Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What's he up to?

(44 Posts)
Mumbles4 Sat 24-Sep-16 15:51:24

My husband fell asleep on the sofa last night and I heard his phone go off. It's normally locked but it seemed an odd time to get a message. Anyway, I had a glance over and not only was it unlocked, but I could see a FB message on his screen. I know I shouldn't have opened it, but I did and now I'm not sure what to make of the messages I saw. He's been messaging a woman, I don't recognise her from her profile photo, but some of it seemed fairly mundane whilst others were very innuendo-laden. He's also sent her a few pictures of himself with our son which seems a bit weird. There's a lot of messages, several a day from what I could see, some are before he leaves for work and quite a lot after I go to bed. He's seemed a bit distant recently but I couldn't put my finger on anything in particular. I felt a bit queasy reading the messages if I'm honest, I just had no idea this was happening. Could it all just be innocent?

Smoogi Sat 24-Sep-16 16:04:02

Doesn't sound innocent to me.
I would take photos of the messages first of all before he finds out you have read them.

SheldonsSpot Sat 24-Sep-16 16:06:40

I was going to ask if he had a long lost sister that you didn't know about, until I got to the bit where some messages were innuendo laden.

My guess, he's told this woman he's single, a single dad (hence the pics of him and your son).

Luvjubs Sat 24-Sep-16 16:14:05

My guess is he's up to no good

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Sat 24-Sep-16 16:19:43

It definitely sounds a bit dodgy to me, but probably like nothing has actually happened between them yet?
I hope you're ok. Had it done to me before children and it's awful flowers
I think you need to confront him and keep pushing if he's denying it.

Claramarion Sat 24-Sep-16 16:23:36

I am sorry but even if he hasn't seen her hers contemplating an affair in his head by messaging her and if this is over a period of time it is worse frankly I'd see this as more of an affair that a one night stand as each day he's messaging her he's cheating. If this is innocent why hasn't he told you. I know this is not what you want to hear but unless this persons a long lost relative or a daughter he didn't know he had you need to confront him!

Mumbles4 Sat 24-Sep-16 16:27:33

I think you're right Mumoftwo, it doesn't read like they've actually done anything, but it feels like it might lead to that. Some of the messages were him asking her to guess what underwear he had on :-(

Ninasimoneinthemorning Sat 24-Sep-16 16:32:05

He is up to no good. Arsehole.

He could actually be deleting really incriminating stuff on the spot - just in case you do come across this shite. Sending pics of him and your ds would give me the rage actually. Go back in phone and send them all to your phone as he will delete the lot when pull him on it.

What a shit flowers

Puff42 Sat 24-Sep-16 16:36:22

Agree with everyone else that it doesn't sound good. I'm so sorry. I think you should take pictures of all the messages in case he deletes them.

Have you told anyone in real life?

AyeAmarok Sat 24-Sep-16 16:36:52

Well he's certainly trying to develop some form of sexual communication or relationship with her.

Which are both a no-no when you're in a relationship.

There is no innocent explanation for that whatsoever.

So he's up to no good and can't be trusted.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Sat 24-Sep-16 16:53:23

I agree Clara it's still cheating and I'd be devastated if I found it on my partners phone. Some people are different though. It doesn't sound good at all OP ;(
I've never understood why people risk a family for something like this. Everyone goes through rough patches even if it's that.

jeaux90 Sat 24-Sep-16 16:56:43

See if you can check for hidden apps like whatsapp or site apps of you get a chance. Sorry OP it doesn't look good! Xxx

Mumbles4 Sat 24-Sep-16 18:00:15

Oh God I feel awful now. I didn't get chance to photo/send any of the messages to myself as he started to wake and I panicked and closed the phone, which then locked it. The messages went back as far as June, that seems to be when it started, although there were so many I didn't get to read half of what was there.

Ninasimoneinthemorning Sat 24-Sep-16 22:07:30

Hi op does he know you went on his phone?

Mumbles4 Sat 24-Sep-16 22:30:16

Nina, no I don't think so. I want to ask him about the messages but no idea how to broach the subject

Happybunny19 Sat 24-Sep-16 22:37:30

Wow you're so much more patient than me, I would have asked who (insert name of fb friend) is by now. Is he on his phone a lot at the moment?

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Sat 24-Sep-16 22:39:24

I'd just come out and ask him who she is and say you saw it pop up on his phone last night. If he shrugs it off, explain you looked through the messages and you don't believe it's innocent and want an explanation. Be strong.

Ninasimoneinthemorning Sat 24-Sep-16 22:42:08

Considering his phone is always locked and you don't have the password I'd be tempted to just say 'I need you to unlock your phone and show me the messages' and take it from there.

He may have already deleted them though

Mumbles4 Sun 25-Sep-16 06:50:05

Well I spoke to him last night. Just came out with it in the end, said I'd seen the message come up and why on Earth he's messaging her. He denied there was anything going on, said she's just a friend from work! He said she's admitted having a bit of a crush on him but he's told her he's not interested. When I asked him about the suggestive messages,he said it was just a bit of banter, but who does that without there being something behind it? So he basically doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong and I'm left feeling totally unsure what to do next. He doesn't seem to get how hurt I am about all this.

maras2 Sun 25-Sep-16 07:08:08

Banter my arse.When is it ever ok to discuss underwear with 'someone at work'? Make him show you the full extent of the messages on his phone and maybe look for a second phone too.I'd also be checking his Ipad or any device he uses for email etc.Hope you can nip this in the bud if not too late.However don't believe a word he says if he still uses the word 'banter'.Next he'll be swearing on all sorts of people's lives.Good luck mumbles Sorry you're going through this.sad.

Ninasimoneinthemorning Sun 25-Sep-16 09:12:36

It's not banter.

Ask him to show you his phone and the read them and don't be surprised if they are all deleted. If they are you know your answer for sure.

Scroll back on here a reread what you first seen.

RedSquirrel24 Sun 25-Sep-16 09:12:52

I'm sorry op, I hope you get to the bottom of this, it is possible from his side that it is just a bit of banter and he hasn't seen or realised the harm it could be doing, the woman from work may be trying to instigate something, get his attention etc, why would he send pics of himself and your DS to her? Do you know any of his other work colleagues to be able to ask about her to get a bit more background? I have a 'banter' messaging with a male friend, mostly smutty jokes, he suffered with depression but helps make him laugh, I know his wife a little too so have said to her that we have this banter as its nothing more than trying to put a smile on his face but if she was unaware of it and came across it I'm not sure what she would have made of it so had wanted to be sure she know and was ok about it, which she is. Perhaps then it is the fact he hasn't mentioned the woman form work or the messages that is why it gives you reason to be hurt, hopefully she is inconsequential to him so much so that he never thought to mention it, however just keep your wits about you in case it is more, really hope it isn't though

Ninasimoneinthemorning Sun 25-Sep-16 09:15:34

He does get how hurt you are but he is bluffing his arse off. He was asking what under wear she had on so he could picture it while he has a wank probably.

Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes, he has a lot to lose if you discover this of course he is lying flowers

Ninasimoneinthemorning Sun 25-Sep-16 09:18:38

red I'm sorry but your bang out of order too messaging a man with a wife with 'smutty' messages. If I was you I'd save you trying to cure his depression to the GP or his actual wife. What would your Dh or dp think if he seen your messages? You do t see the harm in this because you have crossed the line also

Penfold007 Sun 25-Sep-16 09:19:38

OP don't let him fool you, he's having an affair. Sorry

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now