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Am I overreacting to bf standing me up tonight?

(150 Posts)
RhubarbRocks Sat 24-Sep-16 21:50:53

Been going through a difficult patch recently with bf (long story but related to whether or not we want children - I always have and he's now unsure and as I'm in my 40s I've been asking him to make a decision and probably pushing too hard for him to decide). Anyway, after a really tough weekend last weekend, last night we had a lovely night out. When he left this morning he said that he wouldn't be staying out after a sports match and we would do something together tonight.

I've been and had a blow dry, done my makeup nicely and put on the clothes I know he likes most. After the match mid afternoon he sent a text to say his team had won and i said hooray and asked whether he was celebrating there or coming back. Nothing. At 6.30 I texted to say I was getting hungry and what was the plan. I could see (whatsapp) that he'd read my messages, so at 7.30 I said 'Hey, you ok? Thought we were meeting up? Hope I'm not getting stood up...😳?! X' Got a reply 20 mins later just saying 'Sorry. Yes, you're being stood up'. No kiss and no indication of if/when he'll be back. Nothing since. Am gutted.

How do I deal with this? If he'd told me earlier before I spent time getting ready, or even made me feel he felt a bit bad about ditching me (eg calling to tell me) I wouldn't mind - I'm glad he's having fun with his friends. But I just feel he doesn't care if I'm upset. Am I reading too much into it and being unreasonably upset? I so want us to be happy. I'm afraid if I tell him I am upset and he has been thoughtless it will be the last straw for him. On the other hand I'm feeling lonely and really quite sad to be spending Saturday night alone when I'd looked forward to a nice time with him, with no decent food and a total waste of the effort I made to look nice for him. He's working all day tomorrow so that's it for any time together til next weekend sad

ErnieAndBernie Sat 24-Sep-16 21:54:18

I'd be really upset! How long have you been together?

Luvjubs Sat 24-Sep-16 21:59:05

Do you really want a child with this man op?

Forgettheworld Sat 24-Sep-16 22:04:00

I would be fuming and I would tell him so!

RhubarbRocks Sat 24-Sep-16 22:10:12

Ernie - officially about 6 months but it's been over 3 years since our first kiss and we've been friends for many more. He takes his time deciding what he wants...
Luvjubs - I really love him. I love being with him. And I'd love to have a family with him. I think he'd be a great dad. It's more that I want to try - I think could live with it not working, but not with not even giving it a chance. And it has been so painful getting this far that I want to try to make it work

northernmonkey1010 Sat 24-Sep-16 22:10:35

What a bellend I'd tell him straight and get him dumped

QuiteLikely5 Sat 24-Sep-16 22:11:28

Lots of red flags op. Where is your self respect? You are worth more than this?

Muddlingthroughtoo Sat 24-Sep-16 22:12:03

You didn't arrange anything big though did you? Like he said I'll meet you at somewhere at specific time? Maybe he didn't realise that you'd be going to so much effort when there was no precise plans for a date?

HeddaGarbled Sat 24-Sep-16 22:13:31

No, you are not over-reacting. He was unkind and thoughtless and taking you for granted. Sorry, but I don't think this one's a keeper.

Trills Sat 24-Sep-16 22:15:05

Don't have a child with a man who says he will do a thing and then does not do it without any prior warning or apology.

DuckingAunts Sat 24-Sep-16 22:15:41

That's very cruel of him. He doesn't sound nice or kind OP.

I wouldn't send a message like that to someone I cared about.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sat 24-Sep-16 22:22:48

Sounds like you have a thoughtless teenager already....

honeyroar Sat 24-Sep-16 22:22:57

If it was even a half sincere apology and explanation rather than a cruelly blunt reply I could perhaps give him an inch of understanding, but he's horrible! Open your eyes and read the signs... You've not got on so well in the recent past, he won't commit to having children, he stands you up quite happily. This is not a long term type of boyfriend. You deserve better than him..,

Seeyouontheotherside Sat 24-Sep-16 22:26:29

What do you love about him? He doesn't sound remotely nice, doesn't care about your feelings and happily stands you up without any apology or good reason because he has zero respect for you.

Why do you want a baby with a man who obviously doesn't give a crap? How do you imagine that a man who can't be arsed turning up for a date or even letting you know in advance will suddenly care when you're pregnant? I think he's making it very obvious here that he's not that into you.

ChasedByBees Sat 24-Sep-16 22:26:46

That was a horrible arrogant reply. It's actually pretty contemptuous and you deserve better.

Bananacabana Sat 24-Sep-16 22:27:52

Trust yourself and don't doubt your feelings/reaction to his behaviour. He was way out of line and with his response, it seems he doesn't value you or your time.

RhubarbRocks Sat 24-Sep-16 22:29:06

Muddling - to be fair that is true. We hadn't booked a restaurant or anything. It is more the way he told me and the lateness if it tbh rather than the fact he changed plans.
I know I am letting him walk all over me but he will go totally cold and not speak to me for days if I show I'm cross/upset with him. This isn't sounding great when I write it down....

Trills Sat 24-Sep-16 22:31:05

He said he would spend the evening with you.

Then he ignored your texts.

Then he did not apologise.

Now you say he will be unpleasant to you if you call him out on his behaviour.

Why do you want to be with someone who behaves like this?

RhubarbRocks Sat 24-Sep-16 22:31:44

Thank you all. Helps to know I'm not being unreasonable to be fed up. Am going to go to bed, put the deadlock on the door and turn off my phone now instead of waiting to see if he will turn up/message me. Thanks for your advice/support.

Blondieblondie Sat 24-Sep-16 22:32:18

That's bloody horrible. End it with him, OP. I'd actually be considering if I'd been just been dumped if I were you. Sorry to be blunt flowers

OlennasWimple Sat 24-Sep-16 22:32:24

Think you've just answered your question right there, OP....

IME, when men after the age of about 28 say they don't want children, or are unsure about having children, what they really mean is they don't want to have children with their current partner. If having children is really important to you, don't waste any more time on him and go find someone else who is in the same place as you

Trills Sat 24-Sep-16 22:32:30

I would not be friends with someone who said "we'll do something together tonight" and then did not message me to cancel until 7:50.

RhubarbRocks Sat 24-Sep-16 22:33:32

Trills - sorry didn't see your message - he can be very loving and thoughtful too.

Flowersandthorns Sat 24-Sep-16 22:33:58

If you have children with this man you are telling them it us OK to be treated this way. Then history will repeat...

Peppapogstillonaloop Sat 24-Sep-16 22:34:45

It sounds awful because it is! He will go cold and not speak to you for a few days if you say something he doesn't like?? I promise you, However much you want children you DO NOT want them with a man like this. Ditch him and find someone worth it, or go it alone. Either way will be miles better than this relationship..

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