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I feel like I will be alone forever

(10 Posts)
Verydownaboutitall Fri 23-Sep-16 21:07:11

I was married for many years to someone who was horrible to me. It took me years to realise. We never once went out for the whole relationship. He used to tell me I was too ugly to be seen with.

So, fast forward and I am away from him. Have been for a few years. I really want to meet someone nice and I just can't. I have hardly met anyone in real life. I do lots of man-abundant activities, where there are lots of nice men - not one of them has been single. I've tried OLD but I haven't got as far as the dating part. I've sent LOTS of messages but not got one reply. Only two people have even viewed my profile. I am on multiple sites. I think it is a good profile. I have lots of interests, I'm active, I'm educated. The only thing is that I have a job not a career, and I have children. I have asked friends to look at my profile and they say it is good. I'm confident, friendly, chatty, all that stuff. Always happy and smiling.

I've put the most flattering photos I could get on my profile. I had literally hundreds taken by my very patient friends and I was pleased with the ones we chose. I don't mean I look stunning but I look like me. I don't really look good in photos on the whole which is why I went through the whole rigmarole of getting what I thought were decent ones.

There is one person who likes me but I just don't fancy him. I have given things a chance to develop. He is a good friend and he is a good person and he likes me a lot. But I'm not attracted to him. He is very overweight to the extent that he has health and mobility problems and I feel shallow for not being attracted to such a lovely and genuine person. Having been with someone who wasn't attracted to me I would never do that to somebody else.

And that's it really. There's just nobody. One man thought I would be up for a shag because I wouldn't get anyone else - I wasn't.

I can't go to meet-up groups as I am remote rural. I can't move as I can't uproot the children. Other people who live here have no problem getting together with someone. There are people here, just not large towns full of them. But its not unpopulated.

It has to be my looks. I am really beginning to think my ex was right and I am ugly. All those years that he said that to me I never really took it to heart. I never once worried about the way I looked. I feel like it is laughable for me to want to meet someone. I think I must have some sort of disorder where I think I am a lot more attractive than I am.

I looked at all my threads from years ago when I posted about my marriage and there are messages saying I will meet someone lovely and I am bloody tempted to bump them all and say no I won't.

soaringdoves Fri 23-Sep-16 21:39:56

Im sorry you feel that way about the way you look. It is horrible when you feel that way. It's a cliche but it really is whats on the inside that counts and its also a lot to do with confidence when you want to meet someone. I dont mean over confidence i just mean being comfortable with who you are.
Some people dont look good in photographs but when you meet them in real life you go 'wow' because they have charm about them or they are confident and good talkers.
I would scrap the online dating it is doing your confidence no favours. If possible you should try and get out a little more. Mixing with ppl in rl gives them a taster for who you really are and not just a profile pic.
You most likely wont be alone forever, im a firm believer that there is someone out there for everyone. Enjoy your singe life for now, get your hair done etc if money allows and if not then just do it yourself. Paint your nails, wear flattering clothes, and smile at strangers, be that attractive woman you hope to be just by feeling it on the inside (confidence) and looking it on the outside ( taking care of your appearance). Good luck

Verydownaboutitall Fri 23-Sep-16 21:44:57

I don't feel unattractive. That's sort of the issue. I was thinking I was above averagely attractive. If that was the case I think I would have had a bit more interest. Now I'm wondering if I was a bit deluded all along.

I think the only thing it can be is my looks.

soaringdoves Fri 23-Sep-16 21:58:14

Sorry op i was reading your post with a chatty 4 yr old hanging over my shoulder so i must have miss-read what you wrote.
Dont worry wether you are ugly or if you are beautiful it really is whats inside that counts. The right person will come along at the right time. Just keep enjoying your life and getting out to meet new people

jeaux90 Sat 24-Sep-16 00:07:13

Hi OP. I am sorry you have had such a hard time. I too felt it hard to meet people as a single parent but please try and focus on all the great things about yourself. You sound strong and lovely, not shallow at all! You can't fall in love with someone you don't respect or fancy and maybe he is just a nice friend. Please try not to worry about finding a partner, odds are in your favour that you will. being happy in your own skin is way more important than meeting someone. (OLD tip....its brutal so don't take it personally but guys do like to see a photo that shows a head to toe shot, they can see your figure, I know, so shallow but it was a tip from a male friend and it worked in terms of footfall on my profile) I don't do OLD anymore, can't be arsed smile

Verydownaboutitall Sat 24-Sep-16 07:41:13

Thanks, yes, I have full length photo up but it is in the profile ie you have to click on the profile to see it. I have a head and shoulders shot that would show up on the search page. I think having the full length one on the search page would be a bit small iyswim. I look at lots of women's profiles to check out what they have on there blush

Mistykit Sat 24-Sep-16 13:10:09

Try Happn or Bumble apps rather than traditional OLD. I had much better luck in apps than sites... On sites I mostly got too old, obese, chavs, unemployeds etc. Avoid Tinder.

hermione2016 Sat 24-Sep-16 13:30:37

I know this sounds trite but you need to change your focus away from meeting someone and just getting on with life.

I've just started to read Transitions book which was recommended on MN, it talks about the outward change I.e moving on from a marriage but also the inward change that needs to happen.

After my 1st relationship ended I focussed on the changes to the external parts of my life but not on the internal changes.I met my now stbxh and realised I hadn't fixed issues (despite being single for 4 years).You mention how damaged your self esteem was from your ex and it still feels present in your post.I think getting validation from a new partner isn't going to be the deep fix you need.

If your self esteem isn't high when entering dating you could be vulnerable to men who won't have your best interests at heart.

Verydownaboutitall Sat 24-Sep-16 14:07:44

I don't think I have low self esteem. I have said that all the time I was with him I never took on board what he was saying. I think my self esteem is possibly too high, and I think I am a better catch than I actually am. And the thing is, I'm NOT focused purely on finding someone. I have loads of interests, loads of friends etc. I'm trying to put myself out there so that I can meet someone but I'm not giving off desperate vibes.

I'm not even getting as far as dating. I have never so much as been for a drink with a man. Not ever. The only person to ask me out in my whole life was the 25st man mentioned above.

I'm trying to be realistic. I'm not vulnerable to any men as none are having contact with me. I have sent literally hundreds of OLD messages over the years and not had a single reply. Two profile views? People couldn't tell anything about my self esteem from my username, age, and profile picture, but they're not clicking on the profile.

I've been here since before dating thread no1 and they are now on no108, and I have read a zillion stories of sleazy men, cock shots etc. Don't get me wrong, I don't want sleazy men or cock shots!! But doesn't it strike anyone as odd that I am not even getting any views?

I am quite happy on my own, but equally I don't want to be alone forever. I really don't. I do hobbies and clubs in company, but I do other stuff on my own. I go away at weekends on my own. I go for dinner on my own. I enjoy my own company, and if I didn't enjoy doing these things on my own I wouldn't do them but am I still going to be doing them on my own in 20 years time? That is really a depressing thought for me.

My friend is 40 (younger than me), great career (male dominated profession so meeting lots of men), very attractive and so on and she says she gave up years ago on the hope of ever meeting anyone. I think she is gently nudging me in the direction of giving up hope too but I don't want to just yet.

Dieu Sat 24-Sep-16 14:16:38

You sound fucking amazing! Maybe that should be your new mantra grin I certainly wouldn't feel bad about not being attracted to the man who likes you. There needs to be some degree of attraction (which isn't necessarily looks based), and you just can't force these things. Oh, and your ex was a prick of the highest order.
All the best to you OP.

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