Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help

(30 Posts)
Hagothehills Fri 23-Sep-16 18:24:29

If you haven't read my previous post it's here

That was last night and this is tonight.

Once DS was in bed last night he was nice to me again. Had the offer of pizza and a film. This was after I did the three things he asked (clean the dining table, get the toys tidied away and iron a couple of shirts). He was perfectly charming most of the night. He wanted oral when we went to bed and I refused so he turned over in a huff mumbling something unintelligible and went to sleep.

This morning I'm ashamed to say, he asked me what my problem was yesterday (I had stood up for myself a bit and said I won't be spoken to like a piece of shit) and I said 'nothing I'm fine'. So off he goes to work with the request that the house is clean and tidy when he comes home.

This afternoon I turned on the (very expensive custom built gaming PC that was supposed to be just for him, but he has said that DS can watch Netflix etc on it) so DS could watch a few cartoons while I made his tea and it came up with a system update, one of the automatic windows ones. When it booted up the aspect ratio was wrong (screen doesn't line up with the monitor properly).

When dp came home from work he saw this. He is now blaming me for the screen going funny when all I did was switch it on. He's in a horrible mood again and stifled shouting at me because DS was around but I think it would have been very different had we been alone.

I feel awful because I feel like I am finally starting to see what he is but I don't want to/am too scared to leave.

My parents are divorced and their breakup was very amicable but it still devastated me. DS is so attached to dp it would totally break his heart. He is only 3 so wouldn't understand why he couldn't see his daddy.

I'm in such a mess, I don't what's wrong with me. I don't know if I should stay or go. I feel like a coward for staying but also like I'm throwing away a decade of my life and my son's stable home if I go.

It's also my birthday on Tuesday! Bloody happy birthday to me eh?

Haggisfish Fri 23-Sep-16 18:43:18

Just leave. It's not going to get any better.

crazydaisies Fri 23-Sep-16 18:47:35

My parents divorced when I was three. It hasn't had any impact on me at all and I don't remember it happening. It would be better to leave sooner rather than later.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 23-Sep-16 19:01:00


This individual you are with is a truly nasty sod who thinks he has you precisely where he wants you (i.e. totally tied to the house). Offering you a pizza and a film as a "reward" for doing the tasks that he set you is truly nasty as was his demand to you for oral.

re your comment:-
"I feel like a coward for staying but also like I'm throwing away a decade of my life and my son's stable home if I go".

This idea of "throwing away" is really the sunken costs fallacy and that causes people to make poor relationship decisions.

The idea of sunk cost states that an investment of money, time or energy must not necessarily influence your continued investment of money, time or energy. The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavor and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Your life with him in it is not going to improve because this individual really sees you as an unequal to boss around as he sees fit. The longer you stay the harder it will become for you to leave because he will simply grind you down even more. You do not want your son to see that treatment of you because he is learning from you about relationships as well.

Your son can still see his dad post separation and he can co-parent his son. I would actually formalise all arrangements through the courts re such access rather than have an informal arrangement.

Threepineapples Fri 23-Sep-16 19:05:19

It won't break your DS heart, he is very young and used to his dad being out at work all day. If you leave now he won't remember much about life with the two of you together. Living apart will be his normal.

BlasianFashionista Fri 23-Sep-16 19:08:35

This was after I did the three things he asked (clean the dining table, get the toys tidied away and iron a couple of shirts)

This man doesn't seem nice at all sad I have to agree with what Haggisfish said. You seem so unhappy nobody should be unhappy whilst they're in a relationship flowers

fuckyoudoorhandles Fri 23-Sep-16 19:11:54

I left when my DS had just turned 3. He's absolutely fine. The younger they are the easier it is. DS is 6 now and doesn't even remember living with his dad. Don't leave it too long.
Don't worry about throwing a decade of your life away worry more about wasting more years with him. My DS has a very stable home with me and sees his dad loads. Honest, get out he sounds like a complete arse.

ThisIsPlanetEarth Fri 23-Sep-16 19:23:35

I have been spending (too much) time on MN recently and unfortunately your post sounds familiar to other recent ones. Men using money as power, being emotionally and verbally abusive. My relationship with my DH is thankfully not like this but my parents was. My mum told me about 10 years ago my father refused to look after us when we were kids and told her to get job in school hours. Probably because he wouldn't have been able to go to the pub as often. My mum is now in her 70s and spent years scrimping with no pension of her own, my dad witholding money to control her, things are a bit better now. I always think women should have some financial independence if possible. I also thought when I read it he should clean the effing house himself if he isn't happy! You are walking on eggshells trying not to upset him then he expects oral sex at the drop of a hat, are you his slave. Sorry for ranting, not going to tell you what you should do, hope things get better soon either way flowers

Uricon Fri 23-Sep-16 19:23:37

I truly wish my parents had parted when I was 3 (6 months into their marriage)

It would have saved a world of pain all round.

Your DS will NOT be grateful for you staying, believe me. Maybe you need to overcome your fear of being alone or whatever, but please don't make the excuse it is for his benefit, because it really won't be and he will not forgive you saying "I stayed because of you" to him later on, because it won't be the truth.

SandyY2K Fri 23-Sep-16 19:26:07

Do you feel scared of him?
Do you think he'd hit you in a rage?

You clearly need to leave him. Your DS will adjust and it doesn't mean he would never see his dad. You're wasting your life with him.

Can you get away for a few days with DS to clear your head? Go to your mum's maybe. Let him come home to an empty house. .... and get that job you were looking for.

RosaRosaRose Fri 23-Sep-16 19:29:30

I read you original thread but didn't comment. So tonight you are in the shit because: you refused him oral last night and because you have touched his precious equipment today (without putting your mouth round his precious equipment last night). You ironed shirts, you cleaned you followed instructions. This is such an abusive man. Your little son won't suffer if you leave. Your son will flourish. You will too. Don't be like I was and become the mother who is nothing more than the obedient housekeeper... you are young. Listen to the people here who tell you that there is a better life waiting for you. flowers

Joysmum Fri 23-Sep-16 19:30:18

You don't want to throw away a decade of your life so your solution is to throw another few decades away in addition to the first.

Seriously, please wake up and realise you and your child deserve better.

Luvjubs Fri 23-Sep-16 19:42:07

Again, he is controlling you. He treats you like an emplyee. 10 years isn't a large portion of a lifetime. He has very obvious abusive traits. Life's too short. Your son is young enough to move on from a divorce/separation. In 2 years it may be different. In another 10 years it's will be even harder. So you want to live like this? Id take my son, get my career back and be happy if it were me.

Doublemint Fri 23-Sep-16 19:45:46

Found the new thread!

Seriously he is treating you so badly. Why should you do all that housework just to keep him in s civil mood not that it works anyway .
It seems like whatever you do, he finds s new reason to treat you badly. This is abuse OP!

Naicehamshop Fri 23-Sep-16 22:09:57

I've read your last thread... this is beginning to sound frightening OP. Please get out while you can - for your sake and for the sake of your little ds. flowers

PGPsabitch Sat 24-Sep-16 08:06:26

From another angle, my friends dc were only very little too and understandably upset dad wasn't at home. Interestingly though, her eldest now 4 says often that it's lots happier because mummy isn't sad and daddy isn't angry.

They were only three as well but realised how toxic it was even if they were sad at the time. It's a better environment and arsehole as he is, he parents more now apart then they ever did together. Supervised access of course but still he sees them more and interacts with them more.

As someone whose seen another child live through it for until an adult, they will be affected by this and it will affect them. You cant hide that toxicity and it may even end up focussed on them by your partner. Leaving gives them a chance to be in a free environment themselves.

If you did chose to stay though, please don't ever say what her dm did: I only stayed for you kids. She has had so much therapy and really resents both for knowing that as well as herself. She loves them but resents them.

ThisIsPlanetEarth Sat 24-Sep-16 08:07:50

I commented above but have read your other full thread and am really shocked. He threatened you saying " look at me like that again and it will be the last look you give". He has threatened you with violence and wants to control you by making sure you have no money of your own. He called you a lazy bastard. You are not on the mortgage, so can't claim on the house. He then acts sweet as if nothing is wrong and asks what YOUR problem is after threatening you. He has no respect for you whatever and sees you as an unpaid childminder, cleaner and cook, no wonder he doesn't want DS to go to a childminder whom he would have to pay for. Has he actually looked after his DS for a whole day on his own to allow you to go out on your own for the day, probably not. If you read my post above about my parents, it will only get worse, my father controlled my mother with money, she never had any of her own. Also the shouting and arguing has had an effect on me, I hate to hear people shouting and am terrible with confrontation, I usually keep quiet to avoid an argument. So it will have an effect on your son. I also said above wasn't going to say what you should do but does your mum have any room at her house? You say you will have "wasted " 10 years but do you want to waste another 10 years with him? Also you said he is sexist but you are "working on him", you shouldn't have to "work on him". Do you have many friends and support network, if not is this because of him? Good luck OP x

fusspot66 Sat 24-Sep-16 08:20:48

And he's breaking things.
That's a subtle way of keeping you down.
"See how angry you make me ' and "How good am I that I only break things and not you. "

Purplebluebird Sat 24-Sep-16 10:52:50

Oh he sounds really scary and nasty, I really hope you can find a way to leave him. Please do. He's trying to wear you down, and he is doing it on purpose. It's not a "stable" home with a person like your other half, it's an unhappy and volatile home, and you and your son both deserve better than that.

43percentburnt Sat 24-Sep-16 11:07:36

Don't waste a further 10 years on this man. Imagine yourself caring for him at 70, imagine what your life was like. Run.

Purplebluebird Sun 25-Sep-16 08:37:12

How are you doing today?

Unanimous here.

ThisIsPlanetEarth Sun 25-Sep-16 12:49:11

How are you doing OP? Hope everything is okay, let us know how you are flowers

Gymnopedies Sun 25-Sep-16 12:53:50

Just to say that my parents also separated when I was 3. I have no recollection of that or of them being together and has never been an issue for me.

ddrmum Sun 25-Sep-16 14:27:17

Just read this thread and echo everything above. Your DC will be fine. I left with 3 DC under 5yrs. 6yrs on we are happy and exh continues to do his best to control & abuse when given the opportunity. He doesn't get any reaction from me. You need to get away from this bully for the safety of yourself & your DC. Wishing you strength.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now