and counted my blessings. We have pets (no children yet), and a lovely house, and lovely friends.
DP worships me. And is genuinely the kindest and sweetest person I know. Frankly deserves much better than me. So this is breaking my heart.
The issue is, that after 13 years something has withered or fizzled. I feel this enormous resentment over all the things I have never done because of my commitment to this relationship. I have never really been a single adult. To put it crudely, I don't think I have slept with enough people. DP was only my 2nd proper sexual partner. I am no longer even sure that I am attracted to DP's gender. Or if I attracted enough to sustain me in a marriage for life.
I have spent most of the last week crying or feeling utterly despondent. I can't believe I am about to do something so awful to my best friend, my confidant. But I am also afraid of how much my resentment will grow if I stay.
For months now I have been trying to convince myself that I am not really a sexual person, or that if DP is 90% happy that can bolster my 40% to 60%, IYSWIM. But I don't think that's the case.
I thought we would grow old together.
DP keeps asking me what is wrong and is trying so hard to cheer me up and that just makes it worse.
Please be gentle.
I don't know what to do.
Ps I am sorry if I don't reply straight away. I need to go to bed soon, and also I can't MN in front of DP.
You are sooooo young. Far too young to settle or convince yourself you are not sexual. That said, you obviously have a great deal of affection towards DP And your relationship.
Have you thought about counselling? Not even couples counselling, just spending time talking to someone impartial.
How do you see your life in 5 years? 10 years? You'll still be younger than I am now in 10 years by the way! Life is long... You have to do what's right for you, even though that can be painful.
It sounds like your sex life is non-existent, stale or just not right for you. Is there anything your DP could do to make it better?
Is there anything you can try?
Lonny I have thought abt counselling and am trying to get it.
I don't know where I see myself in five or ten years but I would like to have had a bit of an active sex life that I've really enjoyed. I feel so terrible and selfish for saying that.
Apart from that I don't know except that I don't want to be burned out on resentment and frustration.
DP wants children but I can't see bringing them into this as anything other than grossly irresponsible.
DP is so kind and lovely and so sweet, but a part of me can't get beyond the years of cynicism and drinking that I had to deal with. Another part of me can't get beyond all the things I haven't done - travel, time with friends - for this relationship. But that isnt fair because I have done so much and DP has been nothing but supportive in helping me achieve career goals.
Lilsc - that is pretty accurate.
I am not sure what DP could do except for a) pick up on some of the gentle directions I've been giving for over a decade and b) be a different gender
I feel terrible about our sex life because I haven't initiated sex in months and I've shrugged DP off. I wish I had tried harder but I got into a rut of focusing on pleasing DP.
You shouldn't stay with someone if the reason is that they are nice.
It's not enough.
It's ok that you have grown apart as you've grown up. Don't have DC's with your DP. Go have some fun and reignite your mojo.
What if I do that and it crushes DP?
I cannot believe my happiness is worth more. I just can't.
You must have been attracted to DP's gender before, so what's changed? (Of course I realise people do change but it might help you to analyse this). Were you too young to have explored your sexuality properly? Could you see yourself with anyone else of DP's gender, or does it have to be the opposite gender? I think some counselling could help you unravel this and I'd go for that first. Put leaving on hold just for a bit whilst you unravel it. Sometimes other things like depression or other life events can colour your view on life.
Sex with lots of people is often not all its cracked up to be. Lots of people have only one or two sexual partners and don't feel this resentment so I think you need to get through to what's at the bottom of all this. If what's at the bottom is you've fallen irreparably out of love with your DP and have been denying your sexuality then time to leave. But I'd do some exploring first.
growing apart happens, even to the nicest people
What a scary choice you have to make and you do have to make it.
Break your best friend's heart and move on or stay in an unsatisfying relationship for even longer. This increases the chances of your girlfriend thinking she is doing something 'wrong' and trying to make you happy. That isn't her 'job' though and is I think delaying the inevitable. There is the time factor too if she wants children.
If you love each other, couples therapy is certainly worth doing. After that if you feel the same way, the fairest thing to do is let her go to meet somebody else who can give her what she needs.
I'm just reading 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrew G Marshall which is good and explains the stages of relationships. Go have a look?
Are you both female? And now you think that you may be more attracted to men?
On a far lesser scale I went through similar with an ex. For a while I told myself that i would be able to 'get through' it and i would just have to make it work because i couldnt bring myself to hurt him.
But then I realised that because I loved him, i knew that he deserved far more from a relationship than I was able to offer. He deserved someone that adored him, and although he was my best friend, I wasnt in love with him any more.
Yes it hurt initially but within a few months, he admitted he was happier, and that looking back he could see it wasnt working.
Put it in the perspective of what uouyou think your partner deserves from their forever relationship, and it shoyld give you the courage to make the next step, whatever that may be.
I relate to this. I got into a relationship at that age. There the direct similarities end but I truly feel at that age I was not streetwise or adult enough to be in what I fell into. There were many complicating factors but I wouldn't repeat the journey. In another life I'd find out who I was first but life isn't always that easy. Mine was shit but yours, on the face of it, isn't. Except it is. You aren't sure you're with the right gendered partner for a start. I can feel the agony in your mind and the pain of choices you may well have to make, as kindly as you can possibly do it. Just sending you some support. ijustwannadance spoke well.
There is absolutely no general principle that people should have several sexual partners and that they are missing out if they don't. Plenty of people go through life extremely happily with only one sexual partner. It's difficult for a load of strangers to tell whether the issue is purely a sexual one or goes deeper than that, or whether this is reparable. I think only you can work that out.
Bibidee, thank you for the book suggestion.
Dillyduck, I have deliberately not disclosed either my gender or my DPs.
Ms Marvel, thank you, that isnreally helpful.
Your happiness isn't more important. It is equally important though.
But don't you think DP will - eventually - be happier with someone who loves them the way they deserve to be loved? In a way, you're standing in the way of that kind of relationship for them. I'm not saying that to be mean btw!
Don't feel bad, for starters. You are so clearly very kind, thoughtful and sensitive. You need to talk to DP. It will be hellishly emotional but it needs to be done. Choose a time and place that you feel most comfortable with. It has to be done. Bloody awful, I know, but your intelligence and integrity comes across through your posts. You can do this.
So you think you might be attracted to women rather than men? This isn't something you can ignore, for both your sakes. You both deserve to be with someone who you are really attracted to and want to have sex with.
Id like to add that Ive been at a point in my relationship where I thought I was so unhappy I was going to leave. We barely had sex, and like you I still really liked and loved DH but I wasnt in love with him. However I worked through my feelings (alone as I couldnt afford counselling) and I realised I didnt actually want to be with anyone else. I wanted excitement I wanted closure in some things hed said and done in the bad times and I wanted to find myself in the relationship and to not always be giving and never receiving. We are now doing much better. The sex is getting better and more exciting than ever before and we're a lot closer and stronger too. Sometimes the depression can cloud a lot of our thoughts. I think you need to work through a lot of stuff before ending anything. If you then still want to end it then so be it, but if you end it now then realise it wasnt what you wanted then you mightnt get the chance to get back together. Try for a while to actively work things out. Spend time writing down feelings and working through them. Is it DPs gender or DP. Can you get passed the past. What do you want for your future and what does DP want
Op; I understand.
I was with my ex (DS) dad since I was 14..for the past 8 years. I didn't want to be with him anymore; I was 21 and I remember thinking that I didn't want to waste any more of my youth to this man. It helped...sadly... that my ex was abusive and a very shit dad to DS. I guess if your partner is kind, loving it makes it difficult.
But OP, never stay in a relationship where your truly not happy in. So, ok you regret staying in the relationship for that amount of time and wished you explored? Well Op, now is your time, stop wasting time. You are still very young, break off the relationship and find your happiness.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.