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I know I've got a DH problem but how do I change that?

(66 Posts)
Beebuzy Sat 24-Sep-16 21:24:05

I've had to nc as no doubt this will out me.

I know that my real issue is DH and not FIL but I don't know how to change it. DH is just so conditioned to his DF and his attitude and the fact that whatever he says goes and can't be challenged. They all tipped around him.

To be honest I've also done it for over 10 years although I've always complained to DH that how his DF treats him and his siblings and others isn't right. I've kept it in whenever he's made litter remarks or comments to me for the sake of DH. Fil will not tolerate being challenged and he goes radio active if he is.

It's no secret that he doesn't like any of the partners his children have chosen including me but his attitude to me has gotten worse since I had my DC 2 years ago. He lives over 100 miles away so we don't see him often but when we do I get little digs made or the last 3 times I've been shouted at. This time I couldn't take anymore after almost a week of digs I answered him back and all he'll broke lose.

He was imposing in my face, a trade of verbal abuse followed and I told him that I was taking DC and leaving. He tried to take DC from me and continued the abuse all the while DH just sat there saying nothing. So yes I know DH is the real problem.

He's made excuse after excuse for his DF behaviour, he's tried to justify it and put his head in the sand.

For me it's really shook what I believed of our relationship, I'd always felt if push came to shove he would stand with me and he didn't he let me get a verbal bashing.

The flying monkeys have been in contact asking DH to tow the line and right now I'm trying to figure out how to save my marriage as I can't see a way forward from this when DH knows Fil was wrong and admits it but can't/won't stand with me.

How do I snap him out of the FOG as current I'm being portrayed as the evil person wanting to go nc and wrecking their relationship as I know what fil is like and should put up with it

PickAChew Sat 24-Sep-16 21:27:45

I'd be tempted to tell him straight that his DF is a thuggish arsehole and he is a cowardly piece of shit, but can't see it.

Dozer Sat 24-Sep-16 21:29:37

Sorry you're in this situation.

You can't make DH see the light: only decide what your own (and DCs') boundaries are, eg no contact with FiL for you/little contact for the DC.

Do you want to remain in a relationship with your H when he stood by and let FiL treat you like that?

Floralnomad Sat 24-Sep-16 21:34:05

This is similar to how our relationship was with the Inlaws , eventually I told DH that he either told them what OUR problem was with them or I was off ( with DS) , he told them , all hell broke loose and they've been NC with me for about 19 yrs , they stopped speaking to DH for about a month but he then started seeing them again . It's worked well for us with only a couple of small blips like when FIL died but your DH has to be prepared to back you . Good luck with it.

Dozer Sat 24-Sep-16 21:37:51

grin "a couple of small blips like when FiL died"

Beebuzy Sat 24-Sep-16 21:37:54

Pick I've told my DH in no uncertain terms that FIL is a bully he doesn't respond to it which is because I suspect deep down he knows it's true.

I truly love my DH and I want to remain in a relationship but this has thrown me, his lack of action when his dad was in my face and making derogatory comments about me to my DH was shocking. I saw his face and he looked like a scared little boy.

I married DH and had DC and for me they are my absolute priority and my family and I thought the feel was mutual but I don't know what to think now.

We've had issues previous in our relationship since DC was born, we sort of forgot to work on our relationship and took each other for granted but I truly thought we had worked through those and we've been so happy and together but that disintegrates whenever we are in FIL company today I've had what feels like personal attacks from DH about past issues in order to deflect from what has happened with FIL and I'm just devastated as this isn't my normal loving caring husband, I don't recognise this man today

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sat 24-Sep-16 21:38:08

Remind your dh he made vows to you. . He is welcome to stay in contact with his df but you will be protecting yourself and your dc by never being in his company again. He can give the explanation /excuses to his family. Tell him he needs to justify why you should indeed continue to be his wife at all.

RandomMess Sat 24-Sep-16 21:46:48



I'd find a GOOD therapist and go together. Your DH may respond to an external influence explaining that he is in the FOG and his life will be improved when he makes a stand against FIL.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 24-Sep-16 21:47:43

Your dh seems to be afraid of his father? I suppose it would be a scary prospect to stand up to him.

He seems abusive and a bully. It is years of conditioning and your dh obviously feels unable to take his father on.

Would he see a therapist?

Beebuzy Sat 24-Sep-16 21:48:32

All I keep getting from DH is that he didn't want it to come to this.

We've had conversations previously regarding fil behaviour and how DH needs to challenge it and he's agreed but so far hasn't even when I was being verbally attacked by FIL.

I'm really concerned there is no way back for our marriage and that some illusion has been shattered for me

Dozer Sat 24-Sep-16 21:49:42

Couples' counselling?

Luvjubs Sat 24-Sep-16 21:51:37

FIL tried to take your child? Jesus, I saw red when I read that!
You and DP are supposed to be a partnership. A team. I'd give him a short sharp shock and say 'either support your wife against you bully of a dad or in off with dc'. Hopefully he grows a pair. I see it only working if you are Nc, although FIL will most likely still slag you off and u guess DP won't stand up for you until he grows some balls. I feel sorry for you op having to deal with this prat of an in law

Beebuzy Sat 24-Sep-16 21:51:51

quite I feel it's like he is scared of his father although DH disagrees. He won't do anything or tell fil anything that he may disapprove of. When we are in the company of fil my DH is a different man he can't relax and is always pandering and eager to please FIL however he can.

I suspect if he would see a therapist he would want it to be for the other perceived issues in our relationship and not the elephant in the room which is FIL

Beebuzy Sat 24-Sep-16 21:54:01

luv I took DC with me to pack our things to leave and he stormed in and started to continue the argument then removed DC from the room telling DH that I was neglecting them and calling me a terrible mother

Beebuzy Sat 24-Sep-16 21:54:59

He then refused to give me DC back to put them in the car to go home until DH took them from FIl

Floralnomad Sat 24-Sep-16 21:54:59

Would it be possible for you to go NC so in effect FIL is not welcome at your home ,you don't go on visits but your DH can maintain whatever relationship he wants , obviously it's up to you what happens about your DC . This worked well for us , and although they used to see my DC as the DC have got older they've both chosen to not keep in touch .

AuntieStella Sat 24-Sep-16 21:59:37

You've mention other issues a could of times now, and said that your DH sees them as being as important as this, and as unresolved.

You haven't said what those issues are, so no-one here can tell if he is reasonable in seeing them as just as serious.

But it does sound as if there are several unresolved issues, FIL being one, and DH might just be right that tackling all of them might be necessary in order to get your marriage back to healthy.

Beebuzy Sat 24-Sep-16 22:00:36

I'd happily go NC it would be very easy due to the distance we live apart, I know DH would be devastated if I did that. FIL is great with my DC he really is however they are a toddler and I'd be conflicted between letting DH take them to visit with him and stopped contact with DH.

Fil aside from being a bully is a racist homophobic which is another issue altogether

Chocolou Sat 24-Sep-16 22:02:47

Omg. This is sounding so familiar to me op. I've now not seen my in laws for 8.5 years and ds or seen them for 8 years. They live quite a way and dp met up with them 3 years ago.

It's not ideal and wish we got on but we don't. I've wasted too many years and too many tears over them. Fil has just had a heart attack, this sounds cruel but I wish it had finished the bastard off.

Pil are totally manipulative and tbh if I didn't have ds and quite a bit credit card debt I'd be off.

Do you think dh would goto counselling? Do you even want to save this relationship?

Believeitornot Sat 24-Sep-16 22:05:04

How are you when discussing this with your dh? Are you quite forceful about it? I only say that because if you act in a way which your dh might find intimidating, he might feel like he is helpless because that's how his childhood is.

He needs support - his father, whom he loves despite his behaviour (major impostor syndrome) and his wife - he has to choose. On the face of it the choice is logically easy but actually having had a horrible childhood I can see why he wouldn't be able to do the "right" thing.

pictish Sat 24-Sep-16 22:05:57

God your fil sounds a tyrant.
I understand your dh is conditioned to this but it's not acceptable, not acceptable at all. Taking your children from you? No fucking way.

Yeah I'm truly sorry you're going through this.

Beebuzy Sat 24-Sep-16 22:06:23

auntie mainly DH has struggled with not being my priority and all my attention has been on DC and feels like I settled for him and don't want to be with him. It's utterly untrue. I work part time but my job is full on and can involve long hours and travel so I'm usually so tired by the time I get home from work all I want to do is put DC to bed and go to sleep. I have been guilty of neglecting him and our sexlife since DC came along but our lives have changed and I'm trying to juggle being a mother with being a wife and having a career and he doesn't understand that I can't just click my fingers and be the attentive perfect wife I was before.

I know that makes DH sound awful, it's truly not as bad as it sounds, I wouldn't be in the relationship if that was the case

ThisIsPlanetEarth Sat 24-Sep-16 22:07:10

It seems like your FIL is a thuggish bully who has got away with this behaviour for years because no one has stood up to him except you and he hates that you have. I had a massive argument with my FIL although there were very stressful circumstances, my husband wasn't there at the time but he phoned his father and told him to never speak to me like that again and what he thought of him. FIL apologised later but I don't see him much now although DH does. Maybe your DH has always been scared of him and retreats to being a small boy in his company but he needs to stand up to him and stand up for you. I would agree with others that you and DC should have nothing more to do with him bu DH needs to dort this out. Is there a MIL? Hope things work out x

HeddaGarbled Sat 24-Sep-16 22:07:17

He's too scared to challenge his father.

What you are asking of him is a massive massive thing. That's not to say that you are wrong to ask it of him, but you do need to understand that this is not something he is going to be able to do without a lot of support, perhaps professional support.

Maybe the place to start is to get him to do some reading about toxic families so that he understands more about how abusive his father is. The Stately Homes thread on here might be a good start.

ThisIsPlanetEarth Sat 24-Sep-16 22:08:01

Also what is FOG?

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