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Need some advice please how to deal with ex

(12 Posts)
trappedinsuburbia Sat 24-Sep-16 11:19:00

Background, together but not living together for a few years due to his drinking. Have a young daughter. He was coming round every day apart from weekends when he would go off on a bender and who knows what else. When he was here it was meant to be to see our daughter, it was clear he was not interested as he would either just rifle through my cupboards then sit on the couch sleeping/watching tv.

Dont ask why I put up with this so long, I don't know why, he always promised to change, I ended up so sick of it all and felt drained and used. I ended it for good after he was meant to come and watch dd so I could go to a course on a Saturday (silly me) and he didn't turn up. It was the straw that broke the camels back.

He has been coming round banging on the doors and windows shouting to dd after he finishes work every night. I told him he can see dd whenever he wants, but not in my house, he needs to pick her up. This apparently is not good enough. He needs to see her in my house, I haven't allowed this, so he hasn't seen her apart from banging on the windows and peering in. I said I had spoken to the police (I hadn't) about him doing this and they said I was to phone them when he appears. This worked for about one day.

He has just left again, shouting that he can't get his car insurance as everything is under my password on his laptop (I have never used his laptop), he doesn't give a fuck about the police and he is going to smash my fucking head in.

I am used to the verbal abuse and manipulation but he has never threatened me.

How the hell do I get him to just leave me alone and stop him coming round. Will it blow over as its still early days?
I am going to have to go through the child maintenance service as there is no way he is going to keep paying for dd and worried about that as well.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Sep-16 11:21:18

I suggest you actually call the police

SleepingTiger Sat 24-Sep-16 11:23:22

I second the suggestion you actually call the police.

Why wouldn't you?

hesterton Sat 24-Sep-16 11:24:12

You shouldn't threaten and not carry out. You MUST call the police now or he will think he can do anything he likes to you and your little girl.

trappedinsuburbia Sat 24-Sep-16 11:24:30

I know I should, i'm still burying my head in the sand hoping it will all go away !!!
Im 41 and he's 53, its bloody embarrassing at this age!!

SleepingTiger Sat 24-Sep-16 11:27:40


Not a condition I would associate with ringing the police to protect you, dd and your home from harm.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Sep-16 11:28:48

I would report him before the neighbours do and this is taken out of your control

How dare he terrorise you and his dc like this. You can get a Non Molestation Order to keep him away from you which if he breaks it he will be liable for criminal charges. See how he likes that. What a pathetic bully.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 24-Sep-16 11:39:59

"I'm still burying my head in the sand hoping it will all go away"

Well it will not and he will keep going on like this trying to control both you and your DD. Stop burying your head in the sand and show your DD that this is not how men should treat women. His behaviour is more, far more, than just mere embarrassing and that is you underplaying his actions.

Also you do not do yourself any favours by threatening to call the police and not doing so. He is taking you for a sap.

Call the police toda and seek advice to further obtain a non molestation order against him.

ladylambkin Sat 24-Sep-16 12:10:48

Agree with other posters you need to call Police and let them deal with it. Show your DD that it's not acceptable to be treated this way.

I know you no doubt feel scared but you need to stop being soft with this bully

Myusernameismyusername Sat 24-Sep-16 12:13:58

You will teach your daughter that this acceptable behaviour. You have to show her this is not. You need boundaries.

Call the police. It is harassment and you hoping it will go away is definitely head in the sand.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 24-Sep-16 12:36:24

Email him to the effect that the only future contract between you will be via email. That he's welcome to spend time with his daughter as long as it's pre-arranged and agreed between the two of you but it will never be in your home ever again. He needs to take her out and do something worthwhile with her, rather than just parking his arse on your sofa and watching your TV.

It's plain that the visits to your home were never about spending time with his child or he'd have paid her some attention.

The next time he turns up banging on doors and windows call the police before your neighbours do it for you. You should probably call them on 101 now and explain that he's harassing you. You could go for a non-molestation order if he carries on being an arsehole.

Fully expect things to get MUCH WORSE once you decide to go via CMS for child-support. For this reason alone you should make contact with the police.

Luvjubs Sat 24-Sep-16 13:08:23

You do actually need to call the police now. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and is very detrimental for your daughter to hear and witness. Clearly you've used the 'police' line and he doesn't believe you. Time to follow through. I would also inform close neighbours. Make sure you always lock Windows/doors. Having been in a similar situation I would also speak to SS. My situation has improved, however I don't allow dd dad to come to our house as he is so unpredictable (also drink problem funnily enough and also old enough to know better). If your daughter is of school age I would inform school of issues with exp.
Do not have contact unless via email and keep it about daughter. Do not get embroiled with arguments.

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