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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Oh crap :(

30 replies

Glitterball86 · 24/09/2016 07:49

Not really sure if this is the right topic to post under so apologies!

So I currently have 1 DC and am almost 6 months pregnant.
DP was not happy with my decision to keep the baby, for a number of reasons, but, after suffering a MC earlier in the year, I felt I wanted to keep this baby.
We have been arguing on and off for the last 6 weeks however, on Tuesday, he went and spoke with his parents and decided it would be best if he moved in with them and stays with me on weekends etc to see how we go, we watched the DVD of the scan I had to find out the sex of the baby and he had started showing an interest in my ever growing belly, which was nice and I finally thought we would be getting back on track.
Fast forward to yesterday, I picked him up and in the car he started to tell me how unhappy I make him, that I'm a liar, manipulative and a money grabber amongst other things.
When we got home he put DC in his walker and proceeded to follow me upstairs where the rowing continued and, I am ashamed to admit, I saw red and attacked him, leaving a number of scratches on his face which were bleeding and he pushed me up against the door, punching he walks beside me then put me on the flow and smacked my leg with my shoe and threw my shoe at my face, I was led on the floor crying.
I then said I would go for a drive so I went to the shops for all of about ten minutes so I could calm down and try to process what happened.

When I got back, he was crying and said he had phoned all his family to ask them to come and pick DC up as he was so angry he felt he couldn't be trusted with him, I thought this was a start as at least he admitted there was a problem and he had taken steps to try and resolve this. I made a comment about me being slagged off to his family.
Anyway, he explains his mum is coming but for me to take DC out for a while as his DM was coming to pick him up.
I did this, but didn't drive very far as it was like I was seeing stars and I certainly didn't feel safe so we returned home after 10 minutes or so and he had gone.
I was giving DC his dinner when there was a knock at the door, it was the police, his sister had contacted them to say I had attacked her brother.
So I sat down, gave a statement and answered all their questions, in between being a crying mess.
They said they would need to speak to him as well but I explained I wasn't sure where he was.
As the police were leaving, he turned up with his mum , the police went outside and said he could say bye to DC, which he did , all the while shouting at me saying he was going to get arrested (not true as the police said they just wanted to hear his side) and said if he carried on shouting at me then he would be arrested.
After about an hour, I recieved a call from the police advising they have spoken to him and they have marked the file as no further action but that I should receive a call from Lighthouse or similar today, again all fine, and the police officer explained his mum would be coming to collect some of his things.
So I then text him to ask if he wanted anything specific and I would get it ready - didn't receive a reply so I put some stuff in a bag for him.
There was then a knock at the door, it was FIL - he wouldn't speak to me other than to ask where his keys were whilst MIL waited in the car and EXDP stood across the road on the other side.
I didn't hear from him last night at all - I know he went out with some of his friends which was fine but today I still feel deeply ashamed and devestated as to what I have done and how it was left!
I start a course of CBT next week to try and help with the feelings I've been experiencing over the last 8 weeks or so as I don't want to go down the medication road just yet!
I'm not even really sure why I wrote this post but I suppose I wanted to hear other people's views or thoughts on what I should do as I am in bits
Thank you for reading!!

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Whoooodat · 24/09/2016 07:55

It all sounds horrendous. I think the best you can do is stay apart for the duration of the pregnancy and if the children are not safe which you both recognise they aren't, you shouldn't be together at all.

Only liaise through his parents if you absolutely have to. No texts or chats as it sounds just too volatile.

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Somerville · 24/09/2016 08:08

You both attacked each other. As evidenced by the police not arresting either of you.

But - warning - if it happens again you could instead both be arrested. In which case social services could take a dim view of your abilities to keep you children safe.

Aside from that, this bloke sounds stronger than you (restrained you against a wall?) and you know he has a temper so as well as being wrong to scratch him it is dangerous for you and your child.

Therefore you need to remain apart. You need to gather as much support from your own friends and family and outside organisations as you can. His family have taken his side and shouldn't be trusted. Is there someone neutral you could communicate through?

Go and see your GP and midwife to check you and the baby.
Also if there are any joint assets, see a solicitor.

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Glitterball86 · 24/09/2016 08:16

It's not happened before and it won't ever happen again

I asked the police if Ss would now be involved and they said it is standard to pass the information to their safeguarding team so they may or may not be in touch but they didn't have any concerns for my DC they could tell I wasn't coping tho as I cried about 20 times when they were speaking to me

I am in bits that I allowed myself to attack him

There are no joint assets as we aren't married

I'm NC with my family and not sure if there is a neutral person I can think of

Grrrrr why have I let myself get in this situation :(

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Whoooodat · 24/09/2016 08:37

I don't see how you can be so certain it won't happen again. Tbh when it's reached this stage I don't think there's any going back. It's too risky for the dc as much as anything.

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Somerville · 24/09/2016 08:38

If that kind of frenzy of emotions resulting in losing control and scratching someone has never happened to you here then you especially need to talk to you GP or midwife. It can be a symptom of a few different psychological conditions that occur in pregnancy.
Also, being able to show social services (you know to expect that they will get in touch, right?) that you are engaging with medical support will help.

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Glitterball86 · 24/09/2016 09:16

I'm the least violent person I know never have I been involved in any physical violence- it scared me!

I've been seeing GP regularly re my mental health and contacted the DAU so am waiting to be seen by them now to check all is ok so will make sure I mention it , thank you

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RedMapleLeaf · 24/09/2016 09:22

What are your priorities now?

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DollyBarton · 24/09/2016 09:24

I don't know who is more to blame here but I'm not sure it matters at this point. You would obviously both be safer, healthier and happier apart. I think you need to focus on this and make plans and peace with moving forward as single parents. You can come back from this, and be good parents but you can't do it as a couple. Sometimes life just gets out of control but that doesn't define you. What defines you, your future and what kind of parent you will be us how you handle the aftermath.

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Mojito7 · 24/09/2016 09:35

Glitter - sorry when he pushed you to the wall, who was punching who? Also, pushing a pregnant woman to the wall and then onto the floor before hitting you with a shoe, doesn't really sound like "restraint" to me. He could have just held your arms or something.
Don't blame yourself as this "D" P sounds like a child and a waste of space to be honest. He is living with his mum, he shows little interest in the baby anyway. Talk to social services and your GP and I do hope you can find some support there.

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SleepingTiger · 24/09/2016 11:53

You both exercised physical abuse. We are all capable of it, we all get flashes of anger and want to lash out, but we do not always exercise it. In the most extreme situations we do though. It is not an excuse, because most people have the strength to keep their hands in their pockets and walk away.

Your relationship as you know it is over. You will never be able to get the image of what you did out of your head. And neither will he of pushing you to the floor when pregnant and beating you.

So, you have to find your own life now separate from his. To be honest, I believe his family were more important to him than you and his babies from your post. He couldn't step up to his family and wanted to go home to his mum.

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thedancingbear · 24/09/2016 12:19

I'm pretty appalled by the posts seeking to justify the OP's behaviour. She attacked her partner leaving facial wounds which were bleeding. It sounds like his reaction may have gone beyond self-defence but in no way excuses the initial assault. This is all with a 1yo downstairs.

It's such a cliche to say this, but if the roles were reversed, the advice would be LTB and call the police.

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thedancingbear · 24/09/2016 12:20

You both exercised physical abuse. We are all capable of it

Speak for your fucking self.

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AnyFucker · 24/09/2016 12:29

I am not sure what your question is, OP but I do know one thing

Your relationship is over

Please do not subject your children to a household with domestic violence in it ever again (irrespective of who started it etc). It's best that you make that decision and uphold it, before someone in authority does it for you. This is your warning. Your child(ren) are now on the radar for being in a position where their needs are not being safeguarded. It is likely you won't get any more chances.

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Glitterball86 · 24/09/2016 12:29

There is absolutely no excuse for how I behaved it was unacceptable and I have to live with that forever!!

It was entirely my fault I shouldn't have reacted how I did but it all got too much and I did now I just need to focus on going forward and looking after myself and the DC's -

The assessment unit have said I've got concussion and, following a trip to a And e, no damage has been done as a result of this

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Glitterball86 · 24/09/2016 12:30

I wasn't really sure at the point of my post I suppose I just needed to write it down to make some sort of sense of it

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FoxesSitOnBoxes · 24/09/2016 12:38

Yes, agreeing with AF. The relationship has to be over now. You need to show that your children are your priority and that you are keeping them safe and that means not living with domestic violence.

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Buzzardbird · 24/09/2016 12:42

We are not 'all capable of physical abuse', that is ridiculous. You must not 'normalize' the OP's behaviour, or that of her partner. They need to split for obvious reasons. There is no going back from this.

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ageingrunner · 24/09/2016 12:44

Obviously you were both in the wrong, but he is physically stronger than you, and you are pregnant and he attacked you. Much more than was needed for restraint. You need to split up or next time it's likely to be worse.
What kind of man hits his pregnant partner in the face with a shoe? Not a good man I'm afraid.

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mummyto2monkeys · 24/09/2016 13:05

Having never been violent myself, listening to the op who has explained that he was saying incredibly hurtful things, the op tries to escape the situation and he followed her which would make me feel trapped. If my dh was goading me like that, whilst making me feel trapped, I can't say I wouldn't have wanted to slap his face! Especially when feeling vulnerable and pregnant. This man hit the op (the women carrying his child) hard enough on the head with a shoe to cause a concussion! I bet her (d)p didn't tell his sister that! Have none of you ever been goaded? I have a temper that results in tears, not in violence but whilst the op was in the wrong, I think her (d)p is by far the worst in this situation! Its almost like he set this situation up, to result in irreversible separation. Has he always been like this op? Has he been verbally/ emotionally abusive in the past?

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SleepingTiger · 24/09/2016 13:10

We are all capable of physical assault.

I disbelieve you if you say otherwise.

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MephistoMarley · 24/09/2016 13:12

It's impossible to say from one post whether the partner is abusive but I noticed that you had 2 unplanned pregnancies in a short period of time- how did that happen?
He said some awful things to you after 6 weeks of rowing (why?) and followed you upstairs to continue the row.
My point is that whilst it sounds like he's probably emotionally abusive to you, you have ado been violent towards him, and therefore this relationship is broken beyond repair.

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DollyBarton · 24/09/2016 13:14

I was a few time goaded so badly by an ex I wanted to hurt myself but it could very easily have resulted in me hurting him. I think we are all capable of violence in the right (or. wrong) conditions and especially if we have been raised around any violence (which I definitely wasn't).

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Lewwat · 24/09/2016 13:25

The double standards on here are mind-boggling!! I bet if a man had be "goaded" into violence there would be a lot of different responses

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clam · 24/09/2016 13:31

I don't see many double-standards. Most people are telling the OP that she was out-of-order too.

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greenfolder · 24/09/2016 13:43

The only way is up now. Focus on your Dc. You were violent and he retaliated when he probably was unwise to.
There is nothing to salvage from the relationship and in reality it sounds like it was already over.
Take any and all help offered. Think about the environment in which to raise your kids and think about how to keep yourself well.

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