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Long distance relationships

(8 Posts)
CeciledeVolanges Sat 24-Sep-16 07:37:46

Good morning all and thanks in advance for reading.
I'm in a long distance relationship and it isn't going very well, but instead of presenting my (probably biased) view on the situation, I would like to ask if anyone else has been in a long distance relationship and has any tips about what helps. Obviously I can guess being polite, etc but things like how many calls, how many visits, when does social life take priority, long term plans etc.
Thanks again!

redlittlesquirrel Sat 24-Sep-16 18:35:53

I've been in a couple of long distance relationships and it is tough but I don't think there is any definite answer to your questions. I also think it depends on how "long" the distance is.

My first serious relationship was long distance for the first nearly 3 years and we would call most days, text most days, though not always frequently. We would see each other as often as money/work would allow (usually at least once a month). I think it is important that you both maintain a social life separately - e.g. one of you isn't constantly stuck at home not wanting to go out while the other is out every other day. He, at the time, had more of a social life than I did (I'm quite shy and was working in an office full of middle aged women - I was 17 when we first started dating - so didn't really have much in common with them, which made it harder to meet new people. The friends I had at school had all pretty much moved away or were in relationships so didn't really see them) and that did upset me at times - not so much that I resented him having a social life as I was sad that I didn't really have one. Our long term plan was always to save some money, for me to find a job where he lived (he was willing to move to where I was but I hated it so that was immediately not an option) and move in together and live happily ever after. We did end up moving in together but the relationship was...difficult after that and eventually ended 3 years after I'd moved (though was really over before that).

Second serious long distance relationship was a lot more long distance (different countries). We used to Skype most days but not much contact aside from that. I went to visit him once, he came to visit me once (but for longer term - long story but let's just say it wasn't because he couldn't bare to be apart from me). We both had social lives outside of the relationship and he would never hesitate to put his social life first. Long term wise, he would talk about engagement and marriage (far too early and definitely for the wrong reasons) but ultimately, we were completely wrong for each other, with hindsight he was showing at least some signs of being emotionally abusive and in the end he cheated on me, after going to a party with some friends and basically telling his friends to stop him from cheating on me because he knew that it was going to happen. Apparently he'd always fancied her but he did try to get his friends not to let it happen, so he seemed to think that made it their fault, not his. We carried on for a while after that but that, along with some other things I don't want to type out here, meant that my only option was to end things.

My current relationship was long distance for 8 months-ish. We would text most days, call less frequently and would see each other when we could. I moved back to be with him as soon as I could (we lived in the same town, then I had to move somewhere else for a while - again, long story).

I've had other experiences but they are the more serious relationships, and probably far more than you wanted/needed to know anyway, so I won't bore you with the rest!

I really think it varies depending on so many factors - how far apart you are, work situations, personality, so what is right for you might not be right for someone else.
The one definitive thing, though, is that long distance relationships are tough and definitely take an awful lot of work so it won't work if you aren't both 100% in.

CeciledeVolanges Mon 26-Sep-16 23:20:38

Thank you, this is really helpful! I'm going to read through a couple of times, but I really appreciate you writing it all out.

redlittlesquirrel Tue 27-Sep-16 17:27:01

You're welcome! Sorry, it was far longer than I intended it to be! Hopefully there will be something of use for you though.

Let me know if you want to know anything else or just want to vent smile

wideboy26 Tue 27-Sep-16 17:39:55

My son married his girlfriend of 10 years standing last summer. She is American and they met when he did a year in the States during his undergrad days. Subsequently they lived together on and off in the UK, South America, and the US according to what they were both doing at the time. At times he would be in South America while she was in the States or he would be in the UK while she was in the States. After 9 years or so he went to do a PhD in the Sates so that he could be with her. We never really talked about matters of the heart, but he did say about that move "It's just too hard to do long distance love, Dad". The following year he announced that they were getting married. They now live together I'm delighted to say!

BlueNeighbourhood Tue 27-Sep-16 18:10:18

I'm currently in a LDR too, it's amazing but horrible all at the same time!

We have been friends for years however only started a relationship about three months ago so we are adjusting to the situation now and it's difficult. She definitely has more of a social life than me - she's on holiday and out with her friends most nights and I play one sport or another every night. However we've always had one night a week that is just ours. We'll usually sit in our rooms and text each other. Sometimes we'll Skype or talk on the phone.

We do however text all day, every day. From the second we wake up until we sleep, which will die down eventually but we're in that new relationship phase whereby we just want to be together all the time! We both hate when we can't talk much which is usually when we're both at work, and always make sure we are the last person we text at night. We hardly talk on the phone, we Skype and see each other at least once a month. We have two weekends in a row coming up next week which is going to be amazing!

I love spending time with her and our conversations are constantly 'I wish....' types but I guess it shows how much we do like each other. We always keep it interesting with the whole text sex aspect, it's fun and flirty and just makes me even more desperate to see her! But for now we are happy, we take each day as it comes and don't make huge long term plans for us either.

Mummydummy Tue 27-Sep-16 22:23:29

I married my LDR after 5 years of living apart, then working in different cities but sharing a house for 2 years. We used to see each other once every two weeks till we lived together. No skype then so phone chats. We were married for 20 years.

Recent LDR for year and 4 months (on the other side of the world) - we saw each other every 3 months for 3 weeks, skyped a couple of times a week, emailed, messaged and chatted on facetime. But kept busy with home life and social life.

coeurcourageuse Wed 28-Sep-16 11:36:14

Currently in an a very new LDR. Boyfriend has moved away from our hometown for a job in Ireland - incredible opportunity for him and he definitely needed it in terms of self-confidence/financial security. We've only been together for 3 months, just done our first month long distance.

We text each other little updates everyday when we're at work, but will usually call/Facetime most nights for a good hour or so which is mostly how we communicate. The first weekend without him was the hardest, but knowing I can reach him and he's not that far away helps. I'm going out to see him for the first time this weekend - nervous but can't wait grin and then he's coming home the following weekend. We both love to travel so planning weekends away in Europe (time/money dependent) keeps us going too.

In terms of social life taking over, I have two rules:
1) That talking to each other shouldn't generally prevent us from doing things with our family/friends irl, ie. not turning down plans in order to talk to each other unless we want to, not because we feel guilty.
2) It's the effort that's the most important thing. Would rather have a few heartfelt texts than a distracted phone call. He has said he feels like he's not putting enough time in, but I'm happy and feel like we both make equal amounts of effort to communicate.

I think the real test for us as a couple will be when I go back to university in April (long story) - atm I have little social life other than him and and a few friends so I expect things will change.

Take one day at a time. As redlittlesquirrel said, LDRs depend on so many things so I try and take one day at a time. smile

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