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Zero/zilch/nada

(25 Posts)
Tillydog2003 Fri 23-Sep-16 20:41:56

I know this should probably be in the sex section but it won't let me post there and it is relationship based!

As the title states, I had my baby 8 months ago and I still have no sex drive whatsoever, in fact just the thought of it makes me cringe. I make myself have sex as I feel I have to, a sexless relationship is just mates, right?
My partner has a high sex drive (as did I before pregnancy/baby) but I'm just not feeling it anymore, I am still breastfeeding. I should add, it's not just sex, it's any intimacy that I just can't stand, cuddling, kissing etc, I just want to be left alone.
Surely this isn't normal such a long time after having a baby? Has anyone else experienced this?

flapjackfairy Fri 23-Sep-16 22:05:29

I think when you are breastfeeding you already feel like you body is not your own and it can be hard to be sexual as well.
8months is not long at all and your hormones will still be all over the place along with exhaustion and the stress of adapting to your new role as a parent.

I felt all of that and i was so in love with my baby i didnt feel the need to seek closeness elsewhere.
Dont worry it will all settle down in time .

Tillydog2003 Fri 23-Sep-16 22:22:16

Thanks, that's reassuring. I'm the same, I just love my little boy so so much, he's just perfect but I feel disconnected from my partner.
Guess I just thought things would be starting to get back to normal back now.

SleepingTiger Fri 23-Sep-16 22:48:13

Its perfectly normal. Don't fight it, be natural.

Certainly do not do it because you feel you have to. That destroys your connections.

nobodyreallyknowsme Fri 23-Sep-16 22:54:05

I totally hear you. I felt exactly like you for my entire 30s having 3 kids and rearing them if I'm honest. Once I got into my 40s and all children done and off at school my mojo has returned....
It's a phase. You'll get through it.

ALaughAMinute Fri 23-Sep-16 22:57:47

I didn't feel sexy until I'd stopped breast feeding. Give it time.

Tillydog2003 Sat 24-Sep-16 07:44:44

So did you just have sex just for the sake of it? My partner is very understanding and patient but I just feel guilty that's he's not getting any action! He brings it up or asks if I'm in the mood maybe once a week, I never am but I go along with it anyway, although it's very obvious that I'm not into it.
Guess I'm just looking for reassurance as I thought everything would be starting to settle down by now and me and dp have and had a turbulent relationship, still have a lot to work on. I'm panicking that I've become so physically disconnected that i have actually just gone off dp, I just seem to rekindle and kind of romantic/intimate feelings sad

Tillydog2003 Sat 24-Sep-16 07:46:07

*cant seem to rekindle any kind of romantic/intimate feelings.

nobodyreallyknowsme Sat 24-Sep-16 08:25:15

Yes I prob just went along with it on many occasions, but that said, once DTD felt a bit more sexual and kind of got into it- but for me it was the thought of it that I had lost and the feeling of wanting to have sex. I literally felt assexual and the thought of a penis going inside me grossed me out. If you and your partner have a turbulent relationship I guess that adds another dimension. We also do and did. But we got through it and had to ride it out. Im glad now as we are in our mid 40s and sex drive has returned. One thing I have learnt about long term relationships/ partnerships/ marriages is that there are phases or periods of time when romance/ more sex/ less sex/ more friendsy happens or you just have a phase of feeling a bit disconnected and aloof. It's knowing that it's a phase and to ride it out that helps, if you want to be with them
Long term .
Can you try and explain it in a calm
Reasonable moment when you are having a glass of wine and talking? Ie not in heat of
Moment?

Tillydog2003 Sat 24-Sep-16 08:57:27

This is exactly how I feel, I have absolutely no desire to have sex, I don't think about it, I could quite happily never DTD ever again and the same in it grosses me out.
We do talk about it and dp is very understanding, I keep reminding myself (and dp) that it's just a phase but I didn't realise it could last so long, there doesn't seem to be any let up coming soon. Also I'd like another baby in the not so distance future so that will be another bout of breastfeeding and no doubt no mojo.
I'm just hoping that this is just a phase/hormones/tiredness and that our relationship hasn't seen its day!

nobodyreallyknowsme Sat 24-Sep-16 09:54:56

Tilly it sounds like you have and are approaching it in the right way. Keep talking to him. Also keep saying to yourself that your body is doing something very important right now and breastfeeding and nurturing little ones is your focus ( rightly so) .... If you add another child in the mix it can put things on the back burner again so to speak....so just expect that and don't have massively huge expectations that you will feel exactly like you did before you had kids --- you so sound like me 10 years ago.
As I mentioned my turning point was feeling that Dc were all at school -I was mostly me again.

I took some of that time to explore my own sexuality on my own (tmi) BUT it helped me get in tune with myself again and what
It is that turns me on and what I love about sex. Don't underestimate the power of the mind and fantasy to get you going.... You'll be ok flowersflowers

SecretPrivateThings Sat 24-Sep-16 16:02:46

Hi OP, I felt much the same while my DC were very small. In the last year I have done what nobody suggests and taken the time to figure out what gets me going. Let's just say it is working!

8 months is so young still flowers

JoMalones Sat 24-Sep-16 16:11:05

It's quite normal I think. I felt touched out when bf, I didn't want any intimacy as I just wanted space after being touched all day and night by the baby

DuckingAunts Sat 24-Sep-16 20:15:29

This all sounds very par for the course when you have a small, breastfeeding baby.

But there are a couple of little red flags waving from your post. I didn't like to see you write that when you do get down to DTD, it's very obvious you're not up to it. Does he go ahead and do it anyway? My DP wouldn't be able to carry on if it was very obvious I wasn't up for it.

How is your relationship turbulent?

Tillydog2003 Sat 24-Sep-16 21:16:18

my partner knows I'm not up for it and that I kind of DTD out of guilt but I think he just takes what he can get as it's pretty infrequent at the moment.
I got pregnant very early in the relationship, we didn't really know each other and it's just been really hard. He's lied in the past, hindered us moving forward with stuff due to bad credit etc, he also has some personal issues, anger problems/anxiety that he has just recently seeked professional help for. There has been a lot of ups and downs in the short amount of time we've been together, then throw a baby in to the mix.....

SecretPrivateThings Sun 25-Sep-16 06:57:58

Hmmm. In that case I'm not surprised you're not up for it! You said he had got help. Had this improved things?

Tillydog2003 Sun 25-Sep-16 07:33:31

Nothing has improved as yet, he's due to start some therapy in the next few weeks. Prior to him speaking to the doctor we had some awful arguments which resulted in him saying some really awful and strange things, this is the reason he has realised that his behaviour is not entirely normal.
I realise there are probably much deeper rooted problems on my side, mainly that I feel he has made life very difficult for me a lot of the time.
But I do love him and want to make a go of things......maybe this is my conscience telling me otherwise!

SecretPrivateThings Sun 25-Sep-16 12:29:45

Is it worth telling yourself you will give him x number of months to improve then reasses things - perhaps this isn't the right relationship for either of you? If he does engage with the therapy of course. Does depend on his behaviour as well - if absolutely unacceptable then this might be the wrong approach. Frankly it sounds as if the lack of sex is not the problem here.

I'm no expert at all though! flowers

Anicechocolatecake Sun 25-Sep-16 12:36:13

My jaw is slightly dropping at this thread. This is mumsnet, right?

You have a young baby. You don't want to have sex. But you are doing so to keep your partner happy. He knows you don't want it but takes what he can get because he has a high sex drive. Does he not feel he's raping you? Do you not feel raped?

Honestly I don't even know where to start with this. What has your life been like that you feel this is normal?

He had anger problems and anxiety. What form has that taken?

Please stop having sex if you don't want it. Your sex drive won't come back by forcing the issue. It's likely to disappear even more.

I feel so sad for you.

SecretPrivateThings Sun 25-Sep-16 12:43:00

Actually Anice is right. I may not have been harsh enough in my replies. If he can't accept that you are not wanting sex then you really shouldn't be with him at the moment. And you absolutely don't have to be having sex with him if you don't want to.

DuckingAunts Sun 25-Sep-16 13:09:52

Stop having sex you don't want to have.

He needs to sort his anger issues out and give his therapy time.

No wonder you're feeling like you are.

It's okay to admit you don't love him too. I know it's scary to contemplate.

Tillydog2003 Sun 25-Sep-16 15:16:23

Anice, no I don't feel like I am being raped, he does not demand sex or pressure me for it and I am certainly consenting. I feel like it's slightly being taken out of context.
I completely understand that people are trying to offer my advice/support and that is exactly what I posted here for, I certainly don't want pity.
I am not being raped or abused, he respects my wishes and when I say no he knows it's a no. It is me that feels guilty for having such a lack of desire to be intimate and this is the reason why I push past my feelings and every so often DTD.

SecretPrivateThings Sun 25-Sep-16 15:21:14

That makes sense OP, glad he's not pressurising. It may be that the relationship needs to improve before the sex does though. If it helps, I know what it's like to push past it and DTD every so often.

Anicechocolatecake Sun 25-Sep-16 21:47:32

The trouble is I just can't imagine having sex with someone who was saying yes in one way but didn't want to be doing it. Where is the pleasure in that? It's using someone else's body like an object. It would feel humiliating to me. And it's easy to think of it killing any passion in you even if the reason why you lost your sex drive was because of having a baby.

illhaveabrew Mon 26-Sep-16 08:00:14

I am having the same problem. I did read an interesting article that suggested doing it once and only once a week. Even if you or H want it more as it leaves time to have a build up the chemistry (which I think in all honesty it what is missing in most cases). You get the intimacy that H needs as well but without the sex which you can't face. It's nice as you can have a cheeky snog in the kitchen or a nice back massage and u and H know nothing can happen for say 4 days. By the time it comes to DTD you actually surprisingly feel ALOT more like it.

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