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7 months pregnant and contemplating leaving my husband...

(55 Posts)
Rvrob22 Fri 23-Sep-16 16:54:55


I've never posted before but I'm feeling very low and lonely so hoping for some advice.

I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant with my first baby and my husband is so angry and hateful towards me all the time I don't know if I should leave him.

We met in Paris a few years ago and immediately fell in love. He was perfect and like the man I'd dreamed of. We quickly married and spent the next 6 months living life like a dream in Paris. We then decided to move back to the UK, he's Tunisian but we spoke French together- he didn't speak English.

3 years later and he still hasn't really bothered to learn English, I guess it's part my fault that I haven't pushed him. He struggled to find a job the first 2 years in the UK but has had a market stall for a year now and he does work very hard for very little financial gain. I'm the main breadwinner and I think for his culture the woman being the breadwinner is a difficult pill to swallow.

Anyway, when we were in our honeymoon period he would frequently talk about how many children he wanted, how he would look after me when I was pregnant, the names, the clothes etc. I think a bit part of the reason I fell so deeply in love with him was I thought he would be an amazing father, my own dad was pretty rubbish.

Now I'm pregnant, and he literally hasn't given a sh*t the whole way through. If I'm tired, got aches and pains etc he doesn't care. He thinks he must be so much more tired as he works longer hours. I also work full time and walk 4 miles round to get to work as he takes the car.

At our 20 week scan, he said it wasn't particularly important so I headed to the hospital by myself in floods of tears. He eventually did show up, and when he learnt it was a boy, showed a slight interest for about half a day.

Yesterday we went to our first NCT Class, he walked out halfway through as he said he couldn't understand it and didn't want to try. I ideally want a natural birth if possible and he wouldn't even listen to the stuff about how a partner can support etc. When they discussed a natural birth he said I should just get a caesarian.

After he left and I embarrassed myself crying in front of my new (and loved up) classmates, I then spent the last half of the class in group discussions, trying to pretend that I wasn't hurt that my husband didn't think it was important and instead had decided to leave to replenish his stock for the market. I could see everyone feeling sorry for me, and even the course leader said I should find a different birth partner.

When I got home in tears, he yelled at me asking why I was crying. I slept in the spare room and today have received a barrage of texts from him while at work saying that all I ever talk about it being pregnant (it really isn't true!) and basically blaming me for everything that could possibly go wrong in his life.

Part of me thinks I should leave him as he clearly doesn't give a cr*p about our son or me, but then the other part of me which loves him thinks he's maybe stressing out and there's too many cultural differences for us to understand exactly how the other is feeling. I just feel so alone throughout this whole pregnancy and I'm terrified about the birth - not giving birth, but just being on my own, or having him there but him not giving a stuff about my comfort.

I just don't know what to do but I am so fed up of his apparent hatred and resentment towards me.

12purpleapples Fri 23-Sep-16 16:57:57

Sorry you are in this situation, it sounds awful. Is he doing anything at the moment that makes your life better than it would be if you were single?

Thebookswereherfriends Fri 23-Sep-16 17:01:00

He sounds awful and I can only imagine he'll get worse when you have baby. If you have any support I would think it would be a good idea to ask him to leave, at least temporarily, so you can decide what would be best.

HaloHoney Fri 23-Sep-16 17:02:35

Bless you that sounds really bloody hard.

Of course you're upset. It sounds like he has just disconnected from everything and is blaming you.

The one thing I can say about blame is this:

If you tell him how much his behaviour is hurting you, and give him a chance to respond like a grown up & talk it through... If you get nothing back but more blame, I'd leave.

And definitely find a new birth partner. Someone who puts you first. smile

Good luck. X

Starryeyed16 Fri 23-Sep-16 17:07:51

My ex was horrid throughout my pregnancy couldn't dicuss it and utter vile I so wished I just walked away when I was pregnant but utilmately family life didn't auto and he left three weeks after DS 1st birthday. He's now having another baby with his DW, bloody good luck to her. Thankfully I met DH and I realised just how poorly treated I was when I was pregnant with DH he couldn't do enough

JinkxMonsoon Fri 23-Sep-16 17:12:10

If the cultural divide between you is so vast he's incapable of showing any love or care or concern about your wellbeing (and that of his baby) then your marriage is doomed.

Will he help with the baby? Bathing and changing nappies? Will he tolerate the baby crying and being woken up at night? Will he be any use to you during labour and the days afterwards?

You need to ask yourself all of these questions. His dismissiveness of you right now is bordering on abusive.

SandyY2K Fri 23-Sep-16 17:14:02

Find a birthing partner and I actually think you should leave him.

Nothing he's doing shows love or caring for you and it will get worse when the baby arrives.

He's shouting at you.
He walked out of the NCT class
You're left walking at 29 weeks pregnant

Get support from family or friends as your husband is a pretty poor excuse for a husband right now.

If you feel safe to do so, you need to tell him you aren't happy. That he hasn't kept the promises he made to you and that you'd rather bring up the baby on your own, if he doesn't start treating you in a loving respectful way.

The decision is his.

Be strong.

Stand your ground and don't show fear.

spanky2 Fri 23-Sep-16 17:24:47

He isn't very caring or thoughtful. He relies on you for money and is selfish with the car. He won't learn English or how to support you when you give birth to a baby he said he wanted.
Just summing up what you wrote. if your friend asked you about this guy, what would you say? He isn't be the kind of man a mother would be proud of.

Gymnopedies Fri 23-Sep-16 17:30:52

How distressing.
How do you think he will react when you will be feeding a baby round the clock with barely any sleep? It's unlikely you will be able to give him much attention so if he already thinks you are talking too much about the baby he will have a big surprise.
My H was very stressed and not very supportive for our first DC. I regret not seeking support from a doulah. I needed someone to take care of me as it was so overwhelming to take care of DS. Most days I didn't eat until DH came back from work after 5.

Madinche1sea Fri 23-Sep-16 17:34:27

Rvrob - I'm so sorry you're going through this at what should be such a special time for you both. I can't believe he walked out of the NCT class. It's appalling behaviour really.
They do say that men will only really show their true colours once they've got you pregnant - it's something to do with the fact they know you're far less likely to leave them. Sounds like this may be the case here?
Also I would blame the individual rather than the cultural background tbh. Too often culture can be used as an excuse. My DH is half-Iranian and, if anything, the culture there is to be over-protective and supportive of your pregnant wife (more so than I the UK actually). Women generally don't work through pregnancy, for instance and are very much treated as "special", as if you shouldn't be walking the streets or something!
As you say, he may well be struggling with not being the main wage earner and worrying about finances if you need to leave work after the baby. Perhaps he's feeling like he's not ready to step up to being a father, etc. Whatever is going on, his behaviour is really terrible.
Do you have other people who can support you?

gratesnakes Fri 23-Sep-16 17:57:12

Your story makes me sad, OP. Your married life sounds soul-destroying. You say "my husband is angry and hateful towards me all the time". If you had a little sister and she said those words to you, what would you advise her to do?

Leave him. He sounds very selfish and nasty. Your life will be easier and you will be much happier without all that anger and hate.

Nanny0gg Fri 23-Sep-16 18:43:58

Have you supportive friends and family?

Even if not, you will find it easier without this excuse for a man.

He's shown his true colours, he's telling you who he is.

Please listen.

Coconutcoconut Fri 23-Sep-16 19:00:08

I'm sorry you are going through this, I am going through something similar myself at 33 weeks. I am tempted to just go it alone without a selfish manchild dragging me down. Just focus on your baby and put yourself first, that is what i'm doing. Good luck

Hissy Fri 23-Sep-16 19:18:02

I'd like to say it will get better, but it won't. Only ever worse.

He sounds a worse version of my ex.

Wasn't even working yet if DS woke up I wasn't allowed to feed him in bed, I had to get out of the room and go and stay on the sofa. DS and I would fall asleep there. Yes. I know. sad

Get out now. Or rather boot this idiot out of your lives. He will add nothing to either your life or that of your child.

AnyFucker Fri 23-Sep-16 19:22:57

Yes, leave him

Accept you made a mistake. You got married in haste to a man it is clear you did not really know

Don't compound that by subjecting your child to such a fucked up dynamic

I imagine he will make a lot of stupid noise about his "rights" as a father but his actions will not match and he will melt away quite quickly. Which would be a good thing

Cary2012 Fri 23-Sep-16 19:58:51

Is he jealous?

Does he feel that the baby is your focus and feels resentment, because he will no longer be top of your priorities?

I think this could be case. If so, you're better off alone.

Rvrob22 Fri 23-Sep-16 20:06:43

Thanks for all your responses. Seems to be pretty unanimous!! confused

I was reading these as he got back home. He didn't say hello just went straight into the next room and sat there in darkness. I was contemplating whether I was being too harsh on him but the messages made me realise that my pregnancy and my son are the most important things, not a sulky man child excuse of a husband.

I went to speak to him to say I was fed up and tough sh*t if I spoke to much about pregnancy as it was going to get more intense when our son arrives. He then asked if he thought his mother would be proud of him and whether he thought he was a good husband. Needless to say he rubbed his temples like I was the one giving him the headache and has now left the house. So I'm on my own again.

AnyFucker Fri 23-Sep-16 20:10:27

You always were, love

BabooshkaKate Fri 23-Sep-16 20:11:11

He sounds terrible, but he also sounds unhappy and isolated. How did you two decide to come to live in England?

I can imagine it's difficult for him being in a new country and learning a language as an adult is really tough. It's also tough to grind daily and see very little return. What job did he do in France?

BigFatTent Fri 23-Sep-16 20:17:25

Leave before the baby comes. It will be much more difficult to leave once the baby arrives. It seems like you are still hoping he'll wake up and realise he's being an idiot. He won't. Honestly, just make plans for you and your little one. You will be happier and safer.

JMKid Fri 23-Sep-16 20:23:11

Leave him before the baby arrives. It will be a lot easier to do it now than when bubba arrives and he is your sole focus and your tired.

Dustpan Fri 23-Sep-16 20:28:03

I'd advise you to be strategic and think about how to put a good support structure in place for yourself and your son in the next 10 weeks before birth.

A previous poster mentioned a doula - do you have the finances for that?

Do you have family and friends who you can ask to get on board and help with practicalities after the birth - bringing meals, doing laundry etc?

Unfortunately the first months after birth can be really hard work, and you need to clear awY distractions, get support in place, and focus on caring for your son and self.

SandyY2K Fri 23-Sep-16 21:24:27

His recent actions really make it more than clear don't it? He can't say hello and ask how his pregnant wife is?

That's just not acceptable. You can't make a marriage work when you have a husband like that. The sooner he realises you aren't willing to tolerate his nonsensical, idiotic, uncaring, selfish behaviour the better.

DiegeticMuch Fri 23-Sep-16 21:32:27

Obtain legal advice and the support of friends/relations before you tell him you're divorcing him. Be well prepared. Good luck with everything.

SleepingTiger Sat 24-Sep-16 11:35:11

Make him leave.

He will probably go back home or to France. He then has a soft fall, and you can concentrate on your baby. To be honest, the dynamics could worsen if you stay together. Would you contemplate living in Tunisia for example? His family may prefer you did that, it solves a lot of cultural issues. The sooner you part, you can nip those things in the bud.

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