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Pretty sure nothing I ever do will turn this around its getting too late

(14 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

user1474600800 Fri 23-Sep-16 04:34:46

Had my lass, who is almost 19 when I was 16 so not really a mummy anymore. Just a lass, who is so lost throwing life whatever is left of being so empty away. My mother and farther abused, neglect, abandon me, had my lass at 16, tried best to manage for years, to discover she is on asperg/autistic scale, ive got adhd. We have no relationship. Its pants. Might as well be strangers. I moved to a certain area for her well being only she got bullied at school because she says inappropriate things. She doesn't mean to. She is quite innocent but full of hatred now and its all at me. Also moved close to be near any kind of family because I have never had anyone, nobody for chriXX sakes, and all they do is judge and decide its all my fault. Feel so bad but I really am ready to leave, my everything. Got a way to move to the coast. Want to leave my ungrateful, rude, moody, nasty daughter now. 7 Years I have took her constant negative attitude. Took it off everyone. Just want to leave and start a fresh.

DebbieDoesDubai Fri 23-Sep-16 05:19:39

Please press report at the top left of your pet and ask MNHQ to move this thread to either relationships or special needs or mental health. You hVe accidentally posted in the Longhaul travel forum and your post is likely to go unseen by people who could give you good advice.

DebbieDoesDubai Fri 23-Sep-16 05:19:53

Post not pet!

Mummyoflittledragon Fri 23-Sep-16 05:22:54

I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. It must have been so tough to have a child so young with no support - and no role models. You were really just a child yourself and I expect pretty confused and messed up. You're story is really sad.

Please don't think things will ever be too late, because they're not. Not ever. It's more that right now, you can't see a way through. You need to stop listening to the family members, who are blaming you. They don't get to judge unless they have walked a mile in your shoes. They need to start supporting you and your daughter or butt out. And if you are going to them for support, please stop because it's harming you.

Can you go to your GP and talk about how you feel? Maybe they can help with some medication if they think you're depressed or get you access to some counselling.

Please don't walk away from your little girl - or at least not yet. Until you've explored more things and got more help. Your parents did that to you. And I'm getting that you probably don't want to do it to her. She is angry for a reason. I don't know if maybe it is state of her mental health or perhaps because she isn't getting some kind of attention from you that she needs.

Have you ever told her you love her and you're there for her and you're not going anywhere so she can be as unkind as she likes? You will still love her. You'll always be there. (Even if you decide to move as well I mean).

KatherineMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 23-Sep-16 10:29:18

Hi OP, we're so sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it at the moment. We're going to move this thread over to Relationships, where we hope you'll find some fantastic support. flowers

hellsbellsmelons Fri 23-Sep-16 10:36:31

It must be really rough raising a child so young.
But you did it.
Try to be kind to yourself.
What will happen if you do move away and start afresh?
Is there someone with your DD to keep her protected?
She may be 19 but with Aspergers it may be not be her mental age?
I know nothing about it though.
If you need a fresh start then you do that.

springydaffs Fri 23-Sep-16 12:41:32

Have a look at Stand Alone support network for those of us with no/little family. They also address family estrangement.

I can't recommend this psychologist highly enough - Joshua Coleman . His advice is second to none. Get his book - Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Chld Don't Get Along. (American, as you see from the title!). It is a wonderful book and has been a lifesaver for me.

Have a look also at the Family Scapegoat . Again, learning about this has been really liberating for me. I wish I could find a support group for family scapegoats start one yourself Springy

Have you had any therapy? ime therapy was essential to work through all the pain of being the scapegoat in my family. Lot of years, lots of therapy. There are a lot of us out here, you're not alone.

Much love flowers

BolshierAryaStark Fri 23-Sep-16 14:55:22

You sound utterly miserable, I'm so sorry flowers
What will happen to your daughter if you do start afresh at the coast, which does sound lovely?
If she has a support network in place then maybe it's what you both need.

user1474600800 Tue 27-Sep-16 01:49:24

Sorry, I was really upset. I still want to move away though. I just can't live with my daughter anymore she makes me feel utterly miserable. Every decision I have made is for her benefit, her attitude is so now that I feel I'm no longer in control of how I run my home. She is so lazy, piled lots of weight on, always smells very bad, her room looks like a rubbish dump and I cannot say anything about anything without her being horrible to me. Yes I had counselling, CBT for anxiety, tablets allsorts.
I want to buy my first home, I can only afford a small one and I'm not going to buy a home, make it lovely for my daughter to disrespect it and make an atmosphere 24/7 I cannot help her she will not let me, I have suggested doctors, therapy, social groups, given her literature it does not matter she argues with everything anyone says to her and is in her own world. I know your supposed to be amazing as a parent, put up with anything and smile and pretend your happy but I just cant do it anymore. Thank you for the links, I'm not sure how to reply to anyone in particular as Its the first time I have tried to use this website.

Atenco Tue 27-Sep-16 04:40:42

Oh you have all my sympathy, OP. Does your dd study or work?

CoYoAddict Tue 27-Sep-16 05:33:42

Does she have any friends or any kind of a life outside of the house? She could be very depressed and anxious herself and you are the obvious and only target for her to verbally lash out at when she feels frustrated and terrified about her future. If you are both suffering then that must be a miserable atmosphere that seems impossible to break.

But you need to keep in mind that while she may have ASD, much of the behaviour she is displaying affects lots of young people in their late teens, ASD or not and they can and do come good in the end with the right support, it's just a hard slog getting them there.

Have you asked her how she would feel about having to move out? Do you think she is capable of living independently or is her ASD to severe for that?

user1474600800 Tue 27-Sep-16 05:48:14

She has worked for 9 months now. She wants to get her own place, so she can live in a filthy cess pit without anyone saying anything to her, I have to go collect all the glasses and they are full of pee and mould.

I definitely think she is depressed, but she wont do anything about it. She has no friends, got bullied at school, no dad nothing only me and she hates me lol. I cant even have one single day of trying to talk normally without the hassle. I try ignore it, I thought it would get better but its getting worse. She was lovely up until age 12, from there onwards its just been awkward, miserable etc. Take her for a meal, she just sits there on her phone. I know it sounds awful, but I really know there is nothing I can do ive tried everything even had social services come round try get her help. She just needs to do her own thing, she insists on learning everything the hard way

CoYoAddict Tue 27-Sep-16 07:02:21

She's peeing in glasses? shock oh my word she has real problems. I'm amazed she's holding down a job actually. I think you need to go back to social services and it sounds as though you may need someone to advocate for you Who can help you push for some proper support. Are you in contact with any of the charities for autism support? Does she get any DLA? I'm wondering if she could be housed in some sort of warden controlled housing where there will be some support on site. It's very difficult to know what to suggest, you really need the advice of people who understand the challenges and the options available for parents of adult children with special needs. It sounds desperate, I do hope you can get the help you need.

Atenco Tue 27-Sep-16 13:28:12

I presume she has high functioning autism or you would never dream of moving out and she wouldn't have a job. If she earns enough to cover her needs and, apart from being a bit slovenly, is able to look after herself, I don't think it is the end of the world if you move out.

Would it be at all possible to move out for say a month and then check back on how she is?

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