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Desperately need advice please

(15 Posts)
Furrythings Sat 24-Sep-16 12:36:18

A couple of nights ago my dp lost the plot and got very angry. He said awful things about me and threatened to smash my face against a wall. He has never hit me. He has been saying that I don't show any love for him and don't fancy him or have enough sex. He says this has badly affected his confidence. It is true that I've not been that way towards him for a while as there are ongoing problems. He has lost his temper before but not this bad. To give context he has just lost his job and is feeling very low.

However I am fully aware that this is absolutely no excuse for his awful behaviour. He knows this too and is absolutely devastated as I've told him to leave. Trouble is he has no money and nowhere to go. Noone he can stay with. I feel sick with anxiety and fear and don't know what to do.

Luvjubs Sat 24-Sep-16 12:51:26

Kick him out. It's not your problem if he has nowhere to go. He's devastated because he has nowhere to go, not because he's sorry.

Furrythings Sat 24-Sep-16 12:59:28

I know what I've got to do. I'm devastated.

ayeokthen Sat 24-Sep-16 13:03:54

He can go to the council, or find somewhere to sleep. Where he goes isn't your problem, he gave up any right to expect you to give a shit when he abused you. You are the priority here, you need to do what's best for you. He's caused this, let him be the one to deal with it.

Furrythings Sat 24-Sep-16 13:08:08

I'm scared of what he might do. He has been very quiet and calm since because he knows the severity of what he's done but I'm still scared.

ayeokthen Sat 24-Sep-16 13:12:08

You need to get him to leave or if you're worried how he'll react get yourself out of the situation. You can call the police or Women's Aid, you shouldn't have to live in fear.

Muddlingthroughtoo Sat 24-Sep-16 13:14:13

Wow, why would you want sex if he's behaving like this? I doubt you want to be in the same room as him, let alone getting cosy under the duvet!
Does he have family he can stay with? I'm sure he could find somewhere if he wanted to, he just doesn't want to. Do you want him to go? If not, I suggest you both go and speak to a doctor about his anger/depression issues and start counselling or medeation.

MephistoMarley Sat 24-Sep-16 13:19:21

Do you have kids?
You have to kick him out and keep him out. If he has a job and friends then he will have somewhere to stay. If he has neither then he will have to apply to the council for help. He's not your problem.

Furrythings Sat 24-Sep-16 14:31:53

Mephisto I have ds 14 from previous marriage who wasn't at home at the time. I feel sick and ashamed and think my track record shows I can't do relationships.

lukasgrahamfan Sat 24-Sep-16 15:23:02

You don't have to put up with that level of aggression and threatening behaviour and he'll only do it again. Enough is enough.
He can find somewhere else to go and have his tantrums there. His problem not yours.

memyselfandaye Sat 24-Sep-16 15:27:16

Leave, if you won't hurry up and do it for your own sake, do it for that 14yr old boy, who before long will see his Mum with her face smashed in.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 24-Sep-16 15:53:37

It is a small step between verbal violence and physical violence.

Your DP is an inherently violent man who needs to be removed from your home as soon as possible. If he refuses to leave then you will need to involve the authorities. Your son cannot afford to learn that this is how women are treated in relationships by men.

It is not your problem that he has no money and nowhere to go; why are you putting his needs above yours?. That may be co-dependency talking. Your son and you should be your number 1 priority now, not this individual.

If you have a list of failed relationships then perhaps you should seek counselling to discover why you have chosen a man so very badly. What did you learn about relationships when growing up, it may be that your own template from childhood is a warped one and there are lessons that need to be unlearnt.

Hidingtonothing Sat 24-Sep-16 16:05:20

Such a difficult situation this because, although you can see exactly what has to happen, you do feel trapped by the practicalities. I have to agree with pp's though, it's too big a risk you being in the house together so we have to find a solution. What is your housing situation, is it rented or owned, joint names on tenancy or mortgage or just one and if so which one? Would there be anywhere you and DS could stay short term? Please don't think I'm being harsh but you do have to do something, I know that feeling of not wanting to disrupt yours or DC's lives but the disruption of moving out temporarily is infinitely preferable to the potential consequences if you don't. Once someone has crossed a line in terms of losing their temper it's much more likely to happen again and it may well escalate, you can't afford to take that risk. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and it has nothing to do with you 'not being able to do relationships' btw, you are not responsible for his behaviour flowers

Furrythings Sat 24-Sep-16 18:03:23

Hiding I own the house myself so no worries there. So therefore I can't leave. He's being so nice at the moment. He is showing understanding that he is totally in the wrong. I can't get past it though. No excuse for this behaviour. I feel so ashamed and haven't told anyone exactly what's happened. My parents won't be supportive and I have no family nearby. I feel so alone and have laid on the sofa crying most of the day. I feel very depressed and worried about how bad I feel. Ds is with his dad thankfully. I have a history of depression and my stomach is turning over. Don't know if I have the strength to go through with this. I'm so pathetic.

Wolfiefan Sat 24-Sep-16 18:11:01

You aren't pathetic. He is.
You shouldn't be ashamed. He should.
You will somehow find the strength because you can do relationships and deserve to be with someone else who can also behave lovingly and give you all the support you deserve. And also because you don't want your DS thinking this is how relationships should be.
flowers

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