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Do I have to see him?

(25 Posts)
Iamgettingout Sat 24-Sep-16 00:15:30

Had an email today from my stbxh requesting that I meet up with him this weekend to discuss "things". As per usual he has dictated the time, place etc, however I am working so can't make the designated time.

From past experiences, I know that he wants to meet to brow beat me into agreeing to mediation and thus accepting a settlement that would not benefit me or our children. He has already decided what he wants!

My solicitor does not recommend mediation, our relationship was emotionally and financially abusive and having given up my career to look after the children etc my earning potential is nowhere near his. He is fighting payment of spousal maintenance even in the short term, says he sees no reason why he should "keep" me. I do work but part time and flexibly as our youngest has a chronic illness that requires frequent hospital visits and doctor's appointments, so there is no way at the moment that I could work full time aside from the fact that I have suffered from severe anxiety and depression myself and my GP thinks I will crack again if I put myself under anymore stress.

I don't want to meet him, we had have had a few weeks over the summer completely no contact and that did me a world of good. He is now back on the scene though and comes to the house to potter in the garden and garage whenever he feels like with little or no warning. I have asked him to let me know in advance if he needs to come round but he will text when he has arrived and is sitting in his car outside.

He is not, so far, violent but I still feel very intimidated by him, he talks at rather than to me, won't listen to or dismisses anything I have to say, then emails or texts me later with a summary of what "we" have agreed even though I have done my damnedest to make him hear that I do not agree.

I really just want to email him and tell him that I don't want to see him (preferably never again) and to just put whatever he wants to tell me in an email but I worry that he will sense that I am still afraid of him and that it will play straight into his hands.. I would also feel guilty doing this, I know he was shocked and hurt when I told him I wanted a divorce. He hasn't taken anything I said in the run up to him leaving on board nor did he try and fix it and has made out to all and sundry that this came totally out of the blue and he has done nothing wrong! After 20+ years of thinking I was going mad I finally realised it wasn't me but there is still a part of me that doesn't want to upset/anger him as I worry about the consequences of doing so.

Apologies for the length of this post, I guess what I really want are opinions on whether I should just suck it up and meet him or tell him I don't want to see him?

jeaux90 Sat 24-Sep-16 00:22:42

Nope of course you do not have to see him love, and you don't even need to hear his crap via email. Stay strong, and clearly part of that means limited communication with the nasty git.

housewifedesperate Sat 24-Sep-16 00:24:43

Nope. You don't have to see him and it sounds as if he's controlling so seeing him would be detrimental to you.
He's your ex so he doesn't get to dictate anymore. Don't worry about what he thinks because quite frankly, that's none of your concern anymore.

ConkerTriumphant Sat 24-Sep-16 04:24:14

You don't even have to answer the text

KickAssAngel Sat 24-Sep-16 04:26:35

Nope. He wants to meet so he can say things he wouldn't dare put in writing. Tell him to stick it in an email, and let him know you'll be sharing it with your solicitor.

TyrionLannisterforKing Sat 24-Sep-16 05:01:14

Say a firm no. I am not familiar with legislation in UK; is it possible to deny him access to your house?

He was shocked when you asked for a divorce because he thought you were eating from the palm of his hand - do not let him guilt trip you.

If you feel like writing an email, do it. I even volunteer to write a rather impersonal, cold draft, if you wish. Just remember to correct the mistakes, afterwards, because I assure you there will be plenty.

Stay strong.

myfriendnigel Sat 24-Sep-16 05:03:39

If you want to reply just say "I'm not X silence to meet with you.Please out all your points in an email and I will respond in due course". Or don't reply.
I'm concerned that he keeps showing up in your garden though.do you both own the house?

Penfold007 Sat 24-Sep-16 06:16:30

No you don't have to meet him, you can ignore the email or send a reply saying no to meeting and all communication via solicitor. Speak to solicitor to see if you can have an order put in place to stop him coming to the house.

Fidelia Sat 24-Sep-16 06:26:30

Do you know what I do when my Ex tries this? I simply say (or email him) "No need to meet up, why don't you just email me?"

You don't need to do what he wants. You shouldn't meet up (mine knew he had an advantage in my actual presence and he could promise whatever he liked and then backtrack because it was all verbal, or even gaslight and say I'd agreed to things I hadn't).

AyeAmarok Sat 24-Sep-16 06:51:40

Another saying don't meet up.

Just reply saying "No, I don't want to meet up, whatever you want to discuss you can put in an email".

Luvjubs Sat 24-Sep-16 13:16:25

You don't have to see or have any contact with him. It can go though solicitor. Don't play his games. He is still trying to exert authority. Oh and he will pay spousal support. Cheeky bugger!

Luvjubs Sat 24-Sep-16 13:17:37

If it were me I'd also get a big dog in the garden for next time he feels like letting himself in and 'pottering' grin

0dfod Sat 24-Sep-16 13:28:19

Do not meet up and do not respond to anything else unless communication is done via email. Emails can be used as legal documents as they are time stamped. Simply tell him to put all communication to you by email and that you will forward them on to your solicitor.

So block him from all other communication avenues.

SleepingTiger Sat 24-Sep-16 13:31:39

I assume he does not come in the house and given that he has entered the legal divorce proceedings has handed all house keys over?

If he is then pottering in the garden you should establish his reasons. He doesn't need to cut the grass or dust the flowerpots and if he needs the bicycle pump or the spare tin of paint for his new home, then he takes all he wants in one go and leaves you in peace.

You are paying your solicitor to deal with the divorce and you have paid taxes or otherwise contributed to the economy to be able to have healthcare and other benefits when you need them.

His 'offer' to mediate is irrelevant. Stick to your solicitors rules and kick this divorce into touch.

user1474193901 Sat 24-Sep-16 16:29:56

No you most definitely don't have to see him. I'm recently out of a very controlled marriage and currently going through divorce. Mediation no.1 was absolutely hideous, with him manipulating everything. So mediation no.2 was 'shuttle' mediation, where he is in a separate room. That was soooooo much easier. I think it must have completely spun him out as the very next day I got an email (I requested no direct contact weeks ago) asking for another mediation session to sort finances, but it would HAVE to be face-to-face. It all about control. I most certainly won't be even if it takes longer and costs more, it's worth it for my sanity.
I would certainly reinforce that you H Is not just to turn up unannounced. It sounds like he's checking up on you to me. Good luck

Iamgettingout Sat 24-Sep-16 22:58:05

Thank you all for your responses.

I will try and answer all your questions, forgive me if I've missed any.

I will reply and tell him to email me. Though he does make me feel bad because he says to the kids that he is hurt and doesn't understand why I won't to talk to him. They then tell me that I am making things unnecessarily difficult because he moans at them and that upsets them.

I am definitely not going to even contemplate mediation. He is refusing to engage a solicitor, delays all his responses, then rings my solicitor on the day reply was due and asks for more time or additional information. This of course costs me money every time.

He has come into the house a couple of times when he thought there was no one in. I was upstairs he didn't know I was there, he took some stuff but doesn't know I know. He has lots of bikes and spends hours tinkering with them, as he is in a tiny flat they are all still in the garage. Apparently I agreed that he could come and go to the garage as he pleases!

The house is owned jointly but he regards it as his as I haven't earned enough over the last fifteen years to contribute towards the mortgage.

Like many abusive men he appears to be charming and likeable to all outside the home, it is only me and the kids that get to see his nasty temper, the sulking, the tantrums when things don't go his way.

Fidelia: This is exactly what he does!: mine knew he had an advantage in my actual presence and he could promise whatever he liked and then backtrack because it was all verbal, or even gaslight and say I'd agreed to things I hadn't.

summerbreezer Sat 24-Sep-16 23:11:10

Though he does make me feel bad because he says to the kids that he is hurt and doesn't understand why I won't to talk to him. They then tell me that I am making things unnecessarily difficult because he moans at them and that upsets them.

What a complete shit. This shouldn't make you feel bad, OP, it should make you boil with rage. HOW DARE HE use, upset and manipulate your kids in this way.

Tell him to contact your solicitor. That is why you have one - to be a barrier between you and him. All the best.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 24-Sep-16 23:24:39

You tell your kids that he should not be involving them in adult problems.

You email him and tell him not to discuss your relationship problems with the children because they are children and it is not in their best interests.

You give the children some words to say to him "Dad, we are not supposed to talk about Mum with you."

If he keeps on at them, you email him each time reminding him to keep them out of it, and get the solicitor on it if it is too persistent.

0dfod Mon 26-Sep-16 08:05:09

A judge would not look kindly on him using and manipulating, basically psychologically abusing the children by talking about you in such a manner as you describe here. It could be seen as a safeguarding issue, see what can be done about this.

Iamgettingout Mon 26-Sep-16 18:01:54

Odfod, the older two are 18 now so he views them as adults and therefore talks to them as adults and expects them to just deal with it. If he is aware that he is manipulating he doesn't care and they won't say anything to him as it doesn't make any difference so I get to deal with all the mixed emotions. He has no empathy and doesn't consider that anyone but him is entitled to feelings.

By his own choice he has limited contact with our youngest, he can't deal with her illness anyway, and she is happy with this so all we are really trying to do is sort out the finances. His view is that everything we own is his and if he had his way I would be left with nothing. He earns a massive salary and has always had lots of money to spend on himself, his hobbies etc. while watching me scrabble around trying to get enough money together to buy school shoes and then complains that I dress the kids in clothes from Primark while he orders endless stuff from Amazon. He refused to change his address when he moved out (a control thing I guess). I started sending all his Amazon and Ebay stuff back, surprisingly there hasn't been much post for him in the last few weeks!

Iamgettingout Tue 27-Sep-16 15:48:23

I texted stbxh to say I don't want to see him and will not be doing mediation. Now sitting waiting nervously for his reaction who knows how long he will leave me hanging on. I hate the way he makes me feel like this even now. sad

ConkerTriumphant Tue 27-Sep-16 22:18:19

You're doing great! Has he responded?

Iamgettingout Tue 27-Sep-16 22:26:20

Yes, Conker with a list of documents he needs as he left everything here.

I don't feel great to be honest, I was very blunt and I am worried for some stupid reason that I may have hurt his feelings. Also stressing that me refusing to meet him will just make him dig his heels in and he will make the process harder or take it out on the kids. Sometimes it just seems like I can't win. sad

Bogeyface Tue 27-Sep-16 22:44:39

You are already winning, thats why he is behaving like this. He knows that he has lost his marriage and despite his charming persona, he also knows that people will be wondering why you left if he is so perfect. His image as Mr Perfect Family Man has been damaged and his ego cant deal with that.

He will drag it out yes, but ultimately you will get what you need and want, which is a divorce and a fair settlement from him.

Keep the faith, dont let the bastard drag you down.

AdoraBell Tue 27-Sep-16 22:48:06

Is the garden open and accessible from the street? If not, if you have a 6 foot fence with a door style gate then put a bolt on that, but halfway down so it cannot be reached by stretching over the gate. And lock the garage from the inside if possible. You did this because you've had random dogs wandering inwink

As for meeting up, nope. And as suggested tell him to email, if that isn't good enough he can contact your solicitor.

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