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How do you go on?

(10 Posts)
TheTapir Sat 24-Sep-16 17:58:19

Husband of 15 years, together for almost 20, announced totally out of the blue a few months ago that he wanted out of our relationship and moved out into a rented flat shortly after. He suffers from depression and anxiety and said that he wanted to sort himself out before making a decision about our relationship.
I've been to see him this afternoon and he's made it clear that he's done with me. I am completely devastated. How do you go on? At the moment all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up. No children so no reason to carry on, no local friends to turn to. I just can't see the point, I honestly thought that we'd be together for ever and now I am struggling to make it through each minute.
I've managed to get through the last few months believing that there was some hope, keeping myself busy - I even trained for and completed a 10k run - but I am done.
How do you do it? I am resisting alcohol and diazepam by the skin of my teeth.

Happybunny19 Sat 24-Sep-16 18:04:11

Phone the Samaritans if you're feeling that low and you have no one else to speak to. Stay online and keep chatting to the lovely ladies on here who have been where you are now, they will help you through. I'm so sorry you're going through this terrible time, I haven't really been in the same situation myself but I couldn't read and run without saying hi. Do you have any friends you can contact tonight?

Mrscaindingle Sat 24-Sep-16 18:12:11

I'm so sorry that you're going through his, he has been very cruel if he let you believe that there was some hope that you'd get back together when he has clearly made up his mind up.

You say that you have no local friends to turn to but do you have friends or family that you could call? Maybe go and stay with them for a few days to get away.I had moved to a new area when my ex of 19 years left, I got through it by not thinking too much about the future, throwing myself into work, saying yes to very invite that came my way even if I didn't want to go, crying a lot, phoning friends to rant and watching box sets and movies in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep.

Emotional pain is really awful but it does start to recede and one day you think about your ex and feel nothing. I remember wanting to fast forward a year or so but the process is important to experience so that you get over it.

You may find a new life that would never have happened otherwise.

flapjackfairy Sat 24-Sep-16 18:16:07

No wonder you feel so low you have had your last bit of hope taken from you. But you will get through this and find new purpose in life and you will be happy again. Allow yourself to grieve. Find people in real life to support you . Everything you feel is natural under the circumstances but give it time and you will come out the other side.

Pp suggestion of samaritans is a good one . I an so sorry you are going through this and send you love and best wishes for the future

jeaux90 Sat 24-Sep-16 18:19:22

Be kind to yourself too. Do whatever you need to do. If it's counselling, acupuncture or a massage if you can afford it, do it. I felt wrapped in cling film during a bad break up, it was like everything was muffled despite throwing myself into work and running. Actually the acupuncture really worked for me and I had totally poo poohed it, so talk to your close friends or family as they may well have some sound advice or even just offer a shoulder to rant and cry on. But it will be ok, and as another said, your life may take an unexpected and welcome turn. In the meantime, heal, look after yourself. Big hug xxx

TheTapir Sat 24-Sep-16 18:40:52

Thank you everyone. I have succumbed to a large vodka. I have friends I could ring but I'd just cry down the phone at them. I had already arranged a visit next weekend so will just have to make it through alone until then

Allalonenow Sat 24-Sep-16 18:42:39

My heart goes out you Tapir it is so painful and so hard to see a way through the sadness.
I wish I could give you some good advice.
I was left very suddenly after more than thirty years, when like you I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. We had just retired and had a whole new life abroad planned. He too kept saying he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, and the many months that went on for made it very hard to start any sort of recovery for me.
Once it was over, I was back at square one again, and that is how you must be feeling now.
If you are working, the structure of the working day will help you a lot. Do try to eat, even if you don't feel like it. I plan things to look forward to, a new book, a DVD, small things...

All the best to you Tapir you will come though this horrible time. thanks thanks

BolshierAryaStark Sat 24-Sep-16 18:55:02

It's such a cliché but time really does heal, one day at a time is what I would say. Keep running, I find it really clears my mind & though knackering it also makes me feel great.
If it gets too dark then yes please do contact the samaritans.

CatBallou2 Sat 24-Sep-16 21:53:02

So sorry that you're suffering. It's an awful time to get through. See a counsellor. You'll be able to talk freely, truthfully and emotionally. Visit your GP, for a check up and to talk things through.

Don't expect too much from yourself. You are in shock and this may continue for some time. Be gentle with yourself. Do small things that bring you comfort. Don't push yourself to do anything that will make your pain worse. Eventually, you will feel a little stronger. If you can, spend time with people who will support you and look after you. Someone to give you a hug and a cuppa.

I am 8 months down the line after a break up of a 32 year relationship. I honestly thought that I wouldn't survive a day, but I discovered a strength in me that has helped me through. It is vital that you are kind to yourself and that you take control of your life. Twenty years is such a long time to live a certain way, and now your are grieving the loss of that.

Take care of yourself and keep coming here to talk. It's a good place for support.

Confusedlecturer Sat 24-Sep-16 22:10:36

I'm four months along in this situation now. I have just started to have days when my life takes over and I barely give him a thought and others when I randomly start crying in the car or even worse the checkout queue or bank. So I'm now realising that the not wanting to wake up and not wanting to carry on are very slowly receding. I even have moments now of starting to look forward to a whole new life in my own!

Watching Netflixs in bed and eating at 10pm if I'm not hungry earlier is a revelation! This site helped me more than I can say in the early days, I really don't have any friends in this country any more as they seem to have chosen to stick with my ex and his TV friends and cut me out, so having people here to talk to was a life saver. I've got rid of the TV so when his new programme is on shortly I won't see him or hear him in my house, going no contact as suggested by people on here seems to be the easiest way to cope. You will be fine, it just it's hard to see that so early on, be kind to yourself.

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